My daughter is thirty-two and has two children one is eight, the other five. Ive always been a very present grandmother. Ever since they were born, Ive been the one to look after them when she goes to work, the one to walk them to school if their father couldnt, the one to stay with them while he was away. But six months ago, things started to change especially after my son-in-law, whos thirty-five, began a new job. He says hes started thinking differently now.
The first issue arose when my granddaughter told me she wanted to cut her hair short like a girl in her class. I told her that if it would make her happy, Id happily take her. When my son-in-law found out, he made a huge fuss, ranting that I was putting rebellious ideas in her head, and that girls ought to look feminine. He asked me to stop making decisions for them. I came home with a heavy heart I never imagined such a harmless remark could cause such an uproar.
Another day, my grandson came home glum because he had to bring a toy to school for show and tell, and he wanted to take the little car hed built himself. His father refused, saying it was rubbish and insisted he should bring a more expensive toy. I told my grandson his car was wonderful and what mattered most was that hed made it with his own hands. But, according to my son-in-law, I was teaching him that cheap things have value and said I was making them unambitious. That evening, my daughter quietly told me I was damaging the childrens self-esteem.
The biggest blow-up was three weeks ago. My granddaughter didnt do well on a test. I comforted her, saying it was all right, everyone makes mistakes, and shes clever and hardworking. He walked in, overheard me, and told me to stop smoothing over failure, that this was why she was lazy. He asked me not to speak to her like that when shed been punished, claiming I was turning the children against him. My daughter asked me softly not to say any more, just so he doesnt get angry.
Visiting became tense. Once, I walked in and my granddaughter dashed over to show me a picture shed drawn. I told her it was beautiful and that she had real talent. Her father walked out of the room and said curtly, Are you telling her shes an artist again? Shell have no direction. The poor child just looked at the ground. I kept quiet, not wanting another scene.
The final straw came a fortnight ago. My daughter told me,
Mum he thinks you put ideas in their heads. That you make them overly sensitive. That you confuse them.
I asked what ideas.
She said,
That you let them express themselves. That you listen to them. That you tell them they have choices. He thinks youre undermining his authority.
And then she told me that he didnt want me visiting for a while. I asked if she agreed. She fell silent and finally just said,
I just I dont want arguments here.
Since then, I havent seen my grandchildren.
My grandson sent me a voice message from my daughters phone that he misses me, that he wants me to walk him to school again, just like before.
My granddaughter, according to my daughter, asks about me every night, but I cant speak to her because she gets upset.
I dont know how much longer this will go on.
All I know is that my son-in-law thinks support, comfort, and listening are putting ideas in their heads, and my daughter just wants to avoid turning their home into a battlefield.
I have no idea what I should do.
