Stepmother
I truly cant figure her out! Shes well-fed, clothed, shes got everything she needs! So why does she act this way? Why all this attitude? Jane threw the creased shirt onto the sofa, sat down beside her husband, and took his hand. Oliver, something has to be done. I cant keep splitting myself in two. Theres Adam. All the time I waste dealing with Pippas moods could be time spent with him! Please, help me!
How? What do you want me to do? I barely see the kids as it is. You know I cant change my work rota. Not unless I quit. And then, until I find something else, there wont be any way to give Adam all he needs.
No, thats not the answer! You know if you stop now, itll all fall apart. All this time weve put in these past three years? Itll be for nothing. Were so closesoon hell be nearly back to normal.
He is normal! Oliver pulled his hand away and got up abruptly. I dont want to hear you say that again!
I know, Im sorry! I just meant Jane buried her face in his shirt and began to sob.
Dont cry, love. Oliver pulled her to her feet and hugged her. Ill speak to Pippa. But you have to promise me something as well.
Whats that?
Go easy on her. I know shes not your own, but youve raised her all these years. Dont you feel anything for her at all? Youve done so well. Shes well brought up, no complaints there. Maybe its just the age? People say all teenagers are a bit off. Maybe give her time?
If I give her any more time, Ill lose whats left of my sanity, Oliver. Im trying, but Ive got nothing left to give.
I know
I sat in my room, quietly building a castle out of blocks with Adam while Dad and Jane talked downstairs. I couldnt make out their words, but it was obvious shed run to him about me again. Which only meant that instead of spending a rare evening talking about everything bottled up over the week, Id end up getting another lecture about behaviour and responsibility. Dad would be upset, and then hed be off on the road again for weeks. And I wouldnt get the chance to tell him about Matthewhow hed walked me home, and how the girls kicked up a fuss about it. Dad always knew what to say. Ever since Cassie moved away, hes really the only one I can properly talk to now. I grinned, remembering when Cassie and I first met.
What, think youre the bees knees around here?
Absolutely!
Well, youd best remember your place.
Lost your shoes, have you?
The whole class saw our sparringat the time, I had no idea why the new girl wanted to test me. Later Cassie explained: there wasn’t enough room in school for two pretty girls. Choice was to fight it out or become friends. We chose the latter.
If Im honest, I was a good-looking girl. I got my looks from my mum. Sometimes Id look at old photos of her and imagine how wed look togetherlike sisters probably. It would have been lovely But Mum died when I was just three. Hardly any time at allnot enough even to remember her. I hated that. Every time I tried to claw back some thread of memory, what I heard instead was Janes voice: her tone, her words, her habits. Nothing of Mum at all.
Janes looked after me since I was four. Dad, only six months after Mums death, met Janea kind, young nurse at the GPs. I was the accidental reason they met too. Jane came round to check on me when I had a high fever.
Theres a single dad struggling on his own, Ive arranged for a few injections. Got to catch this before it turns serious.
Jane came. At first just for the night, as my fever wouldnt break. Then for good.
I nudged the box of instructions closer to Adam and passed him a block, hidden behind my textbook.
Here
Adam looked up at me with warm, brown eyes just like Dads and asked, Why are you sad?
Oh, just a bit of a mood, thats all.
What can I do to cheer you up? Want me to sing?
Oh, please dont! I couldnt hold back a laugh.
Adams singing was unique, lets say. Like a bear with buttery paws had trampled on his notes before birth. Yet, somehow, singing was his very favourite thing. When he was younger, I had to sit through countless concertswhether I liked it or not. Thankfully, as he got older he realised my reaction was less than enthusiastic and slowly stopped, only teasing me about my dislike for his music when he saw I was gloomy.
Missing Cassie, are you?
Yeah. And not just her.
Mums had a go at you again?
Adam!
What? I overheard.
Why werent you asleep?
Id already slept loads by then. You two were loud. Why are you fighting again?
Nothing major.
I turned away quickly so he wouldnt see the stinging tears in my eyes. Why was it always like this? I hadnt done anything wrong! All I said to Jane was that I had a physics test to revise for and the washing up could wait. Nothing in itreally not worth turning into a family crisis! Okay, maybe I spoke a bit sharply, but Jane wasnt exactly being patient either! Adams her son, and me I bit my lip. Why am I always the odd one out? Why did Mum leave so soon If Adam was Mums too, shed never pit us against each other. How do you even divide up children like that? Cassie used to explain it to me.
Let it go, Pippa. Even parents with their own kids do the same sometimes. Look at mineMum dotes on my little sister. Me? Im just an extra. Doesnt mean I sit here sobbing about it. Get over it! But you, you spiral. Trust meyour familys nothing if not logical: youre healthy, your brothers ill. He needs the attention; you get the tough love.
What, and I dont deserve any attention?
Of course you do, but Janes only human. Shed struggle with just one kid. And you want her to always be everything for you too? Be honestis she the evil stepmother sending you off for magic beans every day?
No
Then stop complaining! So you have to walk your brother to the park or nip out for a loaf of bread. Big deal!
You dont get it! I snapped.
I do, though. You just want sympathythats what Im here for. But Jane she doesnt have to love you, Pippa. And not everyone can love someone elses child as their own. Especially if theyve a poorly kid of their own.
Do you think she resents me for being healthy?
I dont know. Maybe, maybe not. Who can know for sure? One thing I do know: shes not the worst you could have had.
Why do you say that?
Because! Cassie tapped the new gold earrings in my ears.
The earrings were a birthday gift from Dad and Jane. Id longed for themstared every time we passed the jewellers in townbut never said a word, knowing they were far too dear. Once, Jane caught me looking.
You like those?
No! I shot off quickly, missing how Jane watched after me with a wry shake of her head.
I found the little red heart-shaped box on my pillow the morning of my birthday. I just sat there, turning it over in my hands, afraid to open it. Everyone was still asleep except Adam, snuffling in his sleep as if fighting off some invisible monster. Suddenly he woke and turned straight to me.
Seen what you got? he peered up, all eagerness.
Not yet.
Well, open it then! Im wide awake!
I grinned at his honesty as I opened the box and gasped. They were the very earrings Id wanted.
Dancing…what are they called, those stones?
Diamonds.
Yeah! Dyou like them?
A lot I felt my nose prickle with tears.
Hey, no crying! Its your birthday! Adam started to jump towards me but fell straight back onto his pillow. Mum and I picked them specially
No, really! I pressed the box to my chest and leapt out of bed. Im not crying! I just want to try them on and you can judge if they suit me.
I never knew how Dad and Jane found the money for something so expensive. But the fact was, those sparkling stones now danced on my ears. So Cassie had a point.
I jumped when Dad opened the door.
Pippa, can I have a word?
Adam shot a worried look at Dad and grabbed my hand.
Youre not going to cry, are you?
I shook my head and followed Dad out.
We sat in silence in the kitchen, staring at the swirling steam above our mugs of tea. It should have felt warm and cosy but it didnt. All I wanted was to run away, just so I didnt have to sit there, lost for words, lost for feelings, next to the only person who might understand me.
Pip Dad started, then caught himself. For a moment, he could have sworn it was Mum sitting across from him, shy and afraid to look up. When had his little girl grown up so quickly? How had he never noticed quite how much she looked like her mother, Marion?
Their time together before the wedding was brief, and their married life even briefer. A willowy girl, slipping on the pier, scooped up in his arms and hurried across the beach to the ambulance.
Youre a strong one! Thank you! Marion smiled, and Ollie found himself dizzy.
He didnt even get her number. In half an hour, he was running around the local hospital searching for her.
Took you long enough! her sing-song voice stopped him mid-corridor, and he stood, dumb at the foot of her casted leg.
They married six months later. Marion moved in, leaving her hometown family behind.
Now youre my family.
A brief marriage, a little girl, then an unfair and awful ending. Oliver remembered how hed been flagged down on the motorway by a fellow lorry driver.
Your radios gone out!
Who knowsmust be on the blink.
You need to go home, mate. Youve got someone waiting for you. Lucky you werent far
Oliver had sat on a bench, rocking his daughter in his arms, as the neighbour handed her over, muttering over and over:
She never complained about her heart
Little Pippa squinted in the sun, not knowing her life had just split in two.
Pip Oliver caught her hand.
What, Dad? You going to have a go?
No. He realised he hadnt the strength. I just wanted to ask
What? I frowned, steeling myself.
Hows things really?
He watched as his grown-up daughter sobbed in front of him, and he felt he might cry himself. He had no idea how to help her. He just knew he could never choose between his wife and his daughter. Hed have to patch things up between them, if it was possible at all.
Dad I finally wiped my eyes and looked at him. Im sorry. Ill try harder!
Lets just have a chat, eh? Tell me whats happening at school, hows Cassie? Is her gran any better? Whens she coming back?
Not for ages, Dad. Its bad there. Cassies stuck with her granI think itll be a long stay. She says its her cross to bear. Gran raised her, so now she has to take care of her in return.
And Cassies okay?
Yeah, shes holding up. Better than me, probably. She manages to keep up with schoolwork and still care for her gran. Moans about it, but she gets on… and she misses us.
And you?
I miss her too Dad, why does it always feel like everyone I love leaves?
Dad gripped his mug tight, knuckles white.
Thats not true, Pip!
Isnt it? Mum, Cassie whos next?
No one. Were all staying right here. Dont even start thinking otherwise, you got that?
I nodded, though I know Dad could see my doubts. He looked at the door and then quietly said:
So whats going on with, erm… Matthew?
The blush shot up my cheeks. Dad smiledI think he knew hed found the right topic. As I brushed him off with a familiar huff, Dad looked relieved, and leaned back in his chair.
Go ontell me everything!
We talked for ages that night. Jane finished the ironing, settled Adam in bed, and then turned in herself. She knew better than to interrupt. She lay alone in the dark, listening to the faint murmurs and occasional laughter from the kitchen, and thought over everything that had happened recently. The row Pippa had started, and the call from the headteacher two days before that shed chosen not to mention to Oliver. That would be enough. If Oliver talked to Pippa, the truancy issue would sort itself. If not Jane sighed. Shed have to be strict then. But what measures? If Pippa were her own, shed know exactly what to do. But she wasnt, and that always stopped her. It wasnt pityshe knew people assumed that for anyone in her shoes. Look at that poor orphan with the wicked stepmother… Jane almost laughed. It wasnt lack of sympathy for the girl whod lost her mumit was that Jane truly felt it wasnt right to wallow in pity. The girl was alive, healthy, and her life shouldnt always be defined by her tragedy. Jane of all people understoodshed grown up an orphan herself, moved through two foster families before finding a true home.
Her own mother, put away in prison before Jane could remember, after some drunken fight that changed everything. A few years in a childrens home, then fostered, then taken back, and left again when her foster mum had twins and felt she couldnt cope.
Then another family, where things seemed settled, until illness, divorce, and a formal letter returned Jane to the system. Jane remembered that last goodbye, how her foster mum had told her gently:
Sorry, love. Youre on your own now…
Shed never forgotten those wordsthey became her motto. No one would stand up for her; shed have to do it herself. She learned to fight her own battles.
When, half a year later, a woman named Nora came for her, Jane just wouldnt talk to her.
Fine, Ill do the talkingyou just listen.
Nora talked about their village, the neighbours, the house and the bonny siblings waiting for her. Jane shook her headshe didnt believe a word. When persuasion failed for months, Nora gave her space. It took a year before Jane managed to call her “Mum.” Even years later, Jane still panicked at the thought that Nora might send her back, or something might happen to this woman who had become her whole world. She remembered finding a faded Saints medallion in the atticshe didn’t know how to pray, didnt know what exactly to do, but shed place it before her and whisper over and over:
Save her, keep her safe…
Did it help? Jane didnt know, but she wanted to believe. Nora eventually passed away when Adam was two. Jane, then still naïve to how much harder life would get, looked after her foster mother till the end.
Dont cry, love. We all go in the end. Its easier this way less pain.
Mum, why? Why you, of all people?
Never ask “why me”, love. Ask “what for”. Understand? Not whywhat for.
Jane always remembered this, especially during her struggles with Pippa. What was this all for? Why her? Why did she have this responsibility of anothers child, especially while caring for Adam? Wasnt it enough to cope with her poorly son, knowing hed never walk? Jane squeezed her eyes shut, shooing off the darkness. If only there had been some hope If only
She got up and crept to Adams room. Hed thrown off his covers as usual. Jane tucked him in, then sat by his bed, lost in thought. She only stirred when Pippa touched her shoulder.
Jane, you should go to bedits really late.
Jane blinked, glancing around the room.
Did I doze off? What time is it?
Nearly three. Pippa sat on the edge of Adams bed; the nightlight threw gentle shadows on her face. Jane can I ask you something?
Jane straightened Adam’s covers, took a steadying breath, and turned to Pippa.
Of course.
Do you love me?
Jane clenched the duvet tightly. Gathering herself, she shook her head.
I dont know. Nothats not fair, let me be honest. Youre old enough to understand. I cant say I love you the same way I love Adam. That wouldnt be true. But youre not a stranger to me, Pippa. I worry about you nearly as much as about him. Its like some default setting mothers get, right? You have a child, and suddenly, youre always afraid something might happen. You protect, you worry, you protect again. Theres no off-switchonly an on. Is it love? I dont know So Im telling you honestly.
Pippa listened, sitting upright, legs tucked underneath, barely blinking.
If you ask if I get butterflies when I think about you, I dont. Probably never will. I dont know how well go on from here. Its complicated, for both of us. And it isnt about washing up, is it? But I do care what happens to you. I want you to do well, to grow up, to live your own happy life. Ill do all I can for that. Just… dont ask me to be a fairy godmother. I have no idea how. Gran Norashe knew. I dont.
Gran Nora used to say you shouldnt spoil children. That you ought to love them well, but never so much that love makes them monstrous.
What? Jane gave a puzzled laugh. When did she tell you that?
When we visited her. And once she told me you were good, only frozenlike the Snow Queen. She said it wasnt really your fault That bit I never got.
I do And what was the bit about love gone monstrous?
That was after the neighbours son drowned a litter of kittens. His mum praised him for it instead of telling him off, and had a go at us for not letting him on the swings. Thats when Gran Nora said love can be dangerous when its blind.
Right Pip
You dont need to say more. Really. Im not promising anythingI dont know if I could keep any promise right now. But I want to try. To do better.
Lets give it a go
Jane turned to leave, but suddenly came back, cupped my face in her hands and said quietly:
Well try, together.
Looking back, Ill always think of that night as a turning point. I didnt grow wings, not then, not ever. But I had my brother, whom I adored, and a promisenot perfect, but goodwhich I had to keep.
Years later, pregnant with my first, I came back to visit Dad, Adam, and Jane. I hugged Jane tight, as Adam sang off-key with wild enthusiasm, delighted by the new laptop Id bought him. And I whispered to Jane, so Dad and Adam couldnt hear:
Thank you.
For what? Jane blinked at me.
For always telling me the truth. And Mum, that button you mentioneddoes it switch on as soon as the baby arrives? Because, I think mines jammed.
If youre wondering about it now, the countdowns already started! Jane laughed, pretending she hadnt noticed Id called her Mum for the first time.
