And she dreamed of her Jack
Grandma Agatha sat in her armchair and listened to the racket coming from the kitchen. Her granddaughter Amanda and great-granddaughter Daisy were at each others throats again. Amanda, a sturdy forty-year-old, was laying into teenage Daisy, whod just sauntered in, bold as brass, after a night out.
By the sound of it, Amanda had taken the tea towel to Daisys backside. There was shouting, blaming, the worksDaisy howled she was innocent, Amanda thundered with wounded parent authority.
Honestly, was it the time for all this? It was past midnight. And from where Grandma Agatha sat, with more years behind than ahead, arguments seemed like a frightful wasteunnecessary, useless, and mostly terrifying.
She found her thoughts drifting to the big questions, her own mistakes. Shed long ago tossed all this family shrieking onto the pile of her lifes missteps. At her age, with no fight left in her, there wasnt much else to do but think and muse.
Oh Lord, calm them down, she whispered into the dark, Please, a bit of peace!
It often felt to Agatha that her time was nearly up. Yet, stubbornly, she lingered. No pain, no fear, just a niggling irritation that she was still stuck in this achy old body. She still felt peckish sometimes, liked to shift about, and, every now and again, to sit propped up, peering out the window.
On evenings, shed ask Amanda to pile up the cushions, open the curtains and the window. Shed gaze onto the street and fancy she saw the stars. On this particular, rowdy night, Agatha was all set up for her nightly sky-watch when the chaos erupted.
Amanda… Mandy! she tried to get a word in, but her granddaughter was too busy roaring at Daisy.
Suddenly, Daisy barreled through the door, flopped dramatically into the armchair at Agathas feet, legs curled up. She sniffled, hiccupped and sulked.
Amanda stormed in a few minutes later, fiddled brusquely with Agathas blanket, and glared at Daisy. To bed! Now!
Leave it out, Mum. Im staying here, with Nan. Ill make up this chair, Daisy muttered.
She fetched bedding, ostentatiously marching off to the part of the cottage farthest from the kitchen, making it very clear she was cross with her mum and not sleeping on their side tonight.
Her brother was off at Scout camp, and Daisys dadgentle old Paulworked out of town, always taking Daisys part. Now there was no one to save her from Amanda’s strictness.
Now listen, Nan. I told herbe home by eleven! Its nearly two! And again, out with that prat, Nick Wheeler. You know, the one whos been up before the magistrate. I lecture and I lecture, but honestlyshell never finish uni at this rate! Amanda huffed, but now softer, almost as if she was summarizing for Daisys benefit.
Daisy made up the chair, movements jerky, refusing to engage. Agatha said nothing, just brushed her hair with the comb shed removed for the night and pretended she was settling in for sleep, not fanning any flames.
Daisy stomped to the bathroom, peeled off her jeans and jumper, jumped back in her vest and knickers, and burrowed under the duvet. Her nose kept sniffling.
Nan? came Daisys small voice after a bit, Doesnt the moon keep you awake?
Me? Hardly notice it these days, love. Just a glimmer, Agatha replied. Shut the curtains if it bothers you.
Nah. Its all right. It feels like its on its own, and it gets me
Not on its own, pet. Loveeveryone gets it, really. Only thing is, you lot stumble about in it so much, no wonder Amanda gets nervy.
Did she make mistakes too?
Oh, she did. One day, sit down heart to heart with her. She might tell you.
Cant you tell me, Nan? Daisy raised her head from the pillow, Maybe Id understand what makes her so She was searching for the right word.
No, no don’t remember much now. Ask her yourself, darling.
Yeah, right, like shed ever!
But Agatha only smiled at the ceiling.
There was a hush.
You know, Daisys voice trembled with the weight of teenage truth, sometimes it feels like love just stops. No way forward. And you block it, say No, that’s it, can’t go further, and then he gets bored, you know?
Agatha tried valiantly to follow. But, truth be told, her mind didnt whirl as it once did.
Love is love, Daisy. It hurts, its bitter, its sweet. But dead ends? Never came across a love with a dead end! Never heard such a thing.
Agatha had lived a life, mind. Shed been a nurse since the war, started as a girl. Grit was measured not in certificates, but in simply getting through each day. Got her qualifications after the war, never worked anywhere but the NHS.
But it happens, Nan. Sometimes you just dont know what next.
They both drifted into silence, wholly misunderstood by one another. Daisy thought Nan was just too ancient and proper to understand what she and Nick felt. Agatha, on the other hand, thought Daisy was a dear child, confused about grown-up feelings.
Restlessness rattled through the room. Daisy shuffled, sighed.
Looking at the stars, pet? Agatha peered from her nest of pillows. Your great-grandad used to say if you stared long enough at one spot in the sky, youd start feeling someone was peering back at you from that very star. Like answering.
Did you love him loads, Nan? came a muffled question.
Who, Grandpa Jack? she smiled, Well all sorts happened, love. Life was long. But in the end, I did love him, fiercely. Sometimes, its only after theyre gone that you know how much.
Oh! Daisy propped herself up, Didnt you marry him real young though? At sixteen, yeah? See, that was allowed then, but for us, at eighteen, its suddenly too early! she huffed with teenagerly injustice.
Different times, Daisy.
Loves the same, though. Its love in all times! Daisy retorted.
Agatha just smiledshe wasnt arguing. Who knew what love really was? Back then, what counted was different. Boys were seen as future breadwinners, family men, someone solid to lean on. Is it so now?
Nan Daisy piped up again, Didnt Grandpa Jack wasnt he fifteen years older than you? And you were just a kid! Course he fancied a young girlany bloke would! Is that all love really is?
Agatha fell silent, so did Daisy, a little embarrassed now by her own accusation.
Nan, do you think Im a bit thick? Honestly? Tell me Were both awake anyway. Please, tell me. Ill prop your pillows if you like?
Daisy fussed, her pale legs and knickers flashing in the moonlight, adjusting Agathas cushions, then hunkering down, ready for a proper listen.
Agatha was tired, words dragging a bit, but wanting to soothe her rattled great-granddaughter, she began.
Oh, theres not much to tell, love she waved her hand, lips pursed. It was all pain mostly. We met at the military hospital. End of ’43, hospital bursting with wounded. Bandages, blood, surgery. I barely looked like a girlhair shorn, lice were everywhere those days with the soldiers. Baggy uniform, nobody saw me as anything but mate.
She shook her head; hands, she remembered, stung with disinfectant.
And the marches! Lines and linesinfantry, trucks, horses, all plodding west. We were left to pick up the broken men.
She sniffed, They died in my arms, one after the other. Someone waited for each of them, but once, a boy came inmy age, sixteen. A partisan scout. Expecting him to die too, but he lasted. I got attached. In his final minute, he stared right into my eyes as if trying to stay
Her voice faltered briefly.
I broke down, begged him not to die, kissed his face. But when the familiar coldness came over him, I hit the floor never had I cried like that before, for all the men Id lost.
She gathered herself a bit.
Someone knelt beside me, put his arms round me, stroked my hair. Go on, love, cry, he said. That heavy weights hard to carry. That was Jackyour great-grandad.
Daisys head poked up.
He liked you then, didn’t he?
Well yes and no. He was kept back to recover from his wound. Stayed in town for the rebuildingfactories and all that. He came to visit, kept my spirits up, sneaked me apples in my pockets. But, truthfully, I didnt fancy him then. He had a beard, limped. Over thirty! Seemed ancient to me.
She paused again, gathering up stray memories.
But by the time the hospital closed, he was family. He knew I wanted to train as a nurse and that I had nobody leftmum died before the war, gran didnt make it through the Blitz, dad and brother were gone. Then one day, he turned up, clean shaven, called in the doctorDr. Simons was good to me, too.
She smiled at the memory.
They sat me down and asked whatd I do now. I only wanted to study But they said I hadnt two O-levels to rub together! I said, Ill catch up. They looked at each other.
Jack cleared his throat. Lost my lot in the war. Wife and daughter killed in an air raid. Theyre sending me to Yorkshire. Theres a medical college there. Why dont we marry, Agatha? You can come with me, Ill help with your studies, and if it doesnt work outwell, thats that, he said, hand on his heart in front of the doctor.
She went quiet again, deep in memory. Daisy sat, knees tucked up, watching.
I was in a right state, honestly, Agatha resumed. I always thought of him as a dadnot a husband! But then I saw him, all buffed and hopeful. I mustve looked a stateknickers Id sewn out of army sheets, hair like a hedgehog. Hardly marriage material!
I shrugged, looked away. The doctor muttered something to himDont worry, Agatha. On paper only. Well just register, so you can travel. I promise I wont touch you.
Again, a gentle pause.
Well? Daisys curiosity pricked up.
Well it was just that. I was seventeen, not sixteen, in the end. We signed the books at the registry, got on the train to Yorkshire. He had my knapsack, a new uniform from Dr Simons. He fussed over me the whole journey, nervous as anything.
They lived for two years as just companionslike father and daughter, not lovers.
Daisy shook her head in disbelief. You slept separately? Changed somewhere else? How?
Agatha chuckled. Yes, love! Two beds, and the wardrobe for changing. Sometimes Id crawl in to his bed if I was icy cold or had news to share! When I grew older, I felt badhe mustve suffered, poor man. But he gave me everything, protected me. Bought me clothes, spoilt me with shoes, dressesmy favourite was cornflower blue with little stars on. I wore it to bits. I filled out a bit, hair grew, and, oh, I even got a chest again! Finished secondary school at night, started college, and the young doctors all started eyeing me up. Part of me resented being married, because no one knew I was only a girl at heart, not a real grown woman. But truth was, I only loved Jack.
How could he be your man if he was just a dad figure? Daisy asked, wrinkling her nose.
It wasnt that simple, Daisy. I wasnt shy the way you are with a real dad. But I loved him deep down, and was proud of him. He drove me to college in the car the factory gave him. Oh, I felt important then!
If you were proud of him, what next? Daisy pressed.
Agatha sighed. Things turned bleak. They arrested him. It was the late 40s, just after the war, and suddenly anyone could be accused. Jack was blamed for sabotaging equipment. They swept up dozens at a time. I delivered him knitted socks, tried to see him at court. He whispered, Divorce me, Agatha. Save yourself. Im a marked man now.
Agathas eyes blurred, and a tear slipped down her cheek.
Daisy scrambled over and stroked her legs. Dont cry, Nan! That happened to lots of folks, right?
Too many, love. Hardest part was seeing frightened children clinging to their mothers, sent off in train carriages. I I went after him. Dropped out of college, moved to some little Yorkshire village near the timber camp where he was sentenced to work. I wasnt the only onethere were whole families, kids and all. We made our own community.
She smiled wryly now.
When they sent Jacks lot to the mines, they needed a medic. I was taken on. Back to saving lives, just like before.
We finally set up house together on that settlementand thats when I crawled under his blanket, made it clear I wanted to be a proper wife, not just on paper. I was about your age, not quite twenty. Our son was born there, your grandma Maggie in Leeds after we were released. I finished my training while pregnant. Then your Uncle Tom came, after we built this house. I was pushing forty, Jack was over fifty. He died early. Tom was only nine.
Daisy chewed her nail, very still by Agathas side. I dont know anything about life, Nan. It’s all upside down, isnt it?
Upside down? Agatha mused. Maybe. Why do you say so?
Because you only fell in love after you lived together. Now people think they need to fall in love first.
Love isnt something you demand, Daisy. You either deserve it, orits a grace. A gift. You cant stamp your foot for it.
Maybe were talking at cross purposes, Nan
You mean? Agatha peered over, and caught on. Ahh, you mean the bed stuff, darling?
Yeah, Daisy admitted, eager for a confidante. Closeness. Intimacy is what they call it now. My mate Emma says theres no moving forward for us if I dont give in to Nick. Boys all have a deadline now.
Thats not love, Daisy. When Grandpa Jack carried me to the loo after I had your uncle, thats love. When your dad ran right across town after an explosion at your mums factory, thats real. Or when Aunt Liz jumped off the pier for Uncle Tim, daft as she is, even though she couldn’t swim! Just turning up, cooking dinner, waiting at home, caring thats love. Thats the best of it.
Agatha coughed, dusty with old words.
Have some water, Nan, Daisy said, unscrewing the top of her thermos.
Agatha sipped, lay back.
What if Nick says he cant wait any longer? Says it means I dont love him if I dont give in. Says hell leave, and Emma says hell hook up with Natalie Glover if I dont, and shes been waiting ages
What do you think, love? Are you worried he wont marry you? Or?
I dont know. What if Im wrong about my feelings? Or he is? I just want it to be for life, like you, Nan. Not just for now.
Then follow your heart. Someone who really loves you isnt going to bulldoze you, Daisy. True love is gentle, certain. I remember with Jack, there just came a momentno doubt, no fear. I just got up and went to him. He asked if I was sure, and, honestly, I was nodding so hard I was embarrassed, but I wanted it more than anything.
Agatha was surprised at herself, sharing so muchand with her great-granddaughter, of all people!
But as she gazed at the night sky, she thought, maybe someone up there was listening and nudging her to share.
She was so weary, she didnt notice dozing off. When she awoke, Daisy was fast asleep in her chair, cocooned in blankets. Agatha couldnt even recall if theyd finished their chat.
Why these late-night confessions? Must be the stars, she decided. Nighttime had its own sort of magic.
She sat up and glanced at Daisya curled-up bundle in white knickers, all limbs and youth. Goodness, what earnest things theyd spoken of! Still, maybe the conversation had been just what Daisy needed. Maybe it had been sent from above, after all
Agathas daughter Maggie had died young, so Amanda inherited the job of looking after her. A real task, with this big draughty house, job, two kids, and Agatha herself! Its no wonder Amanda lost her rag.
The next morning, Agatha slept in. Amanda helped her to wash, brought her porridge.
You really didnt have to shout so at Daisy last night, Agatha chided gently. What’s meant to be, will be. Maybe share your own story with her?
Are you joking, Mum? Shes just a girl. She doesnt need to know all that. I cant bear itall those daft lads and beer bottles, she looks at Nick like hes some sort of god. Drives me mad. Now eat up, Ive got to get to Tesco.
You were just the same, Amanda. Remember what your own mother said to you? Did you listen?
Amanda blushed. All right, all right. What did you two talk about half the night, eh?
Oh, just the old days. Dont know where I found the energy.
Amanda left, and Agatha thought back to Amandas own heartbreakhow she arrived home from college, in tears, carrying a bump and no boyfriend to speak of. Such pain, but Agatha was steadfasttheyd keep the baby, raise it together. But fate had other plans, and Amanda lost the baby despite everything.
Amandas kids knew nothing of any of this. Her husband, Paul, did. He was a good man.
That day, Agathas oldest friend Edna popped by for tea, and the two wept over memories of their youth.
The next day, Amanda crept in, suddenly grateful.
Nan, I dont know what you said, but Daisys split up with Nick Wheeler. Thank heavens! Says its for good. Apparently hes already out walking with that blonde from next door.
Oh? Well, maybe its for the best. Is she upset, love? Agatha fretted, combing her hair.
Of course. Shes not come out of her room all day. Im staying out of it.
Share your own story with her
Do you really think I should? Goodness, its embarrassing. Im still her mum, you know?
Nows the time, Amanda. Go on.
Amanda went upstairs, and Agatha could hear the mother-daughter murmurs drifting through. Most likely they lay together, side by side, talking about those embarrassing, grown-up things no mum ever wants to mention.
Soon, there was the bang of pans and the sound of laughter from the kitchen. Agatha finally fell asleep properly, content at last.
She dreamed of her Jackreliable, beloved, filled with quiet gentlenessas though hed stepped right off a star to hold her again.
She ran to him across a damp, sparkling English field, dressed in that blue dress with little stars, seeing every flower and blade of grass shine in detail.
And Jack stood there in the middle of the field, arms wide, wearing a white shirt, looking so young and strong. Waiting just for her. And falling into his hug was pure blisslike their souls met, lips to lips, all over again.
