The House of Discord: Or, What Does This Have to Do With My Place? Auntie Gloria, who had already fished out a jar of pickled gherkins and a wedge of cheese from the fridge, turned round. “Well, you see—my little room, where I usually sleep, is being renovated! And now my son, my daughter-in-law, and three grandchildren have taken over. There’s nowhere for me to sleep. So I thought—I’ll come here just for the night, go back in the morning, sort the builders out, and it’ll all be sorted!” *** Sonia was snatched from a lovely dream by a sharp bang downstairs. She jumped, sat up in bed, and listened… “What the—” she whispered into the darkness of her upstairs bedroom. No more suspicious banging; only the tick of the wall clock, which used to soothe her, now suddenly sinister… “Probably a branch snapped and landed on the porch,” she thought. “Or old furniture crashed. It’s an old house. I’ll check in the morning.” Sonia lay down again, about to drift off, when another, quieter—yet far more unnerving—knock sounded below. Shuffle. Shuffle. Someone was walking. Not the cat, definitely. Horrified, Sonia froze. Not a dream. Burglars. In her own home. And that’s the best-case scenario! Worse to imagine if it’s not burglars… Panicking, Sonia jumped out of bed. The floor was cold, but fear had her breaking a sweat. Her eyes landed on the bedside table. There—a heavy, old-fashioned brass lamp with a thick glass shade. Solid. She just had to hit on the first swing… She grabbed it, tiptoeing, almost crawling, toward the bedroom door. She cracked it open a millimeter. The landing was dark, but the streetlamp outside spilled light through the window high above, casting ghoulish shadows. The footsteps had stopped. The burglar (or burglars) stood at the foot of the stairs, near the kitchen. Sonia crept down, pressed against the wall. A deep breath—remembered her one self-defense class, which she’d ditched after the first session. Now or never. She charged, lamp raised over her head. “I’ll show you—!” she yelled, aiming at the dark figure who stood back to her at the stairs. The figure didn’t even turn. And thank God for that! Because instead of a crowbar-wielding burglar, it was Aunt Gloria. Sonia froze, arms slack, then, coming to herself, reached for the light switch. “Auntie Gloria?” Clutching her cloth bag of belongings, Auntie Gloria stared at Sonia in her silly T-shirt and pyjama bottoms. “Sonia! Oh my goodness!” Auntie Gloria clutched her wrist where her pulse should be pounding. “You almost knocked me out…” Sonia exhaled—like she hadn’t since her A-level results. “Auntie Glo, I thought you were a burglar! Why scare me like that… My whole life flashed before my eyes on those stairs.” She put the lamp’s heavy brass base—now detached—on the step. “Your life flashed? I can’t even imagine what if you’d actually hit—” Auntie Gloria trembled. “How did you get in here, anyway?” Auntie Gloria remembered it was her turn to justify herself, not scold. “Sorry, pet, I didn’t mean to wake you. I thought you’d be deep asleep. I sneaked in, ever so quietly…” “Quietly?” Sonia echoed. “The racket was phenomenal.” “That was me dropping the coat stand in the hall. Then I was looking for somewhere to leave my bags…” “Bags?” Sonia peered into the hall, spotting several supermarket carrier bags. “But why burst into my house at three in the morning?” “It’s not bursting, darling,” Auntie Gloria retorted. “Just popping round.” “Popped round? You kept the keys?” Sonia finally cottoned on. Oops—caught her out. “Well—not exactly…” “When you sold me the house, I took ALL the keys. You promised you’d handed them all over.” Auntie Gloria giggled, blaming her forgetfulness. “See, Sonia… I was clearing my cupboards, and—guess what—in an old pocket I found another set! Pure accident. I didn’t remember them at all!” Sonia leaned against the wall. Laugh or cry? “I see,” she said coolly. “Another set. And you decided to come here—at three a.m.—without warning me! You know the dark makes me nervous when I’m alone.” Auntie Gloria, listening aggrievedly, wandered into the sitting room, peeking into every door. “Oh, it’s so tidy now! You’re a marvel, Sonia. I came because we have a bit of a crisis.” “What sort?” Sonia asked. Auntie Gloria crossed into the kitchen—visible from the lounge—and, without turning on the light, deftly opened the fridge. The fridge’s glow outlined her as she bent over the door. “Well, see, Anton and his wife arrived out of nowhere, with the grandchildren…” “And what’s that got to do with my house?” Auntie Gloria, now holding a jar of gherkins and chunk of cheddar, spun round. “Well—my little room at home is being renovated! The son, daughter-in-law, and all three grandkids are there! There’s nowhere to lay my head. So I thought—I’ll spend the night here, back in the morning, sort the builders, and all will be fine!” Should’ve whacked her with that lamp, really. “Auntie Glo… Not to be rude, but, technically, this is my house now.” Auntie Gloria finished her cheese, replaced the jar, and looked at Sonia questioningly. “So what? You’re not letting your aunt spend the night? In the house I sold you—at a steal, mind!” Feels less sold, more gifted. Saintly benefactress. “I’ll let you stay, Auntie,” Sonia sighed, drained from the midnight ordeal—no energy to argue, and where could she send her at this hour? “But first and last time. One night, then you’re off tomorrow.” She had to make up the guest bed downstairs—the sofa bought especially for visitors, though none had ever come. Next morning, Auntie Gloria, seeing Sonia’s home was thoroughly lived-in, started rifling through every drawer. “Oh, what’s this? You bought a new blender? I gave you mine—remember? It still worked! You just said it was old. You youngsters don’t appreciate things.” By lunchtime, Sonia was sure Auntie Gloria would be leaving any minute. But she showed no sign of going. “Sonia! Clever lass, not kicking me out! I’ve been thinking…” Here we go. “What’s on your mind, Auntie?” “Well, renovations aren’t quick. The builders said Wednesday, but they’ve delayed three times already. They promise one thing and do another. Anton’s staying for ages—they need somewhere.” “I’ve got plans myself…” Sonia replied. “And how am I bothering your plans? I’ll sleep on the sofa, like last night. I’ll be quiet as a mouse! You’ll barely notice I’m here.” “I already did!” Sonia burst out. “Did I do anything wrong?” she whimpered. Sonia just couldn’t say a hard ‘no’. Especially to family. Especially when she claimed it’d be only a few days… And the house had belonged to her for years… “Alright,” Sonia whispered, “but only till Wednesday—no visitors.” “Wednesday! Promise!” Wednesday came. The renovations dragged on. Another week went by. Sonia found herself living in a guesthouse: allowed to use the kitchen, but only after Aunt Gloria finished cooking. And she was now staff too. “Sonia, got any more towels? These are dirty. Could you do a wash, love?” Sonia wearied. She wanted to wash only her own laundry, not wait her turn for the kitchen, and at least enjoy peace in her own room. She began locking her bedroom, which caused a storm from Aunt Gloria. “What’s this—are you afraid of me? Or what’s that supposed to mean?” “I just want some time alone…” “Because I annoy you?” Yes! But she said, “No.” Finally, after two weeks, Anton and family left, having raided half the freezer. Sonia decided: time to send Auntie home. “Auntie Gloria, I hope you can stay at yours tonight?” “Of course, Sonia!” But one last thing. “I need you to return your keys before you go.” “Why do you want my keys?” “They aren’t yours. You sold me the house. It’s mine. You don’t live here any more. I want to be the only one with the keys.” “So you’re kicking me out?” Eyes like Puss in Boots. “With respect, you’re a guest. Guests don’t keep keys.” “Oh, Sonia—I’ve lived here all these years… I know every nook and cranny…” “I understand, Auntie, but I can’t help. You sold me the place, not gifted…” “So what?” she asked. “You could let me visit, couldn’t you? I’m not moving in permanently!” “Auntie Gloria, you’ve lived here for two weeks, emptied my fridge, slept on my sofa, refused to give back the keys! That’s not ‘visiting’.” “We could live here together…” she suggested. “Don’t even think about it!” Sonia snapped. Finally, Aunt Gloria, peeved, yanked out her keys. “There,” she flung them down. “Take them. I won’t set foot in this house again!” “Goodbye, Auntie Gloria.” Clear enough. Time to pack up and go. “Right. Don’t call me. If you don’t want to see me, why bother with each other?” she said. “As you wish.” Peaceful goodbyes weren’t to be—Auntie Gloria fussing and fuming right till the end. But once she left, Sonia just exhaled—and felt no regret.

A Sticky Situation

So how does that affect my house?

Aunt Edith, who had already pulled a jar of pickled onions and a slice of cheddar out of the fridge, turned around.

Well, you see, my dear, were having work done in the small roomthe one I usually sleep in! And then my son, his wife, and their three kids turned up out of nowhere! Theres not even anywhere to put them all. So I thought, Ill come over here, stay the night, head home in the morning to sort out the builders, and everything will be just fine!

***

Sophie was yanked from pleasant dreams by a sharp bang from downstairs. She shot upright in bed, listening

What on earth? she whispered into the darkness of her bedroom, which overlooked the garden from the first floor.

No more suspicious noises followed. Just the ticking of the wall clock, which used to be comforting but now sounded almost ominous.

Probably a branch snapped off and landed on the porch, Sophie thought. Or maybe an old chair finally gave up the ghost. This place is ancient. Ill have a proper look in the morning.

She lay back down, desperate to get back to sleep, and was nearly drifting off when a noise came again from belowa smaller bang this time, but much more unsettling. Scrape scrape. Someone was moving down there. And it was definitely not the cat.

Fear hit her like a freight train. This wasnt a dream. Burglars. Breaking into her house. Best case! Who knows what else could be down there

Frantic, she leapt from bed, the cool floor sending a shiver through hereven though she was sweating buckets. Her eyes landed on the bedside table, where a heavy, old brass lamp with a chunky glass shade stood. Solid stuff. She just needed one good swing

She grabbed it and crept, practically crawling, towards her bedroom door.

Cracking the door open a fraction, she peered into the gloomy hallway. Streetlamp light slanted through the window up near the ceiling, throwing all sorts of weird shadows around. The footsteps had stopped. Whoever it was, theyd halted right at the bottom of the stairs, closer to the kitchen.

Sophie tiptoed her way down.

Pressed herself to the wall. Deep breath, remembering that self-defence class shed quit after just one lesson. Now or never.

She charged, lamp raised overhead like a club.

Ill show you! she yelled, aiming for the dark figure standing with its back to her at the foot of the stairs.

The figure didnt even have time to turn.

But Sophie missed.

And thank goodness she did!

Because instead of catching a burglar with a crowbar, she was facing Aunt Edith.

Sophie froze, hands still midair. Then she snapped out of it and found the light switch.

Aunt Edith?

Aunt Edith clutched a cloth bag to her chest, eyes wide as saucers at the sight of Sophie in her ridiculous t-shirt and pyjamas.

Oh my days, Sophie! Honestly! Aunt Edith gripped her wrist like she was checking her own pulse, My hearts going like the clappers! You nearly flattened me

Sophie exhaled harder than she had since getting her A-Level results.

Auntie, I thought you were a burglar! You scared the life out of me I swear, my whole life flashed before my eyes on that staircase.

She set the base of the lampwhich had promptly come apartdown on the step.

Your life flashed? I cant even imagine what wouldve happened if youd actually hit me Edith was shaking.

How did you even get in here?

Aunt Edith remembered herself. She was the one trespassing, not the other way round.

Sorry, sweetheart, sorry. I didnt mean to wake you. I thought youd be sound asleep. I tried to be so, so quiet

Quiet? Sophie echoed, The racket was incredible.

Dropped the coat rack in the hallway, thats all. Then I was trying to work out where to put my bags

Your bags? Sophie looked down the hall and saw several supermarket bags stacked up. But why are you sneaking into my house at three oclock in the morning?

I wasnt exactly sneaking! Just popping in for a quick visit.

Popping in? You still had the keys? Lightbulb moment for Sophie.

Oops. Someones been caught out.

Well, not exactly

When you sold me this house, you told me youd handed over EVERY key. You promised.

Aunt Edith gave a bashful giggle, playing up her absent-mindedness.

Well, funny thing, Sophie Was having a big clear-out last week, checking all the old jackets, and lo and behold, there in an inside pocket was another set! No clue they were even there!

Sophie leaned against the wall, torn between laughing and crying.

Right, she said flatly. So you found another set. But why show up here? In the dead of night? Without a word? You know I hate being alone in the dark

While Sophie was speaking, Aunt Edith was already touring the lounge, peering through every door.

Oh, its all so tidy now! Youve done wonders, Sophie. And honestly, I just came because things went a bit pear-shaped.

What happened? asked Sophie.

Aunt Edith wandered into the kitchen, which you could see from the lounge, andwithout flicking on the lightopened the fridge with impressive confidence. The fridge glow lit her up as she rifled through the contents.

Well, you see, Anton and his wife turned up out of the blue! Brought the grandchildren too

And thats to do with my house?

Aunt Edith, already munching on cheddar and waving a pickled onion, turned around.

Of course! My little rooms getting redone. And with Anton, his wife, and the kids theres nowhere for me! So I came over to yours, spent the night, and tomorrow Ill head back, sort out the workmen, and itll all be fine!

Honestly, Sophie shouldve just clocked her with the lamp.

Aunt Edith I dont mean to be rude, but technically, its my house now.

She finished the cheese, popped the pickle jar back, and stared at Sophie.

So what? Are you not going to let your own aunt stay for the night? In the house I sold you for a smashing price, by the way?

It felt more like shed gifted it than sold it. Saint Edith, patron of bargains.

Ill let you stay, Auntie, Sophie sighedbetween the nighttime drama and sheer exhaustion, she hadnt the strength left for an argument, and where would Edith go at this hour? But this is the first and last time. You stay tonight, and tomorrow youre off.

She laid out the bed downstairs on the sofa, the one shed bought for guests though no one had ever used it.

In the morning, Edith, discovering that Sophie had properly settled in, poked through every cupboard.

Oh, whats this then? Got yourself a new blender? Remember I gave you mine? It still worked perfectly, and you said it was old! You really dont appreciate good things.

By lunchtime, Sophie figured Edith would pack up and go soon, but the woman had no intention of it.

Sophie love! Youre a star for not kicking me out! I was just thinking

Thinking what exactly?

What have you been thinking, Auntie?

Well, you know, renovations never just a day or two. The builders say Wednesday, but thats the third deadline theyve missed. Promise one thing, deliver next week. And Antons staying onthey do need somewhere to live!

I have my own plans Sophie replied.

How am I bothering your plans? Ill sleep on the sofa again, be as quiet as a church mouse! Youll hardly know Im here.

I do know youre here! Sophie burst out.

What have I done wrong? Edith asked, all wounded innocence.

Sophie just could not bring herself to say a firm no. Never had, especially to family. At least Edith only wanted to stay a few days, not forever And the house was hers for ages

Okay, Sophie whispered, but only till Wednesday. And absolutely no extra guests.

Wednesday, cross my heart!

Wednesday came.

The renovation at Ediths wasnt done.

Another week drifted by.

Sophie realised she was now living like a guest in her own house, permitted to use the kitchen only after Edith had finished in there.

Somehow shed morphed into the maid as well.

Sophie, any clean towels? These are filthy. Youll get them washed, wont you?

Sophie started getting tired. She wanted to just do her own laundry, not queue for the kitchen, and maybe, just maybe, sit alone in her room in silence for a while. She started locking her bedroom, which made Edith tut and fuss.

Whats this? Are you scared of me or something?

I just want some time alone

Because Im annoying you?

YES.

But out loud Sophie just said, Nope.

Finally, after two weeks, Anton and crew packed up and went homehalf the freezer contents mysteriously vanished with them. Sophie decided enough was enough; time to reclaim her house.

Aunt Edith, I do hope youll be able to spend tonight in your own place, finally?

Of course, Sophie!

But wait

Ill need you to hand the keys back before you go.

Why do you want my keys?

Theyre not your keys. You sold me this houseits mine now. You dont live here anymore. I want to be the only one with keys.

Youre kicking me out? Big sad eyes like Puss in Boots from Shrek.

With all due respect, youre a guest here. Bits of keys dont go to guests.

Oh, Sophie, I lived in this house for years I know every nook and cranny

I get it, but theres nothing I can do. You sold it, not gifted it

So what? You can still let me stay! Im not moving in forever!

Aunt Edith, youve lived here two weeks, eaten from my fridge, slept on my sofa, and now wont give the keys back! Thats not exactly popping round for a visit.

We could share the place, you know

Absolutely not! Sophie snapped.

Edith, annoyed, pulled out the keys from her coat.

Fine, she said, tossing them over, Take them! I wont darken your door again!

Goodbye, Aunt Edith.

The hint wasnt lost. Time to pack up and go.

Right. Dont bother ringing me anymore. If you dont want me here, why should we keep in touch? Edith bristled.

If thats what you want.

No chance of a peaceful farewellEdith muttered and grumbled about Sophie all the way out. But as soon as the door closed behind her, Sophie finally relaxed. Not a hint of guilt, not even a flinch.