“Are you upset?”
Ive regretted this a hundred times over, Mum. I dont have any strength left, Emily cried over the shrill wails of her daughter, desperation cracking her voice. Its like this morning till night. And all night, too. I cant remember the last time I slept properly. Yesterday, I put the kettle on to boil and fell asleep right there at the table
Oh, love, what can you do? sighed Margaret Green. All little ones scream the house down.
It was clear her mother wasnt catching the hint, so Emily spoke more plainly.
Mum Please, Im beggingcould you take her for a couple of hours? Or just come round, sit with her, let me sleep a bit. I honestly barely know what Im doing. It all feels like a fog.
Em Her mothers tone shifted, warm sympathy replaced by mild rebuke. Dont start. Who did you have her for? Yourself. So, you get on with it. Shell get older, itll get easier. I managed you without nappies and bottle warmers and I lived to tell the tale, didnt I? Anyway, my blood pressures been all over the place with this weatherlast thing I need is to end up in a heap there beside you.
Emilys brow furrowed in bewilderment. She hadnt expected such an abrupt answer and was momentarily lost for words.
Well right. Id best get back to it, she muttered, hanging up the phone.
A cold emptiness settled in her chest, pushing out that childlike comfort she used to feelthe one where you believe your mum will swoop in and fix everything as soon as you call. Yet Emily could hardly argue back.
Or could she?
Time and again, Emily had swallowed her needs to satisfy her mother. Every Christmas, for example. At first, when friends invited her along, and later, when she just wanted a quiet evening with Tom.
I see how it is her mother would sigh upon hearing Emilys plans for the holidays. Well, hope you have a grand time. Ill just be here, all on my own. Raised you and now Ill celebrate on my lonesome
Mum come on, you know Ill pop round as soon as I wake up on Boxing Day.
Oh, dont worry about me, love. Ill wait up. I wont even bother to celebrate, whats the point? Not like theres anyone here. Ill be in bed by nine, wake up the next morningjust another New Years Day.
And every time, Emily relented and made her way to her mothers. How could she leave her alone on a holiday? Friends could toast the night away, light sparklers, sing till dawn. The romantic evening could waither mums loneliness felt heavier than her own needs.
It didnt end there. Margaret Green loved to keep Emily tied up with the threat of her ill health. If anything was the matter, she refused to see a doctor, instead launching her anxiety onto Emily.
My blood pressures shot up again, Em. Feels like Im on my last legs You need to come, now! her mother would wail in panic.
Mum, of course Ill come, but please ring an ambulance! This might be serious!
As if! You know what those people are likehalf the time, you end up waiting hours and then theres not a proper doctor in sight. Lets just manage it ourselves. You give me the injection, and if I really start to fade, then maybe well ring someone.
Margaret held little faith in doctors and grew irritable when Emily suggested calling for professional help. Instead, she trusted that foot massage, vinegar wraps, and her daughters worried presence could fix any affliction. Emily would sit trembling in those momentsnot only responsible for her mums wellbeing but unable to truly help because of that wild stubbornness. All she could do was wait and pray.
Somehow, Emily always found the time. She passed up gatherings, moved appointments, dashed from workknowing she couldnt really change anything but unable to abandon her mother fully. Her conscience wouldnt allow it.
But Margaret Greens conscience stayed silent. And this, despite reminding Emily endlessly how much she wanted grandchildren.
Lindas granddaughter started school this year! her mum would lament at every family dinner. And Annes already got two toddling about. Im the only one left, sitting here by myself as if I havent got anyone. When are you ever going to give me a grandchild? I want a chance to babysit before Im ancient!
But now, with a baby who was no longer a rosy-cheeked dream but a real, demanding human being, Margaret had melted away.
Emily felt stung. For myself, was it? Shed remember that. The next six months were a repeating loopEmily barely knew whether it was Monday or Thursday. Feedings, screaming, jiggling the cot, brief snatches of numb sleep and back to crying again.
Margaret Green remained in her daughters life, but just at the level of a distant acquaintance. Once a week, shed ring up and ask:
Well, how are you two? Growing?
But if her granddaughter so much as squeaked in the background, she vanished.
Oh, Em, sorry, Ive got a headache. And youre so noisy over there. Chin up, darling, motherhoods no walk in the park, shed say before abruptly hanging up.
Emily learned to survive without her mother.
Her mother-in-law, Barbara Turner, was strict but decent. She didnt offer false sweetness or promises, but when she saw how Emily looked more like a pandaeye bags and allshe simply began coming by every Saturday, her day off.
Go and get some sleep, Barbara commanded. Ill take Daisy for a walk in the park, well be back in three hours.
The park? Shell only cry
Shes not made of sugar, I wont dissolve. Your job is to catch up on sleep.
It was Barbara who suggested hiring a nanny now and then, even if only for a couple of hours, so Emily could rest in another room. More than that, she was the first to admit something wasnt right.
She cries far too much, Barbara observed. Stop listening to the health visitors who blame teething and colic. Its not normal.
Barbara scheduled them in with a trusted paediatrician and, ignoring her sons objections, quietly paid for all the checks and tests. The issue was soon clear.
To put it simply, shes got reflux after every feed. Nothing terrible, easily managed, the doctor explained.
Within a fortnight, the Turner house finally became quietnot anxious quiet, but peacefully so. Daisy stopped writhing and screaming. She began to sleepa proper, gentle sleep.
The world brightened for Emily again; time no longer dragged. Daisy transformed from a cantankerous bundle into the sort of grandchild grandmothers dream ofrosy-cheeked, with ribbons in her hair.
December crept up unnoticed. Margaret Green, whose only contact had been through video calls, quickly spotted the changeDaisy now stacked blocks, giggled, and played with her dolls intently.
Suddenly, Grandma decided to reappear.
Em, what would you like me to cook for you? she asked in the sweetest tone a week before New Years Eve. Youre coming to mine for the celebrations, arent you?
But its me and Daisy. Wont it be hard for you looking after little ones?
Oh, dont be silly! Shes a proper little lady now, easy as pie. Ive already bought her a big doll for Christmas. Well decorate the tree together, Ill make that jellied beef Tom loves.
Once, Emily would have been thrilledready to plan the menu together, basking in her mothers renewed affection. Now, though, it all felt muted. No anger, no painjust something icy and numb.
Mum, were not coming.
What do you mean? her mother demanded. Where else are you going, then? Sitting at home?
Were spending it at Barbaras. Were celebrating with her.
At Barbaras? So youd rather go to some other womans house, and let your mother be all alone on New Years?
Mum please dont be upset, but Barbara was here when Daisy screamed herself hoarse for weeks on end. When I was losing my mind. She loved us even when we were difficult, and you well, you told me I did this for myself. So I get to decide who my daughter spends the New Year with.
Silence, for a few seconds.
So, what, youre sulking? This is payback? Shame on you! Im old, Im not well I raised you, sleepless nights and all, and now this?
No, Mum, its not revenge. Im just choosing whats best for me. And by the wayI learned that from you.
Her mother continued to wail, but Emily cut the call short, saying she had to go. No desire at all to listen to a lecture on being ungrateful.
Emily sighed, set her phone aside, and slipped into the bedroom. On the carpet, amid scattered building bricks, Tom sat laughing with Daisy as they constructed a lopsided tower. Daisy squealed with laughter, toppling it with a swipe. Emily leaned in the doorframe and smiled.
There was sadnessa gentle, cleansing sort. Like when you clear old teddy bears from the house to make space for something new.
Emily wasnt about to cut her mother off entirely. She just stopped betraying herselfstopped running at the first call for those who only appear when the skies are clear, and started holding close those whod always kept an umbrella above her head in the fiercest storm.
