My husband sat watching the football match on the telly while I wept quietly on his friend’s shoulder
Colin set down his cup on the saucer and glanced over at Alice. She was sitting opposite, both hands around her mug, the tea within now barely warm, red rings around her eyes.
You simply cant speak to Martin these days, he murmured, as though afraid someone might catch their confidences. Hes tinkering away in the shed all day and then glues himself to the telly all night. Its like I don’t exist.
Alice looked up.
And Sarah? She doesnt hear you at all. Martin its as though hes fading away.
That was how it began. In The Kings Arms, their old haunt, at a table under the window where afternoon sun striped the crisp white linen. Just another autumn afternoonbut everything changed.
***
They met by chance. Colin was walking back from the chemist, clutching a bag of tablets for Sarah. Shed been complaining of her blood pressure lately, but whenever he tried to ask her how she was, shed wave him offDont fuss. Ill deal with it. She always dealt with it, alone. As if he were a lodger, not a husband. Always getting in the way.
On a bench by the green sat Alice. Her shoulders were shaking. Colin paused, it took a moment to recognise her. Twenty-five years the two couples had been friends, but in recent years, seldom met up. Martin and Sarah had become strained, distant, and their little gatherings faded out.
Alice?
She lifted her facered-eyed, defenceless.
Colin sorry, Im just sitting here.
Whats wrong?
She shook her head, tried to force a smile. Nothing special. Just life. Heartaches, thats all.
He sat beside her and quietly offered her a handkerchief. Alice dabbed her eyes.
Come on, he suggested, lets go for some tea. Lord knows, we could both do with it.
The Kings Arms was a place theyd often visited as a foursome. Birthdays, anniversaries, long talks, even longer laughter. Plans for summers at the allotments near the river, where both families had side-by-side garden plots. Back then, Colin felt happy. He had a steady jobhardly glamorous, but dependable. Sarah would meet him each evening, asking about his day. Martin would call in the evenings; the two men could talk for hours.
Then everything changed. Colin hit retirement a year prior. Fifty-eight, and suddenly the world felt as though it didnt need him. Sarah stayed on as an accountant, came home later and later, tired and irritable. Any attempt at conversation was met with Oh, leave off. Im tired. Martin also retired, not long before Colin, and seemed to submerge himself in gloom. He stopped calling, barely answered the phone.
You know, Colin said, stirring sugar into his coffee, these days I feel like a ghost. Wake upIm alone. Sarahs already out. The whole day I potter about, or sit in the kitchen, waiting. When shes backshe wants nothing to do with me. Its like Im redundant.
Alice nodded.
Martin doesnt talk to me at all. Just whats for tea or dont touch my tools. I tried to chat about the grandchildren, maybe suggest a trip away. He looks at me like Im wallpaper. Blank. Then disappears to the shed, or to sit in front of the telly. It feels like Im not a wife, just another piece of the furniture.
Colin felt a tightening in his throat. Those were his very words, his pain.
I always thought it was just me, he admitted. Maybe Im boring, old hat.
No, Alices gaze was sorrowful enough to ache. Its not you. Maybe its what midlife does to a man. Or maybe its just people wearing thin with each other.
But we used to be friends! Colin burst out. Remember the times on the allotment? Martin by the barbecue, you and Sarah slicing salads the laughter, the plans for the summer.
I remember, Alice whispered. That was long ago. Everythings different now. People change.
They stayed in the pub til nightfall, talking about everythingchildren grown up and gone, jobs vanished, the creeping dread of old age, the sense that the future held only illness and loneliness. Everything Alice said, Colin felt in his bones.
Outside, as they parted, he said, Perhaps we should ring each other, if it gets too much.
She nodded. Yes. Lets.
***
The meetings grew regular. Initially, there was a bit of help with the computer for AliceColin knew his way around better, got her the right forms online. Then she rang him, needing a lift to hospitalMartins busy, and I need to see the doctor. He went, waited for her, and they ended up, once again, over coffee together.
You know, Alice sipped at her mug, today I asked Martin if hed walk in the park with mebeautiful day, fresh air. He said, Go on then. Im busy. Always busy. Busy for me, for chat, for life.
Sarah told me yesterday I was getting under her feet, Colin replied, bitterly amused. Said I should find myself a hobby. Apparently she doesnt want me hanging about the house.
Hobby Alice shook her head. As if its so easy to find oneself after fifty. Worked hard all my life, raised a family, and nowsuddenly youre free. And whats one meant to do with that?
I dont know, Colin confessed. Tried readingcant get into it. The telly makes me sick. Walks are boring alone. Friends even Martins pulled away. And so, youre the only soul I can really talk to.
Alices look lingered.
Me too. Its easy with you. You listen. Martin hasnt done that in years.
Their calls became weekly, then more frequent. On the days Sarah cut him off, or didnt see him at all, Colin would ring Alice. Her voice was always warm, always willing. She never said Leave it. She said, Tell me. Im listening.
Once, Alice called late at night, her voice trembling.
Im sorry to bother you, Colin. But I cant bear it anymore. Martin didnt even look at me today. I baked his favourite apple tart, spent all day on it. He ate a slice, not a word, just went off again. I just sat alone, crying. Like a fool.
Youre not a fool, Colin said firmly. Youre just someone who needs a little attentiona human need, really. Understanding in a marriage. And yet, were not granted even that.
Its so lonely, being married, Alice whispered. Hows that possible? After twenty years, to feel utterly alone?
He replied, I know. I feel the same.
***
Their meetings turned into something more than just talk. Colin fixed her leaky kitchen tapMartin had promised for a month, but never got round to it. Sarah didnt even notice. When Colin told her, she just nodded, distractedGood.and continued with dinner.
Alice, on the other hand, baked his favourite apple tart. With cinnamon, the way hed loved it as a boy. Sarah hadnt baked in yearsNo time, and no point, youve put on enough weight as it is. Colin had two slicesfelt happy for the first time in months.
Thank you, he said. You have no idea how much it meansto feel needed.
Alice smiled. I need you, Colin. Youre my lifeline.
His hand covered hers. She did not pull away.
Bit by bit, a closeness grew between thema closeness neither had shared with their spouses in years. Theyd laugh together, reminisce, swap old stories. Alice spoke of meeting Martin, how hed wooed her. Colin remembered Sarah at twentyso lively, so in love. Where had it all gone?
Maybe were to blame, Alice mused. Maybe we allowed ourselves to drift.
Perhaps, admitted Colin. I triedI truly did. Tried to talk, to arrange time together, do things. But Sarahshe didnt hear me. A man not understood by his wifeits meant to be an old cliché, but here I am, feeling it.
Alice nodded.
Ive tried as well. Suggested getting professional helpMartin looked at me like I was barking. A counsellor? What, are you mad? But Im not well. I just need to be heard.
I hear you, Colin said.
She leaned against his shoulder. He held her, and in this embrace, there was nothing sordidonly the desperate yearning for warmth and understanding.
***
The guilt crept in slowly. One day, they ran into an old neighbour, Mrs. Thompson from the allotments. She saw them together, shopping.
Oh, Colin, Alice! Out for groceries together?
Colin flinched. Alice answered lightly, Just bumped into each other! Colins helping me carry my shopping.
Mrs. Thompson nodded, a flicker of curiosity, perhaps suspicion, in her eyes.
Once shed left, Alice murmured, We lied.
Yes, the heaviness was in Colins chest. We did.
Why did we? Weve done nothing wrong, Alice wondered.
Nothing, Colin agreed, but his voice betrayed him.
Back home, Sarah asked unexpectedly, Where were you today?
Out at the shops, he replied.
Took you a while.
There was a queue.
A liethe first true, deliberate lie. It left him nauseous.
Worse was seeing Martin on the allotment. He was hunched over the raised beds, sullen. Colin approached.
Alright, mate.
Alright, Martin muttered.
Hows things?
Fine.
Not seen you in ages. Shall we sit a bit? Catch up?
Martin straightened up, gazed at him with exhausted eyes.
Whats there to say? Lifes done. No job. Kids are grown. Sit and wait for the end, thats all.
But Martin, weve been mates since we were lads. Cant we talk about how to save a marriage, how to keep going?
Marriage? Martin gave a hollow laugh. Its alright. Alices not whingeing. Were alright.
Alright. No friendship left, no love, no understanding. Just two people drifting together out of habit.
Colin left, heavy-hearted. That evening, he called Alice.
I saw Martin.
How was he?
As usual. Empty.
Alice sighed.
Sarah came by today, brought me a magazine. We shared tea. She talked all about work, her colleaguesshe didnt notice at all that youre miserable. Not at all.
Martin doesnt care that youre hurting either, Colin added.
Does that mean were betraying them? Alice asked quietly.
Were looking for what they cant give, said Colin. Is that a kind of affair?
There was a long silence.
Perhaps, Alice said at last. But I cant do without you. Youre the only one who understands.
And you for me. Only you.
***
November brought the crossing of a linegrey, damp, miserable. Alice quarrelled with Martin. Not just a quarrelhe yelled, for the first time ever, over nothingshed asked him to help with the bins. Nasty things were said, uncalled for. Alice, in tears, rang Colin.
Please, come. I feel dreadful.
He went. Martin was gone to the shed. Alice sat at the kitchen table, broken, lost.
He said he was tired of me nagging. That I get on his nerves. That hes had enough of me.
Colin took her in his arms.
Hes wrong. Youre not at fault.
Im so afraid, Colin. My lifes slipping by, and Im not needed. Im alone, though married.
You are needed, Colin whispered. I need you. I truly do.
Her eyes brimmed with tears and wild dismay. He kissed her. She responded. What followed was not lust or passion, but a desperate need to be close, feel warmth, escape loneliness.
Afterwards, silence. A terrible weight.
Weve betrayed them, Alice whispered.
Yes. We have.
What now?
I dont know.
They got dressed, sat in the kitchen, wordlessly. Friendship and betrayal, tangled too tight to ever undo.
We cant go on, Alice said. Its wrong.
Yes, said Colin. Its wrong.
But when he left, she whispered, Ring me. Please.
And he knew that he would.
***
The next weeks were torment. Colin couldnt meet Sarahs eyes. Not that she noticedher life rolled on: work, chores, perfunctory talk. To Colin, every word, every glance, an unspoken accusation.
Martin was worse stilla friend of a lifetime. School together, service together, married within months of each other, children growing up together, their allotments side by side. Twenty-five years of intertwined friendship. Now, destroyed. An affair with his friends wifewhat could be lower?
Colin tried to stay away from Alice. Days went by without calling. But she rang.
I feel terrible. Martins disappeared, wouldnt even say where hes gone. Im going mad here on my own.
He drove over. And it happened againcloseness, then guilt.
We cant stop, Alice cried. Why cant we stop?
Because we have no one else, Colin answered. Because youre the only one who makes me feel alive.
But its not right!
I know.
They swung between guilt and need, despair and relief. Every meeting seemed the lastyet theyd meet again.
***
In late November, Martin rang.
Colin, fancy a spot of fishing? Like the old days.
Colin couldnt refuse. They sat by the riverside, lines in hand, mostly silent. Martin, sullen as ever, suddenly spoke up.
Look, mate, I think Ive neglected Alice. Shes not herself these days. Maybe have a word with her, will you? She listens to you. Youre like a brother to her. Closer than I am, perhaps. Shes round at yours often enough, baking pies. Youve got patience. Kindness. Talk to her. See if anythings up.
Colin felt ice shoot through him.
Like a brother?
Yes. Weve been friends so long. She probably sees more of you than me.
He could only nod. Inside, everything was falling apart. Martin, who trusted him, who asked for helpMartin, whom Colin had betrayed beyond forgiveness.
That night, he rang Alice.
We need to talk. Properly. Face to face.
I know, she said.
***
They met at The Kings Arms. Same table, but now outside, the lamplight flickered against the darkening afternoon. Snow began to drift.
Colin couldnt look at Alice. She looked pale and drawn.
Martin asked me to talk to you, he said at last. Said youd changed. Hes worried.
Alice put her face in her hands.
Oh God what have we done? Weve betrayed them both. Weve betrayed our own friendship.
We were seeking rescue, said Colin, his voice breaking. And found a greater chasm.
What now? Alices red-rimmed eyes fixed on him. Do we tell them? Or vanish from each others lives? Keep this secret forever?
I honestly dont know. All I know is, without these talks, Ill just go back to suffocating.
She reached her hand across the table. He took it.
Weve destroyed it all, Alice whispered. A quarter-century of friendship. Our families. And for what?
So as not to lose our minds to loneliness, Colin said. To feel alive, just to know someones listening.
But the cost
Its too high, he agreed. And silence hurts. But the truth would smash everything beyond repair.
They sat, hands locked, knowing themselves trapped. Confession would bring disaster to all; silence would chain them to guilt and secrecy.
I love Martin, Alice said softly. Somehow, I still do. He just doesnt see me. But youdid.
And I love Sarah. But she stopped needing me. You let me feel needed again.
Are we bad people?
I dont know. Maybe just weak. Afraid. Lonely.
Alice wiped her tears.
Whatever we chooseitll hurt them all.
It will, Colin agreed.
They fell silent. The lamplight flickered. The waitress approached and asked if theyd like more tea; they declined.
If we stop seeing each other, Alice said, Ill be alone again. In the house, with Martin, who sees through me. And I wont cope.
If we go on, Colin continued, its betrayal every day. And someday, itll be found out. Then well lose everything.
And if we just tell the truth?
Then we lose everything, all at once.
Alices grip tightened on his hand.
I cant bear to lose you. But I cant smash what Ive built for decades, either.
I dont want that, either. Theres no choice which spares us pain.
They stayed a while, talking it through, remembering how it beganhow they never planned for any of it, only wanted understanding, to be heard.
Perhaps, if wed both tried harder with our partners, earlier
Maybe. Or maybe theyre to blame too. They stopped listening, caring, seeing us
But that doesnt absolve us.
No, it doesnt.
As they left, Colin held the door.
Will you ring me? she asked on the threshold.
He nodded.
I will.
And I knew youd say that, she whispered.
And youll answer?
Yes.
Standing under the snow, two desperate souls clung to each other in a world of sorrow. Every choice would hurt. But at least, for now, they could hold on to one anotherthat was all that remained. A brief, fragile romance, born out of longing for connection, had become their prison. Now came the long yearsliving with guilt, impossible choices, balancing survival and loyalty to those theyd spent most their lives with.
Alice stepped closer.
Colin, what if we tried to talk to them? A real talk. Tell them what its like to be so lonelynot about us, but about ourselves. Maybe theyll listen.
Colin shook his head.
Ive tried, again and again. Sarah doesnt want to hear it. She likes things as they are. Why change anything?
Same with Martin, Alice sighed. Last time I tried to say how alone I feel, he said, Are you mad? Lonely? Im right here. But its not his presenceits soul he withholds.
So, no hope in talking, Colin concluded.
Just the three hells, Alice tried to laughOne, tell the truth and destroy everything. Two, keep meeting and live with guilt. Three, finish it and return to loneliness.
Colin hugged her, right there. Let someone see. He didnt care.
I cant decide, he whispered. I dont know how else to go on.
Nor do I.
They stood for a long moment, then drifted back to their homeseach to their spouse, each to their half of a broken friendship.
***
Sarah was out. A note on the counter: Working late, dinners in the oven. Colin sat in the kitchen, lights off, staring at the dark.
If only, long ago, hed refused to let things slide. If only hed insisted that Sarah listen. Told her simply: Im not happy. I need you. Not just your presence, but youyour attention, your love. But hed said nothing, endured, hoped itd sort itself. This was the result.
His phone buzzed. Alice: Martins asleep on the sofa, didnt ask where Id been. He doesnt care.
Colin replied: Sarahs working late. As ever.
Like were two ghosts haunting other peoples lives, she wrote.
Yes, he texted.
He took a long time over the next message, deleting, rewriting. Finally, sent: I dont want to lose you. But I cant bear the guilt. What can we do?
The reply came after a pause: I dont know. Maybe time will tell. Maybe well find a way. For now, lets just stay close. In any way we can.
Colin knew thenthis was their decision, unspoken, imperfect, but real. Theyd stay therebetween love and guilt, marriages and secrecy. Talking, meeting, comforting one another. Until something broke for good.
***
December came, the cold biting. They met less, tried to stay apart, but hearing each others voice remained as important as breathing.
Sarah grew suspicious of Colins time on his mobile.
Facebook addict now, are you? At your age?
Just reading the news, he lied.
She shrugged. Nothing about him interested her anymore.
Martin became a little more attentive to Alice, perhaps sensing something. He even helped her bring in the shopping once, asked after her now and then.
See? Alice told Colin, he notices me now only Ive withdrawn. But its too late. I cant just snap back.
People only value things theyre losing, Colin said.
But Im done trying.
So am I.
A silence between them on the phone.
Colin, Alice said suddenly, what if what if we just up and left? Start afresh, together?
The thought had crossed his mind. But they both knew what it meantshredded lives, wounded children and grandchildren, neighbours stares, old friendship lost forever.
Its impossible, he said quietly. Were too old to start again, not with that weight behind us.
Then we just carry onenduring, hiding.
Or try, one last time, to put things right with our partners.
Do you really believe thats possible?
He thought. Did he? No. Not really. Sarah would not change, nor would Martin. People, at their age, seldom change.
No, he admitted. I dont.
Nor do I, Alice sniffed. So were doomedto guilt and lies or to loneliness. Thats all.
Perhaps thats our punishment, Colin said eventually, for not fighting harder for our marriages, for choosing the easier comfort with each other.
Do you think were to blame?
All four of us. But that doesnt make us right.
***
New Years Eve was always celebrated together at the allotments. Sarah had arranged everything; Martin was even looking forward to it for once.
How will we sit at the same table? Alice worried. How can I face Sarah?
How can I look Martin in the eye? Colin wondered.
But refusing was not an option. Sarah had planned every course; Martin was actually amenableFeels like old times, what?
Old timeswhen everything was simple and honest.
So, on that cold night, both families gathered at Martin and Alices. Sarah brought salads, Alice did the roast. Martin poured the wine, Colin did his best to smile.
It was excruciating at first. They avoided each others gaze. But alcohol loosened thingsold memories surfaced. They talked about holidays in Cornwall, raising children, building those very allotments.
Remember, Colin, Martin roared, that time we did the roof and you nearly tumbled off? Saved you, didnt I?
Aye, mateyou kept me safe, Colin said with a shaky smile.
Martin clapped him on the shoulder. Were mates, see. Mates always look after each other.
Colin felt sick. Mate? Martin had no idea.
Alice sat quietly, fiddling with her napkin.
Alice looked poorly, and Sarah noticed. You alright, love? Coming down with something?
No, just tiredbeen cooking all day.
Get some rest, Sarah advised. Colins been distracted too, lately. Maybe its the age.
Martin agreed. Retirements tough on a mannothing to fill the day.
Sarah nodded: Theyd be better off with a hobby, or a little job.
They talked about the men as if they were absent children. And again, that sense of a chasm between him and Sarah.
After midnight, Martin suggested a toast. Heres to friendship and old mates!
Colins and Alices eyes met. He saw her pain.
Later, while Sarah and Martin gossiped in the kitchen, Alice and Colin stepped outside, looking at the frost stars.
I cant keep doing this, Alice said. Pretending, sitting side by side like its normal.
I know. But we chose to keep it quiet.
Perhaps that was a mistake. Maybe we should have been honest.
And what wouldve changed? At least now, we have this one last New Year. Otherwise wed all be sitting alone in the ruins.
Alice leant against him.
I dont regret knowing you, or that you saw me. But Im so sad it ended like this.
So am I, Colin said, and hugged her.
After a while, Sarah called them back inside.
Time passedthe bitterness hardened. Meetings became rare. Speaking on the phone, shorter. Both sensing that if they didnt draw a line soon, everything would fall apart.
Lets try, Alice suggested on their last call. Lets try to fix things with our partners. Properly.
And if it fails?
At least well know we tried.
Colin agreed. That night, he stopped Sarah before she vanished to the kitchen.
Sarah, I need to talk.
She eyed him warily.
Whats wrong?
Im unhappy, he began. Been unhappy for ages. I feel invisible. I need more than thismore than just sharing a house. I need you.
Sarah bristled.
For heavens sake, Colin, were fine. Why do you need drama at this age?
He tried to continue. I want your time. Your interest. Not just chores or bland conversation. I want us.
She sighed. Alright. Ill try to pay more attention. But I cant be someone Im not.
As she left for the kitchen, Colin knew nothing would change. The words landed; she didnt listen.
Alice tried with Martin. He grunted, Whats with you lately? Weve got everything, stop moaning.
I want youyour spirit, the old you, not this ghost.
Martin just shrugged. Im tired. Leave me alone.
***
Colin rang Alice the next day.
No good.
Nor for me, Alice replied. They dont want to change, or cant.
What now?
A long pause.
I dont know, Colin. Truly.
Their last meeting was at The Kings Arms, same window seat, cold tea between them.
We have to stop, Alice said. It isnt right.
No, Colin agreed. It isnt.
But how do I live without you? Youre the only one who sees me.
And you, the only one for me. But if we go on, itll all come outchildren, Martin, Sarah. Thered be nothing left.
Alice nodded.
So this is goodbye?
I think so.
They sat quietly before Colin reached across the table.
Thank you. For being there. For hearing me.
And you. You saved me from despair, for a little while.
They walked outsidesnow fell thick. He walked her to the bus stop; at the last moment, they embraced.
If it ever gets too much Colin began.
No, Alice shook her head. Thatll only make it worse. Lets just let go.
She boarded the bus. He watched it disappear down the snowy road and felt, once again, the emptiness hed tried so long to outrun.
At home, Sarah was at the cooker.
Whereve you been?
Walking.
In this weather? Youll catch your death.
Nothing more.
Colin sat at the kitchen window, phone silent on the table. Alice did not call. He did not call her. They had promised.
But inside, it still hurt. Because the loneliness in his marriage was unchanged. Sarah remained as before. Martin too. The only difference was this: he and Alice now carried the weight of loss and guilt.
There was no right choice, only the least damaging. They had chosen to preserve the appearance, at the cost of the only thing that had made them feel alive.
Colin closed his eyes. And for the first time in months, he let himself weep.
