Gray hair in the beard. A life story
Fedya, Fedya? Hows work going? Everything alright?
All good. Same as always.
Fedya, Fedya, lets go have dinner! Ive made the dumplings you love. Come on, lets go.
Im not hungry.
Fedya, Fedya, whats this? I was waiting for you for dinner, wouldnt sit without you.
Listen, Tanya, whats with you? You cling to me like a vine! Im fed up, Ive no strength left. Can a little kid like you even eat without me? Youll just whisper past my mouth?
Fedya, Fedya, stop swearing, okay?
Fedya, Fed! Ugh, Im sick of listening! Arent you tired, Tanya? Why are you crawling all over me? Dont you know anything? Your constant caring is suffocating me. Im choking, soon therell be no air left. Youre smothering, your worry is enough, Tanya, Im exhausted. I cant live like this. This is your Fedya, Fedya! Ive told you a hundred times I hear you, theres no need to repeat it!
Fedya, Fed. Take a break, have a drink, itll help. You need rest, youre worn out. Tanya stared at the man, pulling the edge of his apron.
You fool, youre pretending? And youve even stitched this apron! I have another one, you know, another! I love her, I breathe for her alone! Im leaving you, Tanya.
Leaving? Have you thought it through? Dont think Im soft, theres no way back. You know me. If you gogo, but know I wont take you back. And are you useful to anyone else? Do you think its easy for me to sit at a table with you, knowing you have someone else? Think, Fedya, is your love strong enough to destroy a family in an instant?
I wont come back, dont count on it.
Fedko, without taking off his boots, walked to the bedroom. Dirty footprints from his men’s boots marked the clean, handwoven floor. He fetched his backpack and began packing his few belongings. Scanning the room, Fedir, without looking at Tetyana, stepped out onto the yard. As he trudged from one end of the village to the other, thoughts swirled in his mind.
Why was he doing this? Was it right to leave his wife after more than twenty years together, a decent son serving in the army who now lived far away, spoken to only on the phone? He wondered how his son would react to the divorcehe wasnt a child anymore, he should understand. Everything in Fedir had burned out; there was no respect left for his wife. Thats why she kept shouting Fedya, Fedya! She knew everything but stayed silent, staring into his eyes. Another woman would have broken his face long ago, but this one only watched with silent reproach. How could he respect a woman who had no respect for herself? She was an oldfashioned relic, already past her prime. Once a normal lady, now she dreamed of a kitchen with wooden beams, an oldworld feel, a samovar, and handwoven runners. Foolish as she was, she collected halfrugs from across the village, wrecked the kitchen floor to recover it with wood.
Stella was a completely different story. Even her name said it alla woman with an iron grip, still young, a little older than their son. She could have become a daughterinlaw, but instead she became a new wife, making Fedir feel young again, teaching him to breathe anew. No more pies, borscht, or halfrugs with samovars. She spoke differently than Tanya. Her oldworld was gone; she lived in the present, with bright, colorful cabinets, fashionable clothes, a figure unlike Tanyas. She let herself go, becoming soft and sprawling, a natural barge drifting toward Fedirs mouth, trying to please him. He was proud to have left; the step had been overdue. Everything would be different now.
***
Tetyana sat in the middle of the kitchen, staring at the dirty, ugly stains on the halfrugs, silently weeping. He still didnt understand! He didnt grasp the purpose of all that oldworld charmhalfrugs, samovar. She had hoped, fool! Those stains seemed to pierce her heart with a filthy knife.
She rose from the floor, furious, and began pulling the dirty rugs off the ground. Who needed them? He remembered nothing, nothing sacred remained in him! She was a piglet, he recalled her as a child, a little older than their son, Stella. She had returned to the village fashionable, young, beautiful, and somehow slipped into a collective farm office. She quickly got a jobshe was a specialist, and the young needed a path. In two years she became senior economist. The farm head fell for her, they often slipped away together, but she never left her family; she simply enjoyed a young womans company while wrecking another household. Fedko was like a calfshe lured him, and he left. Did she even need him? A vets salary wasnt much. Anyway, he made his choice; there was no road back.
***
Tanya recalled the year they married Fedir. Young, passionate, they had nothing to complain about. No money? No problemthey had a whole cellar of potatoes. In the evenings they lit a fire outside, huddled together, tossed the burning coals onto the potatoes, ate them with skins, faces blackened but happy. They were placed in a tiny house where a lonely grandmother had lived. The children took the grandmother away, and the house became a kolkhoz property. In that house Tetyana found true wealth: handwoven halfrugs, brandnew ones stored in the attic, a samovar, all the furniture left behind. She cleaned the house, washed the rugs in the outdoor tub, took them with Fedko to the river to rinse. She made the home cozy, the rugs sparkling clean. When they returned from work, they drank tea from the samovar.
She also dreamed of a big, spacious house, a kitchen under a wooden beam, halfrugs, a samovar, carved antique cabinets. She imagined growing old together, sitting in that kitchen, recalling their youthful days.
When Tetyana learned Fedya had run off, she convinced herself that if she rebuilt a wooden kitchen with runners and a samovar, everything would return to how it once was, and Fedya would come back, forgetting the other woman. But neither kitchen nor halfrugs brought back the shaken happiness. Fedir saw nothing around him but his love. As they say, gray hair in the beard is a devils rib. The whole village marveled at Tanyas endurance. One must know how to endure adventures, keep silent, pretend all is fine. Fedir was good too! She was enough for his daughters, but love was just a notion!
***
Tetyana never showed that she was bored or unhappy alone in the house they had built with such care and taste. She couldnt even step into her dream kitchen. By day at work she pretended everything was fine, even greeting Fedir as if nothing had changed after all those years together. At first Fedko tried not to meet his wifes eyes, expecting little from her, then he calmed down. Everyone goes through it. It just isnt the same now.
Fedir kept pulling, resisted divorce as if unsure of his choice. He slumped, shoulders down, when Tetyana handed him a divorce petition at work. He stared at her with jealousy. She had already filed. He thought she would weep, suffer, but she seemed fresh and fragrant. What was going on in Tanyas mind? Maybe shed already found another man, but probably not. The whole village would talk if they knew.
***
Tanya, Im here. We built this house together, its ours, yet you live in it alone like a queen while we huddle in a small room.
Are you asking for an apartment? It wont look good if the three of us live here together.
Dont twist it, Tanya, its not your style. Youre soft, kind. Why are you doing this?
What, Fed? Say you came here?
We need to split the house. Its not a joke, its a mess.
How will we divide it? With a saw or an axe? Lengthwise or across?
Youll see. Stella and I thought we should sell the house.
You decided to sell what you built with your own hands to strangers in an instant?
I have buyers lined up.
No. I wont sell my home to strangers.
Itll happen anyway. If you dont agree peacefully, Ill go to court
No need for court. Buy my share from me.
Are you serious, Tanya? Where will you go?
Whats it to you? Selling to strangersdont worry where Ill end up. Dont take it personally.
I dont have that much money. I need to think.
***
Tanya watched the village recede through the bus window. Now she was heading toward the district center, then closer to her son. Vadik was already looking at suburban housing options, and without a job Tanya would never stayshe was a vet, experienced, and her hands would be in demand. Leaving half a life behind was sad, heading into the unknown, but better than listening to false sympathy and watching her ex with his almostwife. Theyre getting married in the fall; he made his choice.
Does she regret the house she poured so much care into over the years? No. It never brought her happiness. All thathouse, furniturewas material. Let Fedko live there, not some stranger.
***
Fedko stared thoughtfully at the bright, multicolored cabinets, fakeflower vases, fluffy chair throws, a vivid rug, a glasstop table with a nonsensical pattern. Is this a kitchen? he wondered, how could he sit and eat after work when these garish shades irritated his already shaky nerves?
He mourned the cozy wooden kitchen with a samovar, the handwoven runners, Tanya busy at the stove trying to please him, and thought how foolish he had been! How could he exchange a beloved, shy, good, perfect wife and mother for all this flash? An empty shell behind a colorful façade. He lunged at the cabinet, flung open door after doornothing. No grain reserves, only instant noodle packets, fiveminute porridge, colorful tea boxes. Void everywherehome, heart, soul. Stella watched him with her huge, brightly painted eyes.
He stepped onto the porch, sat on a step, clasped his head. Fool. Fool. Fool. What a fool he was, tearing away the best part of his life in a single moment. Nothing would be as it was. No more good days. He remembered how happy he felt when he found the money to buy a house, how he celebrated when Tetyana signed the contract, how they and Stella demolished the kitchen, breaking neat beams, dumping construction waste into a huge pile in the yard, right where Tanya had once tended a garden. Stella grotesquely tossed the halfrugs into that pile, and Tanya walked by, indifferent.
She fell ill and left. Not aloneshe took something essential, something lifesaving for Fedir. She carried away peace, comfort, and faith in a happy future. Nothing will be as before. Fedir shattered everything with his own hands, leaving only emptinesslike dirty footprints on clean halfrugs.
