Did you know your husband has a mistress?
Oh really? Did you know hes got a wife? I replied with a sly grin.
What? No, you dont understand! said the voice on the other end, sounding flustered. Its not me!
Well, its not me either.
Then who is it? she asked, bewildered.
The horse in the tweed jacket, I said, deliberately muddling it, and hung up.
I didnt actually have a husband, just a foul mood and little to do, so why not have a bit of banter?
The phone rang again a couple of hours later.
Yes, I know about the mistress, I assisted the voice, carving up a chicken drumstick.
How do you know? She still sounded thrown off.
Youre quite indecisive for a mistress, I chided, dolloping ketchup and mayonnaise together.
What are you doing? The girls confusion grew at the other end.
Having a drumstick.
Whose?
The last mistresss.
She hung up herself.
Munching contentedly, I finished off the drumstick and a wing, washed down with blackcurrant tea.
This time the mistress waited less, just enough for me to finish my tea.
You lied to me, she accused, her tone wounded.
Well, hello again, mistress.
Why arent you crying? she asked after a pause.
And why should I cry?
A normal wife would be in tears! she objected.
Im not the normal wife. When the old mans off the cart, its lighter for the woman.
Its usually the woman off the cart she mumbled.
Maybe youre the woman. Im a lady, I chuckled, throwing her off balance.
So, are you letting him go? she asked, her voice back uncertain.
Was I holding him?
I dont know
Neither do I.
Look, stop messing me about! she snapped. So, are you letting him go or not?
Take him, please. I made an expansive gesture. Plus William, Wendy, Winifred, and Walter.
Who are they? she blurted, completely lost.
Two children, a parrot, and a cat. Have a guess which ones the cat, I struggled not to burst out laughing.
Why are all the names starting with W? she nervously ventured, trying to digest it.
Would you rather they started with A? I couldnt resist a jab.
Its still odd.
Nothing odd, my husband chose them. Said that in our house, everything would start with W.
But your names Natalie! she objected.
Thats right, I grinned, though my real names Alice. But do you know what he used to call me? I tantalised her.
How? she asked, breathless with curiosity.
I mentally flipped through names beginning with W and triumphantly blurted: Wilhelmina!
And I was little crow, she admitted, suddenly bashful.
I couldnt contain it and burst out laughing, all my bad mood evaporating.
I felt grateful not to be married, not forced to take these absurd conversations seriously.
Around midnight the mistress called again.
You know, she announced rather boldly, if youre such an odd wife, you can just keep your odd husband. Youre a perfect match! she declared, then hung up.
A bit later, I saw shed blocked my number.
So, on a random Saturday evening, I mightve saved someones marriage by sheer accident. I hope the wife appreciates it.
