Alex ended up an orphan while his mother was still alive. He hardly knew anything about his fatherwhether he was alive or not. His mother never spoke of him. In fact, shed start screaming whenever Alex, as a little boy just home from nursery, asked,
Mum, do I have a dad?
Shed yell, and then cry.
Alex never understoodwas there a dad, or wasnt there?
Eventually, he just stopped asking. What was the point? Besides, it was getting scary. Around age five, his mother hit him for the first time after he asked. Not properly, but it hurt enough.
He walked around for a week with a bluish-green bruise on his cheek, boasting to everyone hed fought Billy, the toughest lad in their estate. Of course, no one in his nursery group believed him. Billy was miles olderalready in Year Three and carting a backpack to school. Alex was a little mite, still in the reception class at nursery. Billy could swat him away with a single hand. But, even though everyone doubted Alexs heroic tale, something changed. He gained a bit of respect.
Not that it helped much. His mother lost her temper more and more, raising her hand at him with increasing frequency. Mrs. Margaret Evans, the nursery supervisor, began to question Alex closely: who did he fight with, and whether any grown-ups mistreated him. Alex kept silent, almost proud, refusing to give up his mum. He just couldnt believeno matter whatthat his mother actually hurt him.
Then his mother started drinking. She forgot to pick him up from nursery several times, and Mrs. Evans stopped asking and instead rang child services. She told Alexs mother theyd take her son away if she didnt stop drinking and hitting him. That day, his mother wasnt especially drunk, but she was furious. She swore at Mrs. Evans in front of the children, assistants, and parents, then hit Alex so hard he tumbled out of the changing room onto the corridor floor.
What are you hanging about for, listening to people yelling at your mum? she snarled, narrowing her eyes in anger. Alex knew he was in for another beating, Get dressed and get outside!
Alex never returned to nursery again. The next morning, his mother packed his clothes in a bag and they travelled out to his grandmother’s house in the countryside.
To visit, she told him.
Alex was glad at first. Granny seemed kind, and whenever she visited, there was always foodsometimes even pies and Chelsea buns. That was rare at home. Maybe it had happened once, but Alex couldnt recall.
But when his mum shoved the bag at Granny, muttering, Take your little mongrel, and pushed Alex forward before slamming the gate behind her, he realised hed been discardedlike an unwanted thing.
Terrified, Alex stared at Granny, who stood silently, studying him. He didn’t know what to say or do. Should he run after his mother, or smile at his grandmother?
Granny stooped, grabbed the bag, and said,
Come along.
Obedient, Alex trailed her inside, took off his boots in the porch, carefully lining them up beside Grannys. He stared at his feet and the toe sticking out of a hole in his striped socks.
No slippers for you, Granny said flatly.
Im used to going barefoot, he whispered as softly as he could.
Are you hungry?
Yes, he murmured, fighting back tears.
Good, Granny observed as he discreetly wiped his eye and sniffed quietly. Men dont cry.
She carried his bag into a small room. It had an iron bed with funny metal knobs and cheerful striped rugs.
Your room, she set the bag on a chair. Put your clothes in the dresser and go wash your hands. Breakfast soon.
She stepped out, leaving Alex standing in the middle of the room. He didnt know what a dresser was, or where he should put his clothes.
Are you coming? Granny called.
Yes, he croaked, dropping the bag to the floor and stacking his clothes on the chair.
Not much, Granny peered in. Thats the dresser, she tapped the dark polished bit of furniture with drawers. Youll sort it later. Well check tonight what youve got, and what needs buying.
A month passed and Alex realised that living with Granny was much better than with his mum. There was always food. Granny was strict, but not mean. She didnt hit him and rarely scolded. When her pension came, theyd head to the village shop and shed buy him sweets, sometimes a little toy tank or another plaything.
He never saw his mum again. After three years, Granny went off to town for two days and left Alex with their neighbour, Mrs. Jones. When she came back, she wore a black scarf and said,
Well, now you truly are an orphan. No mum, no dad.
So Dad existed after all? Alex asked, gloomy.
Of course you didnt spring from nowhere, Granny gave a sad smile. Youre living in his room.
Where did he go, then? Did he also throw everyone awayfirst Mum, then me, then you?
Enough, Granny interrupted, and walked away without another word.
From then on, Alex became restless. He kept pressing her: Who was Dad? Why didnt he live with him? Why did Mum leave him at Grannys and say, take your? He wanted to repeat that word, but couldnt. He raged, he cried, he shouted.
Pack your bits, Ill send you to boarding school! Granny snapped, slamming her hand on the table. Stop tormenting me! Enough! She slumped onto a chair, gripped her head, and howled.
Alex was frightened and went quiet. He watched as Granny rocked gently, repeating, My Leslie, my Leslie, and sobbed.
All right, all right, dont cry, Alex recovered, awkwardly hugging her. Dont, please. Sorry, Granny.
You forgive me, Alex, Granny looked at him, smoothing his cheek. Your mum made a mess of everything. Ruined life for all of us, she sighed shakily, got up, took a drink of water. Come on.
Alex didnt ask anything. He got dressed and followed silently. They walked to the cemetery. Alex stood staring at the oval photo on the gravethe image of a young, happy man smiling back.
My son, Leslie, Granny sobbed. Because of her, your mother, hes here. He loved her so muchjust like in the films.
What about her? Alex asked, not believing this man was his dad.
She said she loved him too, Granny rasped. Loved him, yes. But sometimes love isnt kind.
Tell me.
Granny was quiet, then sat on the bench.
Love that forgets itself offends God, she said. They loved each other that way, you understand?
Alex nodded, even though he didnt. He felt it somehow.
He couldnt live without her. Neither could she, really. They married, moved to the city. She wanted to test how much he loved herwasnt enough for her. She started flirting with his best mate, and Leslie nearly died from grief and jealousy. He went out drinking, lost his head, and woke up at home by someone else. Your mum saw and chucked him out.
Granny fell silent, stroking the photo.
He begged forgiveness, but she wouldnt. He couldnt bear it. You know? she asked, not expecting an answer. He came back here. I found him, out in the yard. Hed stopped breathing, she whispered, clutching her throat. Six months later you were born. Leslie never knew he had a son.
Alex gazed at the photo, wondering what Dad would have said if hed known.
She couldnt bear it either, Granny breathed angrily. Youre his double. She left you behindseeing her own guilt every day, thats the worst punishment.
What about you? Am I a reminder too? Alex stared at the grass beneath his feet.
Granny was silent. Alex feared her answer.
For me Granny paused, stroking Leslies photo again. For me, Alex youre my reason to live.Alex stared at Granny, feeling something inside him thawan ache that wasnt pain anymore, but softer, warmer. He glanced up at Leslies smiling face on the gravestone and then at Granny, sitting there with her hand pressed against the cool marble.
He took her hand, curling his small fingers into hers. Somewhere nearby, birds began to sing, their voices threading through the trees and into the silence.
Granny, he whispered, can we come here again?
As often as you like, she replied, squeezing his hand. Well tell Leslie all about your adventures. Hed have loved to know you.
Alex nodded, imagining himself running across the yard, proudly dragging Granny by the arm, laughing, shouting, Look at me, Dad! And somehow, even if he couldnt see it, he sensed Leslies smilestill gentle, still watching.
Granny smiled through her tears. Lets go home, Alex.
He stood, brushing the grass from his knees. Then, for the first time since hed been left behind, the word home didnt feel empty.
He followed Granny out of the cemetery, hand in hand, into the brightening afternoon. This time, Alex didnt look back.
