– Gail, forgive me. I dont know what came over me, Matthew looked sheepish, fiddling with his sleeve.
– Oh, its all right, Gail gave a faint smile. Were married, after all.
– But it wasnt real, not really. Only for little Maisies sake Matthew kept his gaze fixed on the wallpapers faded roses so shed have a mum and dad. We agreed
– Yes, we agreed wed live as neighbours, Gail nodded, her hair caught in the morning light. Well, maybe its time to renegotiate.
– So, I havent upset you? Matthew sounded surprised. I thought youd
– Matthew, Im only ten years older than you. And just because you were married to my daughter, doesnt mean we cant be together, Gails smile softened, wise and gentle. You stay in bed if you like. Ill make breakfast.
– So Matthew didnt manage to finish his sentence.
– Yes, Gail answered the unspoken. Lets live as a happy family. When we reach Emily, well ask her to sign over her parental rights. Ill adopt Maisie. And well be husband and wife. Properly.
Matthew drifted into thought, a lazy smile stealing across his face.
– It was good, wasnt it? he murmured.
– All the better, Gail kissed his cheek, slipped into her floral dressing gown, and left Matthew alone with the musty sunlight.
– Why not? Really, why not? Matthew mused, staring at the ceiling, which seemed to be breathing. Everythings been heading this way Shes always cared for me so deeply. And I for her, maybe
He closed his eyes. The pillow felt like a cloud and the air was honey-thick.
– Yes, Matthew sighed, blissful. She was always there for me, not like her daughter
Love doesnt ask permission, nor does it obey any sensible order.
Matthew met his first wife at an office shindig, though it was hardly a shindig more a cluster of bank employees in a pub snug in a low-rent hotel. Colleagues unwinding after hours, the village of Derby blurring outside in the fog.
Emily wasnt a colleague, just the hotels receptionist. She kept an eye on the bar, too.
The hotel rarely had guests but that night Emily poured drinks, wiped tables, and pretended business was positively booming. Twice her eyes met Matthews, then he stumbled up with an oddly worded question:
– Do your chefs have any international awards?
The restaurant was more greasy spoon than fine dining, the thirty rooms mostly empty, and the food solid, British fare.
Emily blinked uncertainly. Bar and restaurant werent connected, no food could be ordered from one to the other, all terribly compartmentalised.
– I doubt it, Emily replied. Were hardly a five-star establishment.
She flashed a shy smile and Matthew suddenly realised she was younger than she looked. But attraction glittered, and Cupid, having done his bit, flew off into the shadows.
Emily was eight years younger than Matthew. Which was no bad thing. Soon enough, they were married.
But wedding bells and declarations of love dont guarantee domestic bliss.
Matthew had less expected of him, being a man after all. Most Englishmen bumble through household tasks, and Emily, at twenty-one, hadnt learnt the art of home making. Shed lived with her mother, Gail, until the wedding, rarely had to cook, clean or fuss.
Married life hit Emily with a barrage of responsibilities and, especially, time. There was simply never enough of it.
She kept working long shifts, but even so, had to feed Matthew and keep house whether awake or asleep.
– No worries said her mum Ill come and help!
– Oh, youd be a lifesaver! Emily rejoiced.
– Wont Matthew mind his mother-in-law moving in? Gail asked.
– Mum, he works hard, hes tired, he loves me. He knows Im busy, and hes stretched thin himself.
Hell be happy everything gets done and that Ill have more rest!
– All right, Gail hesitated. After work, Ill go to your flat!
– Ill warn Matthew, Emily said. Hell give you keys for next time.
– Thats convenient, isnt it? Gail worried.
– If hes late and Im working, would you wait outside? Its a new-build no benches!
No sooner wed, Matthew and Emily took out a mortgage on a three-bed flat, a proper investment for their future. Bank staff perks had secured Matthew good lending rates.
Gail agreed to help, partly because she felt shed failed in raising Emily, partly because she genuinely liked her son-in-law.
– Hes a decent man shed tell her next-door neighbour, Mary, when asked where Gail disappeared evenings but he could leave Emily, you know. My girls spoilt! Cant cook, cant clean.
Shell learn, of course. But while shes learning, best Matthew doesnt leave!
– So you act as the maid? Mary scolded.
– Well, what can you do? A mother will do anything for her daughters happiness!
Gail threw herself into the work, sometimes quietly crying that perhaps if shed cared for her husband like this, shed not be alone.
Not her happiness, but Emilys, she decided. It was enough.
Matthews role remained simple: the consumer. Emily took advantage of her mother, never even tried to learn, not even during the family gatherings Matthew and Emily hosted all food prepared by Gail, whod stealthily slip away once the party got going.
Emily soaked in praise for her mums efforts:
– You work so much and the house is spotless! The foods divine! Better than any restaurant!
Gails help was bottomless, but even more was demanded.
After a year, Emily was pregnant; Maisie was born. The routines of English family life fell on Gails shoulders. Caring for Maisie, as grandmother, seemed logical moving in, maybe even giving up work.
But Emily resisted:
– Ill be with Maisie all day myself! Ill feed her, all the rest. You can come evenings, after your shifts, same as before!
The reason became clear in two years, in a sudden and surreal confrontation. Everyones hearts skipped; what Emily did shook their souls.
– Ive signed a contract, she announced over shepherds pie, the whole family gathered. Ive been hired as a hotel manager overseas for four years. Ive accepted. So
– What? Matthew and Gail exclaimed together.
– Are you deaf, or must I repeat myself? Emilys voice was cold.
– But darling, Maisies only two! cried Gail.
– And our family? Matthew faltered.
– Oh, you all can get stuffed Emily said, archly. Im divorcing you, Matthew. A peck on the cheek, thanks for the waltz! Maisie stays with her dad. Good luck! Dont pine for me!
No appeals to decency, shame or conscience. Emily divorced Matthew, packed her glossy cases, and vanished into a sweltering country of sand and sheikhs.
Through the divorce and Emilys departure, Matthew took leave from the bank. Then he sat, lost in the stillness of flat 31.
– Should I take parental leave, or put Maisie in nursery? Ill manage, but how? If I take leave, how will I pay the mortgage? If shes in nursery, my shifts are all over the place How do I even earn enough? Why did this happen?
– Matthew Gail put a hand on his shoulder. Forgive me for how I brought up Emily.
– What good is forgiveness? Matthew asked. I dont know what to do now! Tell me, what should I do?
– Matthew, if you might send Maisie to foster care, let me adopt her myself, Gail said softly.
– Are you mad? Matthew snapped. Send my daughter away? Ill go to the ends of the earth, but never let her go!
– I knew you were good, Gail nodded. Im not going to abandon you like Emily did. Ill help. I could even leave my job until Maisies settled in nursery!
– Really? Matthew was amazed.
– I can be rehired anytime! Gail smiled. Next year or in five.
– Move in with us, then, Matthew said. Well muddle through.
The first year of this new arrangement was hard. Matthew had to ask for a mortgage payment holiday; money was tight.
Emilys salary was gone, Gail quit her job, but had to pay for her own flat anyway.
Not as much as if she’d been living there, but the bills kept coming.
They planned to put Maisie in nursery so Gail could start work again, but fate intervened. When Emily left, Maisie could only babble, but as the year passed, she called Gail mum and believed it too. As if Emily had never existed.
So Maisie lived with Daddy Matthew and Mummy Gail, the fact that Gail was her grandmother evaporating in the logic of dreams.
One day, half-joking, Gail said:
– Why isnt Maisies dad marrying her mum? Theyre just cohabiting!
They laughed, but the idea grew sticky in their minds.
– Matthew, Gail brewed courage Maisies growing up, shell start to ask questions soon. She thinks Im her mum, youre her dad.
Telling her Im actually her gran would harm her. Shell ask about her real mum. What do we say?
– Um Matthew hesitated.
– That her mum abandoned her? Gail asked. Thatd hurt her more. And Emily wont come back, we both know it.
I suggest we get married legally, so the paperwork matches the reality: husband and wife, mummy and daddy for Maisie.
Well live as before, like neighbours, but when Emily agrees to sign her rights away, Ill adopt Maisie properly. Well be a real family. Maisie wont be traumatised.
– Yes, Matthew accepted the sense in it. But there is another aspect
– Thats your private business, Gail said calmly The childs welfare comes first. If the dad has, um, needs elsewhere, the mum wont mind! Well carry on as before.
No wedding, just registry office and signatures. They lived as they always did as neighbours, raising Maisie, running the household.
Maisie off to nursery, parents off to work, a clever household sleeping in separate bedrooms, as modern couples do. Hygienic, respecting personal boundaries.
Another year passed. Still money was tight, but they managed, a true family.
One evening after a staff party, Matthew returned home tipsy. Desire still flickered, though none at the party had caught his eye. Home was wife Gail, who was ten years older, but somehow waiting for him.
Matthew didnt know how he ended up in Gails bedroom. In the morning, shame hung heavy as mist.
***
Matthew stumbled to the kitchen, drawn by smells of toast and tea, and found not only breakfast but the promise of a conversation.
– We could, Gail began be together, not just for Maisie, but for ourselves. Weve already mastered domestic life and are married. If last night was agreeable for you, maybe we could become a true couple, with all that entails.
Matthew didnt hesitate:
– Absolutely, Gail. I mean Gail! I dont just agree; Im all for it! he squeezed her, kissed her, and breakfast was postponed as they returned to the lopsided bed.
Later, as they munched their eggs, Gail announced:
– Now were a proper family, Ive got some proposals!
– Im listening, my beloved wife! Matthew smiled.
Gails ideas were good, but at the edges of Matthews mind, Emily still lingered.
What if she returned? What if she made a fuss? What if she told everyone, told Maisie, her father married his ex-mother-in-law?
Those thoughts rang hollow and terrifying; and fears, in dreams, always haunt the waking.
