Its best not to hold onto false hope
Looking up to my parents, seeing how gentle and caring Dad was with Mum and with me, I always thought to myself:
One day, Ill have a wonderful and charming husband too just one marriage for life. Ill love my husband and hell love me, well have children and live long and happily ever after.
I grew up with this image in my head, waiting for that one unique man just for me. And eventually, I met him or so I thought. It started when my friend Alice suggested:
Its Sunday and the heat is stifling. Lets go to the seaside!
Oh, good idea, I agreed. A bit of sunbathing and swimming would do us good.
That summers day, I was young and carefree, lying on the beach with Alice, swimming in the sea. At first, I didnt notice, but not far from us, a handsome, athletic-looking lad had settled down. Suddenly, our eyes met and I felt the burn of his steely gaze. Before long, he came over to us.
Hello girls, mind if I join you? Bit dull sitting on your own. Lets get acquainted. Im Daniel, he said, fixing his eyes on me.
Alright, I replied, shuffling over to make space.
We introduced ourselves. Daniel was quick to show he was interested in me. I was quite flattered being well-read and friendly enough myself. Daniel happened to be a sportsman, and Id always fancied athletic men. I fell head over heels utterly smitten and blind to his flaws. Daniel was tall, fit, and flashed a dazzling smile; he was everything Id dreamed of.
Amanda, cant you see Daniel isnt the right man for you? Hes really harsh, warned Alice, who could see things more clearly. But there was convincing no one once I fell in love, no one else in the world existed.
Oh Alice, dont be like that! Daniel treats me beautifully. Sure, he doesnt like my short skirts, but thats no big deal. He has my best interests at heart, I always defended him.
When I told Alice I was marrying Daniel, that wed already filled out our intention forms, she once again tried to warn me.
Amanda, hes not the one! But I brushed her off, even thinking perhaps she was just envious.
I started my married life, and for a while it was fine. But Daniel soon started to find fault with everything.
You need to lose weight. Dont put on that skirt far too short. That dress is indecent, you should dress more modestly. And I dont want you seeing Alice anymore, hed say. I listened, thinking he must be right.
After a time, the rose-tinted specs fell off. I began to see all his shortcomings. Daniel was critical and plainly rude to people especially in cafes and shops. Hed talk down to the staff as if he were some king. It embarrassed me to no end.
Hed always been this way, though I used to believe it was some kind of chivalry. Now, the criticism was pointed at me.
Youve put the plates out wrong. Is that the way to pour coffee? Cant you salt the soup properly? Why havent you ironed my shirt? Why arent my shoes cleaned? And so it went.
Daniels constant nit-picking grated at me, even as I tried to fix every mistake. I held out hope hed one day change.
If my husband finds fault in me, I must be a rubbish wife and housekeeper, Id think. He says I need to slim down well, I did mean to exercise and eat better anyway. In my mind, I was justifying everything he said.
I excused every humiliation. And he relished it. But one day, when I finally answered him back, he raised his hand against me. Even then, I still blamed myself.
I shouldve just kept my mouth shut.
Hed been drinking, and lately, that was a regular thing. I never told anyone about my troubles at home. His drinking got worse and I started to accumulate bruises, which I did my best to hide. Alice could see what was going on and wouldnt keep quiet.
Leave that bully, Amanda. I told you he was bad news. Dont look back, just go. He doesnt love you.
Alice, I married him for love marriage is for life. I keep hoping hell change.
Oh, you naïve girl. Youll come to regret this, just remember me.
One night, Daniel came home stinking of booze, and I was already asleep. That set him off a wife should wait up for her husband, or so he thought. He walked over, grabbed me roughly, and started hitting me. It got so bad I needed an ambulance. Turned out I had a cracked rib.
Amanda, please forgive me, forgive me, he pleaded at the hospital bedside.
But Id lost all trust in him, thinking, Hes frightened, not ashamed about what hes done, but about getting punished. Still, out of misplaced kindness, I covered for him, telling everyone it was my own fault.
But my mum and Alice insisted I file for divorce. Afterward, I realised theres more to lifeand being alone can be quite freeing. No more constant criticism or nasty words. My life took its own course. I was young, slim, goodnatured and attractive. In time, I met someone new.
It was at Alices birthday party that I met Simon, a distant relative of hers. As we got to know each other, I realised Simon was Daniels complete opposite. Reserved, patient, not a fan of big crowdsso different.
Well, I wont make the same mistakes again, I thought, and Alice assured me he was home-loving and kind.
We didnt date for long before getting married. Simon really was calm and even caring, but his attitude towards money began to worry me. He kept a special notebook, meticulously jotting down every expense.
Blimey, cinema tickets have gone up! hed moan when we went to see a new film.
At restaurants, he ordered the cheapest drinks and salads, arguing that it was for the best. This puzzled me because we were both earning well, lived in his flat, drove his nice car, and even had a cottage (shared with his parents). Simon rarely criticised me and never once laid a finger on me.
At first, I thought happiness had finally found me, so I endured it when he demanded an account of every penny I spent. Bit by bit, it started to get to me. I confided in Alice.
Alice, you wouldnt believe it Simon wants a breakdown of my spending, right down to the last penny, even if its only for some lingerie or toiletries. And dont get me started on makeup he says I shouldnt bother, lipstick at most. Nothing persuades him otherwise.
Oh Amanda, I had no idea Simon was so tight-fisted. I wouldnt put up with it either.
Then disaster struck I broke my leg and ended up in hospital, right after Id been made redundant at work. Thats when Simons true nature showed itself. During his hospital visits, hed bring only a single apple and small bottle of milk.
Simon, food here is dreadful, Im constantly hungry. Could you slip the nurse a few pounds to look after me?
What for? Thats her job, shes paid for that, he replied coolly.
Finally, I was discharged. Back home, hobbling on crutches, I did my best with cooking and cleaning, but Simon started complaining the place wasnt tidy enough and that he wanted soup, not pasta. And when I asked for some help buying feminine products, he got cross something I’d never seen from him.
Honestly, what are you playing at? Youre at home all day, save it for when youre better. And how much longer are you going to be off work? You need to start job-hunting Im not made of money, you know.
That was the last straw. I rang Alice.
Alice, please help me pack and call a cab while Simons at workIve had enough. I cant keep living like this, being belittled.
Alice supported me through it all, and I filed for divorce. Simond ring me, demanding I return every gift, and even sent me a list of all our joint expenses at cafes and cinemas.
Alice, I always thought things like this were just jokes turns out, its real, Id chuckle, though I left with nothing but my own clothes.
I wasnt defeated, though. I recovered, landed a decent job in an office. Alice helped me get in, and now we work together.
Dont worry, Amanda, your happiness will come. Maybe you just have a knack for attracting the same type! Still, you never know… Alice and I would laugh about it.
After two failed marriages, I became much more careful meeting men. Watched, listened, asked lots of questionssometimes men looked at me like I was up to something! Then a new bloke called Edward joined our office. There was a spark straight away; even Alice noticed.
For goodness sake, Amanda, dont fall for it again! Watch and listen first. Now, Im going to keep my eye on Edward tooI quite like him for you.
Edward was polite, considerate if he went to get coffee, hed bring me a cup as well, right in front of everyone. If we ate out at lunch, he always insisted on paying.
Amanda, I really think Edwards the right kind of chap generous, reliable. Takes you home, picks you up in the morning. He doesnt want anything from you, so what else do you need?
I could see it myself Edward was worlds away from my first two husbands. With him, I felt delicate and safe for the first time.
Alice, now I understand what its like to feel truly protected Edward is my rock.
Before long Edward proposed, and I said yes. Weve been happy for years now, raising our two sons together. Edward absolutely dotes on me and the boys. This, at last, is happiness.
If theres anything Ive learnt, its this: Dont settle for false hope. Dont ignore the red flags. Happiness is possible but only if you truly value yourself first.
