Gone for Good
Did you contradict him again? my mother asked as she unpacked the shopping bags. Emily, when are you going to wise up? Davids a good man, hardworking, doesnt run around. Hes hot-tempered, sure, but thats because he bears all the responsibility. You really ought to swallow your pride.
Mum, he raised his hand at me. All because I mentioned nursery for Oscar. Do you think thats normal?
Oh, here we go again! Mum threw up her hands. As if its a tragedy! Back in my day, we were disciplined with a strap, and families were better for it. Look how much he loves you! He looks after you, takes you everywhere. Where else are you going to find someone like thatwith a child in tow, no less? Whos going to want you?
I stood stirring the fourth dish of the evening. Soup was simmering in the pot, meat crackled in the pan, a pie was in the oven, and a rich gravy was bubbling away in the saucepanDavid insisted it had to be the precise thickness: So a spoon doesnt sink, but it wont stand upright either.
Sweat beaded my brow, stray strands of hair clung to my face, but I darent step away for a second.
The television blared from the living roomDavid hated silence, said it did his head in.
Oscar was asleep in the back bedroom, and with every sitcom laugh track, I listened for his cry.
David entered the kitchen without a sound, moving like a cat. He hugged me from behind, and I jumped.
Smells delicious, he murmured into my hair. My little homemaker. You tired out?
I froze, still gripping the spoon. In those moments, he seemed like the man Id married three years agogentle, caring, dependable. But
I am, David. Maybe we should think about nursery? Oscars not a baby anymorehe needs other children, and I could go back to work
He immediately dropped his arms.
Again? Weve talked about this. He went for a week and was ill for a month. Dont you care about your sons health? Or do you just want to go and warm an office chair?
David, all kids get sick at firstits normal, theyre adapting. Doctors say
I dont care what your doctors say, he snapped. I said nursery can wait till next year. Are you not listening? Or do you think you know better than me?
I just want my own money. I turned, trying to look him in the eye. I want to grow as a person, not just stand at the stove.
The smack drowned out the sizzling of meat. I staggered into the sink, pain shooting through my hip. Ears ringing.
You want your own money, is that it? he hissed, stepping toward me. I keep you, I clothe you, I bring you gifts. What more do you want? Whats eaten you up now?
I stayed silent, holding my burning cheek. I knew that lookarguing would only end with fresh bruises.
Sit. Eat, he snapped, taking his seat at the table. And I dont want to hear any more about work. Youre a wife and mother. This is where you belong.
***
The next day, my mother came by. She brought a bag of apples from her garden and another round of wisdom.
She glanced at the faint swelling on my cheekbonemeticulously covered with makeupand launched into another speech about how a wife should be obedient.
I want a divorce, I whispered.
She froze, apple in hand.
Have you lost your mind? Need your head checked, do you? Do you even know what youre saying? If you walk out on that house, dont bother coming to mine. Do you hear me? Dont even think about it. You put up with it, like everyone does!
A memory surfaced of what happened at the shopping centre half a year ago.
David had stepped outside for a smoke, leaving me by the childrens shop entrance. Some big man hurried past, knocked me aside with his shoulder, and Id stumbled in my heels, hitting the tiled floor.
Instead of apologising, the man shouted at me for being in the bloody way.
David appeared from nowhere. Id never seen him like thathe didnt just stand up for me, he went for the bloke with animal rage.
He shook the man until security pulled them apart. Then he came to me, trembling with fury, picked me up in his arms:
Sorry, love, sorry I left you by yourself. Id tear anyone apart for youanyone at all.
Back then, I believed this was true lovehuge, all-consuming.
But now, I couldnt make sense of how that knight in shining armour lived in the same body as the brute who could kick me for moving a chair or serving cold coffee.
In the last four months, the knight had vanished.
Now David thought nothing of shouting at me in the supermarket queue, calling me names in front of strangers if I took too long finding my card.
Youre useless, Emily, hed bark, snatching the bags from me. You really need help. How am I even living with you?
***
My only thread to the outside world was Lisa, a distant cousin from London. We spoke only in secret, whenever David was out.
Drop everything, Em! Lisa would rattle down the phone. Marks got a restaurant, and I need a reliable manager. Youre clever, talkative, you look great. Ill rent you a flat the first few months, put Oscar in private nursery. Come up!
Lis, Im scared. He said hed never let me go. Hed ratherwellhurt me than let me leave, I mumbled.
Thats just his way to keep you trapped. Because without him, youre free, and all he wants is a victim. Listen, whats your life there anyway? Stove, tears, and slaps? You used to dream of the gym, of books! Remember how you used to laugh?
I remembered. Every night I closed my eyes and pictured it: morning in London, walking Oscar down the street to nursery.
No one yelling, no one telling me what to eat or what to watch. I go to a fitness class, get back in shape, read whatever I wantnot whatever David approves.
But when I opened my eyes and saw him sleeping beside me, my resolve vanished. I still loved him, or who he used to be.
Some flicker of hope stayed alive: maybe this was just a rough patch, maybe if I tried a little harder, became perfect, hed go back to being kind.
***
Sunday afternoon, we fought againthis time because I wasnt sweet enough on the phone to his mum.
As I bent to pick up Oscars toy, David walked past and kicked me in the side. White sparks flashed behind my eyes.
By the time I got up, he had stormed out, slamming the door behind him. That evening, he returned carrying a huge bouquet of lilies.
Whats that face for? he asked when Id just got Oscar to bed. I apologised, didnt I? Look at thesebeautiful, arent they? Flowers for the lady, peace for the home. Come on, then.
He started pulling me to the bedroom. I went coldmore clumsy groping, more demands for affection. I couldnt even bear to touch him.
David, please, no. My body aches, I can barely breathe.
He turned crimson, slapped me again, then grinned:
Well, if you dont want me, someone else will. No shortage of girls in this world.
I didnt sleep a wink. I listened to him crashing about in the kitchen, heard fridge doors banging and his low voice as he muttered to someone on the phone.
By morning, he acted as if nothing had happened. He fried eggs, whistled a tune.
Oscar, up you get! Breakfasts ready, lad!
I stepped into the kitchen silently. As I walked past him, he slapped me on the bum.
Whats with the long face?
My side hurts, David, I said quietly, sitting down.
Dont be soft. You just got in the way.
He tossed the spatula in the sink, came over and lifted my chin.
If you keep acting like a sulky queen, rememberIll soon lose patience. I wasnt joking last night. Im a young, healthy bloke. If you mope around, Ill find someone else. Got it?
I nodded.
Thats better. My mums on her way up; shes brought you some plants or something. Clean yourself up, so she doesnt start grilling me about why you look so pale.
David went to the other room. Oscar poked his porridge with a spoon, watching me with his big, solemn eyes. Dread clenched at my heart. He sees it all… What if he grows up just the same?
***
Half an hour later, my mother-in-law arrived, andonce againI got a telling off.
Emily, whys the hall floor filthy? she squinted at the linoleum. David works hard all day; why should he come home to this?
I was up late with Oscar, just didnt get to it, I tried to smile.
You didnt get to it, did you? she mimicked, dropping muddy roots straight onto the table. Youre a lazy ungrateful girl, Emily. My sons put his life into this home, done everything for you, for both of you. Another woman would wash his feet and drink the water. You just sulk.
She shot me a look. He says you mentioned divorce again.
He told you?
He says you dont appreciate him. Where will you go, eh? Whos going to want you and your baggage? Your mothers rightnonsense, all of it. Look at yourself: bags under your eyes, drawn face. Only David would ever put up with you.
Alright, Mum, leave her be, David said, squeezing her shoulder and sending me a wink. Shes just got an artistic temperamenthas a tantrum, calms down. Now, what about those plants? Show me on the balcony.
They left, loudly discussing tomatoes. I stared at the muddy ring on the tablecloth. My hands shook as I took out my mobile.
Lisa, hi. Im in. Whens best to come?
A reply pinged instantly:
Come as soon as you can. Ill get the tickets. Just dont tell him anything.
I hid the phone in my pocket. My mind began reeling through the plan.
Emily! David shouted from the balcony. Why are you standing about? Make Mum some tea, and me too.
Coming! I called, bright as ever.
All day, I played the perfect wifefloors gleaming, jokes faked, praise for his every word. He was pleased.
He even brought me chocolates and cinema tickets for the weekend.
See? he hugged me, ignoring my trembling as my ribs ached. I can be decent, as long as you dont get on my nerves. Lets forget it all. Were a family.
That night, I waited for him to sleep. Then I packed a small bag for Oscar: only essentials. I didnt pack anything for myselfLisa offered to buy everything. Only the documents mattered.
I wrapped my sleeping son in a blanket, called a cab. As we stood at the door, Oscar woke up.
Mummy? Where are we going? he whispered, rubbing his eyes.
Shh, darling. Were going on an adventure. On a big train. Would you like that?
Yes, he nodded, sleepily reaching for me.
At three in the morning, we left. For good.
***
David searched for us for ages, but never found his way to the capital.
My cousin did everything she couldmy new life began. I even managed the divorce; her solicitor handled it all.
David remarried quickly, and, honestly, I pitied his new wife. Men like my ex never change…






