With a lost, unblinking gaze, Mary stared at her husband, searching the depths of his dark eyes, struggling to grasp that all of this was not a dream.
How absurd, she thought suddenly, at the worst possible momenthes still so handsome. Not the years, nor hard times, have ruined him. She glanced at her reflectiona plumper, older woman, hair almost entirely grey. She shuddered, and her cry tore through the room: Ben! What have you done? What have you brought upon us?
She clapped her hand over her mouth, startled by the sound of her own voice, then slowly sank against the wall to the floor, drained of strength.
How do you expect me to live now, shameless man? How am I supposed to face people? Theyll laugh in my face! Oh, what disgrace my husbands got another childby another woman! Her contempt twisted her mouth, then the fury rose again, her voice barely humanYoure just a mongrel! Filthy dog! Lord, why have I been burdened with all this?
She knew her shouting was useless, but her heart felt like it was splitting apart with the pain and rage, and she sensed the neighbours behind the walls had gone quiet, eavesdropping. But what was the point? There was no hiding the truththere was the child, peeking out now and then, hiding behind his fathers leg. She screamed, sobbed uncontrollably, humiliation choking her, unable to meet the innocent boys gaze.
Ben, what are you doing to us? How are we supposed to get on now? Why have you treated me like this? Ive done my share, raised our daughter! I longed to have a bit of peace in my old age, to live for myself at lastand this is what you bring me, a stray child! Look at you, strutting around like youre some hero, calling yourself a father! Youre no fatheryoure a dog, that’s what you are! I dont want to see you, or him, ever again! Her wail now was a shriek, raw, broken, echoing in the small house. While I kept this house, you were off gallivanting about in London Get out of my sight! You cursed brute!
Ben kept his silence, knowing from long experience nothing could stop Mary until shed vented every bitter word. She was always the quarrelsome one.
The little boy, thin and small, with olive skin and a helpless, frightened look, clung tightly to Bens legs, his fists gripped around Bens thumbs, lips trembling, eyes pressed down. His long lashes fluttered anxiously. He was terrified.
So, did you live with a traveller girl then? she spat out, casting an intrigued, quick glance at the child.
No, with a Romanian, Ben replied evenly.
Mary waved off the answer. All the same. Was your own wife not enough for you?
He smiled bitterly and shook his head. Not enough, Mary, not enoughbecause, in truth, I never really had you, and everything you ever wanted I sent back promptly.
Dont twist my words! she shouted, faltering as she realised the nonsense shed just spoken. What effort had she really made? Shed chased her own husband off to make a living, years away Yes, she ran the house, but never once wondered how he was coping out there alone.
I tried too, Mary the best I could
A crushing weariness came over her, the desire to lie down and forget everything. Suddenly she remembered the empty fridge. Snatching her handbag, feet crammed into Wellington boots, she threw on her coat and dashed out towards the convenience shop. She needed timeto think, cool off, try to come to terms, at last. Emotions fought inside her, but the truth came slowly: she would take Ben back, and his child as well. She cursed her husband, raged, muttered What have you done? over and over.
When her breathless run halted, she looked aroundan indescribable beauty had descended on the street. Life flowed quietly and peacefully. Under the golden glow of street lamps, the first snowflakes spun and danced, settling down in soft, airy flurries, covering everything in gentle whiteness. The air was clear and perfectly still. Trees, benches, and paths glittered as though dusted with frosty pearls. Afraid to disturb the beauty, she perched carefully on a corner of a bench. Memories whirled through her mind like shards in a kaleidoscope, always interrupted by one persistent thought: Why, Lord, why me?
She lifted her eyes as if seeking an answer, but only mischievous, distant stars twinkled back, as though mocking her misery.
Why? she whispered, We lived so well together
She paused, realisingwhat was truly good in their life these last twelve years? Like three drawn-out wars, they lived in separationtwelve years, each following their own path, so little in common left. Divorce was never spoken of, though; it felt as if this was enough. They met rarelynot that they had forgotten each other entirely. Both clung to the belief that they still had a family, but really it was just the hollow shell, a stamp in the passport and a line in the registry book.
They lived as strangersno eyes meeting, no shared laughter. No coffee in the mornings, no films at night, no watching the sunrise or bidding farewell to twilight. All tenderness fadedtouch, scent, everything erased. Distance and the things left unsaid grew, and so did the confusion: they knew something had to change, but neither dared to try. Fate seemed to pity them and threw this new twist into their lives.
We lived so well, once But that was before, before Ben lost his job. Back then, Mary was proudher husband not only tall and handsome, but the chief engineer at the local factory. The town was small, everyone lived in public view, and shed tried to outdo her neighbours, but never accepted that her well-regarded husband was now unemployed. Gossipy, curt neighbours made things worse.
Well, has yours found work yet, or is he still lounging about at home? theyd smirk.
Mary would storm about the house in fury, shouting like a market stallholder, weeping that soon they wouldnt have enough to eat, moaning about having to stretch for two families. Their daughter had married, was expecting her first child; she was still a student. How could Mary not help? They quarrelled often, stopped talking for weeks, she even banished Ben to the sofa in the lounge, disdainfully tossing his pillow away. Where had all the love gone? Ben, knowing Marys short temper, suffered in silence, closing himself off more and more.
Hed been waiting for work at the local timber yard, she recalled. Ben was respectedhonest, responsible, skilled, and, most importantly, unlike most of the men in town, he didnt drink. But shed stirred up too much trouble
One evening, the timber yard owner dropped by with a job for Ben, but she had already chased Ben off to London. Living alone she realised how hard it was without a man in the house. She was still young andwell, she started flirting with the owner, feeling a wave of shame heat her cheeks
For months, he visited in secretyoung, arrogant, smelling of wood shavings. Mary relished those secret meetings! She didnt waste a thought on Ben during those times, filling the void with shallow, humiliating affairs, blaming him for leaving her, beautiful and young, all alone.
As years passed, she aged and forgot. Those petty, degrading adventures seemed to fade away. But now, they resurfaced, striking her sharply.
When the factory closed and Ben lost his job, he truly grieved. Always on top, always independent, suddenly he was nobody. The factory had been his second home; without work, he was lost. The shame and guilt overwhelmed him for a time. Marys endless fights made it all worse. He couldnt understand how shed grown so bitter and impatient. Werent they supposed to be partnersfor better or worse, for richer or poorer? Every day, Mary rattled on about the capital, who was earning what, which family had bought what
She nagged and nagged until finally Ben left, gratefully, to London, nearly a thousand miles away.
He became an electrician, wiring up enormous retail spaces, office blocks, and warehouses. In London, there was no shortage of workor competition. Migrant workers, desperate for jobs, would take anything for a wage, saving every penny. Food was bought at half price when near expirysometimes Smart Price, bargain brands, cheap noodles and tinned pies. Four men to a flat, sharing tiny bedrooms; cramped, but cheap. Everything Ben earned, he sent home.
Rumours spreadmen aren’t what they used to be. Mary joined in the chorus.
Ben grew tough, weather-beaten, calloused hands, deep wrinkles. A working man, through and through. It didnt matter to Maryonly the money mattered.
Years raced by, she lost track. Her grandson grew; her daughter divorced. They survived largely thanks to Bens wages.
But love seemed to have died, respect faded. She saw Ben as a failure and quietly looked forward to his rare visits, dreaming of someone else.
Not just distance and absence tore them apartit was foolishness, bred by impatience, greed and selfishness that took her over, leaving her a perpetually dissatisfied, quarrelsome woman. Now, remembering, she saw it clearer than everand, horrified at her own reflection, she wailed: What a fool I am! The first real hardship, and I forgot how we promisedfor better or worse, for richer or poorer What devil possessed me back then?
She ran as fast as she could to the shop, afraid Ben would leave if she was too slow. And if he left now, it would be forever.
A dreadful fear of losing him struck Mary then. Suddenly she realisedeven with all their faults, there was no one closer, no one more dear to her in all the world than her husband. If he left now, nothing would mean anything.
Ben, too, sat at the kitchen table, still in his coat, hating himself for not enduring Mary’s tantrums, for not waiting for work at the timber yard, for not calming her nerves and putting his overbearing wife in her place. Ran off like a coward to London, he sighed. Worked on building sites, clinging on, just one step away from being homelessjust with a job, is all. Was there really anything so great about the money he sent her?
He raked his fingers through his hair, groaning, What a fool I am!
He remembered Anna. Met her in his fifth year of lonely exile. Her kindness warmed him, showed him true love. Anna loved him without asking for anything in return. And no matter how good it was with her, Bens heart was always back home, a thousand miles away, pining for quarrelsome, dissatisfied, almost lost but still beloved Mary.
A weakling, he cursed himself, What have I done?
Anna was young and lively, playful and pretty. Girls from Romania had their own grace and fiery temperament. She adored Ben, promising, Ill bear your childhell be a wonderful boy.
And so she didshe gave birth to Michael. Then, she was killedshe fell from a height at the building site. Ben mourned deeplygrief clutching his heart, unable to shake the loss of her warmth, her ceaseless laughter. He felt keenly for the boy. At first Michael was raised by his aunt, but with her own children neglected, he was shuffled to an old woman. Its not right, Ben finally decided, my own son shouldnt be passed around when Im alive. He took Michael and went home, dreading the new wave of quarrels, but resolvedhed never leave his son now, no matter what Mary said. If she didnt agree, hed leave againwith the boy.
But he didnt know that Mary, not as a wife but as a mother, valued his decisionHes returned, his head bowed, but he didnt abandon his child.
While the adults struggled to come to terms with their past and uncertain present, Michael, worn out, fell asleep in the hallway, curled up by the radiator with his knitted woollen hat for a pillow, just like a stray puppy.
When Mary returned, she gasped, How could you leave the child on the floor, Ben? Kicking off her boots, she handed him the shopping bags, and gently lifted the sleeping boy.
So light, so skinny, her heart twisted, not lived long, already an orphan. But ohlook how much he resembles Ben! The spitting image
She forced herself to choke down the barbed jealousy and, careful not to wake the boy, undressed him, tucked him up, and covered him warmly.
For a long time she sat beside him, kneeling on the floor, gazing at her husbands childso utterly foreign to her. Life, she mourned, had come full circle; from where they started to where theyd now returned. Here they were at square one, only worseboth out of work and now with a small child to care for. She had driven her husband away to earn, and now receivedbrutal ironya homeless child in return.
How tired she wastired of loneliness and emptiness, sleepless nights, heavy thoughts, neighbourly gossip and judgment. Shed sent Ben away and rejoiced at her newfound freedom, only to find herself imprisoned, with each day apart tightening her chains. How exhausted she was this day! Cold to the bone. Ben sat beside her and, hesitantly, rubbed her back, then hugged her. She trembled at the unfamiliar touchstrong, masculine hands, familiar, yet so long forgotten.
They were silent, hiding their tearstears of penitence and forgivenessknowing now they were both to blame. Both understood: a cot was needed, toys, clothes, and life would be completely different from now on. Strangely, there was no panicno longer each alone, they were together, every day now, and everything would be alright.
We must put up the Christmas tree, buy presents Mary fretted, See a doctorwho knows what care hes had I dont care what people say, let them worry about their own families. She knew now shed keep the boy, and only he deserved her thanksthat Ben had come home. Truly, as people say, everything happens for the best.
She managed a sad smile, then burst out, What fools weve been, Ben! What have we done? We were so afraid of a second child, so scared of change, when folk had babies even during the war. Why did you go to London? Why did you listen to silly me? So many years wasted!
She leaned against him; Ben held her tighter. Mary began to sob, and woke the sleeping boy. Michael sat up, confused, glancing warily from one adult to the other; his dark eyes glistened. He fixed his gaze on Mary, as if peering right into her soul, then asked, clear as day: Will you be my mummy now?
Mary nodded, quick and eager. She couldnt speakthe feeling caught in her throat. Michael looked at Ben, seeking reassurance. Yes, son, she will be your mum. Forever, Ben said softly.
Michael, brow furrowed in deep thought, looked again at Mary, this time more calmly, reached out and wiped away the tears from her cheeks with his small hand.
