Ellie! Where are you hiding?! Come on, you little scamp! You can stay out all night if you like, but youll be starving! Hear me? I wont let you get away with this!
The fiveyearold, wedged among the burdock by the low stone wall of a thatched cottage, sat on the sunwarmed earth with her palms over her ears, mumbling something under her breath.
Call her!
Ellie cant hear!
If only she could shut her eyes and not see the tall, striking woman perched on the front step of Grans house! But she cant, because the lady would spot her right away and thats exactly what happened before. Then Ellie ducked behind the garden shed where the familys old terrier, Buster, liked to nap, and she sat so still she almost fell asleep. She was jolted awake by a hefty slap, then a yank at her ear that left her afraid to even touch it again. Ouch!
The woman wasnt Ellies mother; she was Aunt Nancy, Grans sister. Aunt Nancy didnt like Ellie much, blaming her fatherlessness. What that meant Ellie didnt fully grasp, but she guessed from Sam, the neighbour boy who was already eleven and knew far more than she did. It means nobody wants you, Sam had said. Youve got no dad, no mum, just an aunt and an old gran. When Gran dies youll be taken in by Aunt Nancy, and she doesnt want that. Shes got enough of her own kids.
Why am I being punished like this, Mum? Why are you so quiet? Its all your fault! You spoilt Natasha while she was still a baby, and now what? My flat isnt a rubber balloon! Its packed tighter than sardines in a tin! Ive got a husband, two kids, and my motherinlaw, all squeezed into two rooms. Where do we put her? And why?
You cant talk like that, Nancy! Shes family!
Shes nothing to me! I never asked for her to be born! And I told Natasha shed never get anywhere with that loveydovey of hers! Was I wrong? Of course I was! Natashas gone, and that other bloke vanished like a devil at sunrise!
Whats the childs fault?
Nothing! Shes a burden Im exhausted, you know? No strength left! My own lot keeps messing up You cant catch a break! Im fighting to earn an extra penny, and its all for naught! One day the school windows get smashed, the next the kids need new jeans And where am I supposed to get the money? We found a millionaire! Daddy never lifts a finger! He gets his wage and spends it on his fancy golf clubs! Im supposed to scrape every last penny for the family, while he works a single job and collapses from exhaustion! And his work isnt a walk in the park either they sit around gossiping till the boss gives them a slap on the neck, then they barely manage a grin. How do we survive, Mum?
Im sorry, love, I cant help you but giving a child away to an orphanage while there are living relatives is a sin!
That sin isnt mine, Mum!
Nobody argues with that!
I cant love her, do you understand that or not?
Then stop! The important thing is that she stays in the family! Its shameful Oh, Nancy Didnt you say life would be easier if you were loved? She needs the same, a living soul
A soul You cant feed a soul with love stories if its still alive! Itll always ask for more. Where will you get it? And dont lecture me about love! That time when I needed you is over! Enough! The girl has grown up Shes wiser now
Ellie barely understood half of that argument she was listening to from under Grans bed, but she caught most of it. The nursery staff always praised her, saying she had a good memory. So Ellie tried to be attentive, and she could repeat everything wordforword!
Ellie! How many times must I call you? If you dont show up soon youll go to bed famished! Aunt Nancy reappeared on the step, but only for a moment.
Gran was ill again, and her moans drifted all the way to Ellies hideout, even though the fence and burdock were a good distance from the house.
Let her be hungry! At least shes not beaten! Ellie knew why Aunt Nancy needed her. That morning Aunt Nancy had ordered Ellie to wash the hallway and wipe the steps. Ellie forgot. She got distracted. Sam had given her an old red toy car missing a wheel. Ellie loved it, because she didnt have many toys: an ancient rag doll named Rosie, whose dress Gran had sewn from a handkerchief, a oneeyed grey rabbit she adored, and Mums blue beads a gift from her own father, Gran claimed. Gran always said the beads were worth nothing on market day, but to Ellie they were priceless. She would string the beads along the step rail, turning it into a sea, a mountain, a dragon, just like the forbidden book on the high shelf that Gran never allowed her to touch.
It hurt that Gran said Ellie might tear the book. Ellie never ripped books; she loved them, even the ones without pictures. She only knew three letters, but shed already learned them and cheered whenever she spotted them on the garden wall. She knew that with a bit more effort shed learn the rest.
Evening draped the yard in a heavy blanket of dimness. Mosquitoes buzzed like tiny violins, and Ellie sighed. It was time to go. Dinner probably wouldnt be served, but Aunt Nancy had been flitting about the yard all day, exhausted from the chores, and shed soon have no strength left for Ellie. A little scolding would be the final touch.
Ellie clambered out of her hideaway and shuffled toward the steps, where Aunt Nancy sat, looking sour.
You finally showed up? My hearts in tatters Where have you been hiding? All muddy Get inside!
Ellie exhaled. No more shouting at her today. Even grownups tire of screaming. She could go to Gran, nestle her cheek against Grans warm, dry hand and wait a bit. The pain would ease, and Gran would feel a twinge of pity for Ellie. That was the highlight of the day: a gentle touch, a quiet whisper, tender words
I love you, my little one! I love you
No one else had ever said that to Ellie. Mum never got the chance, and Aunt Nancy seemed clueless about such things. Ellie had once heard Aunt Nancy scold Gran for talking small to her real daughter. Ellie didnt believe it. Adults are odd they recall the bad and forget the good. She once asked Aunt Nancy why she did it, likening it to picking at a scab. Pull the crust off and it hurts again, over and over, until it finally heals. If you keep picking, a scar remains. Why do we do it? the scarpicking hand asks. Because the hands itch! Gran would say, then reprimand Ellie for doing the same. What hurts when youre not loved? The soul, she claimed. And why does the soul itch, making adults keep hurting themselves? Strange, isnt it?
If anyone asked Ellie, shed tell adults exactly what to do for everyones happiness: Gran should tell Aunt Nancy, I love you! and feel sorry for her, as Ellie feels sorry for herself each night. Its that simple just say it and feel the pity. As for Aunt Nancy, let her be. Shes strong and clever, but Ellie feels sorry for her too, because, according to Aunt Nancy, no one ever loved her. That cant be entirely true; otherwise she wouldnt be sobbing into her pillow at night. Ellie knows this, because she herself cries, knowing that when Grans gone, nobody will love her either.
Gran stroked Ellies hair, whispered her words, and let her go.
Off to bed, love!
Ellie obeyed, turning away without noticing Grans gentle blessing on her back.
Thirsty, she tiptoed to the kitchen, hoping Aunt Nancy might be there.
She was.
What do you want?
A drink
Youll have plenty of that Aunt Nancy grumbled, pouring a glass of milk and setting a plate of boiled potatoes with a large slice of bread before Ellie. Eat! Ive warmed the water. Ill wash your mum later, then you. Youre as filthy as a sootcovered devil!
Aunt Nancy, passing by, absentmindedly patted Ellies head, and Ellie did what shed long wanted: she slipped off the stool and clung to Aunt Nancys legs, unable to reach higher.
What are you doing? Aunt Nancy flustered, pulling Ellie away. What?
Ill love you, even if no one else does Can I?
The question hung unanswered. Aunt Nancy, tears welling, fled the room, shoving Ellie aside. Yet Ellie sensed it was nothing to fear. She could finally eat her milk and potatoes in peace. Aunt Nancys tears would soon dry, though the hurt wouldnt disappear entirely. Ellie understood that even a tiny bit of relief was a win. That brief moment with Gran at night, thinking of good rather than bad, was enough. Maybe Aunt Nancy could feel the same. A mind focused on the bright side makes everything lighter, even when someones being nasty.
Aunt Nancy returned to the kitchen, filled a basin with warm water, and washed Ellie in silence, scrubbing gently, not the usual harsh way.
Off you go! Time for bed!
A short command, and Ellie exhaled. She could retreat to her little room, crawl under a light quilt, tuck her head, and have a quiet chat with Mum. They talked each evening about everything, a habit Gran had praised as healthy. Mum listened, even if she was far away. Tonight Ellie would tell her about Aunt Nancy and promise to clean the steps tomorrow as Aunt Nancy had asked. Ellie loved tidying, though she sometimes forgot.
The next morning she never got the chance to tidy, because Aunt Nancy woke her early, planted a kiss on her cheek oddly sweet and sent her out the door, where Grans neighbour, Mrs. Pritchard, was already waiting.
She can stay here for a while. No need for her to be here now
Can I see her one last time?
Why? If you havent seen her, the memory will keep her alive. Shes still a little thing
Right. Ill feed her, then help out.
Thanks
A few days later Ellie rode the bus with Aunt Nancy to the city. She would never return to Grans cottage; it would be sold within a year, and Aunt Nancy would later claim Ellie as her own daughter, officially. The phrase sounded strange to Ellie, but it felt oddly nice.
She also got to bring the old oneeyed rabbit that Gran had given her ages ago. The rabbit was battered, its ear patched up by Aunt Nancy. Shed tried to stitch a new eye but couldnt find the right button, promising to finish it later. Ellie didnt mind waiting.
The real treasure was the nightly ritual: Aunt Nancy would sit with Ellie, stroke her cheek, and whisper loving words shed never heard before, all day long.
I love you
At first Ellie didnt believe her, especially after Grans death, but she kept replying, I love you too! and eventually she started to believe. Aunt Nancy said those words not only to Ellie, but to her own children and even her husband, though he only heard them now and then. He too had doubted at first, just like Ellie, but he eventually accepted.
Of course, Ellies brother and sister sometimes gave her a hard time, but that was nothing compared to the terror of being utterly alone. She now could read, and the books were full of stories she trusted. No point wasting time on nonsense.
Sometimes she recalled Grans garden, the burdock towering like giant umbrellas, the warmth, the green comfort. She could not go back, nor did she want to Gran was gone, and life with Aunt Nancy wasnt terrible.
One thing still puzzled Ellie: why had Aunt Nancy claimed she didnt need love? Everyone needs it, after all. Ellie knew that.
