DONT BE AFRAID TO BE HAPPY
Sorting through my wardrobe, I came across a bag filled with neatly folded linen kitchen towels and found tucked among them a pristine white handkerchief. Its delicate embroidery and lace felt like something from another timea keepsake that, at first sight, summons a wave of memories; the kind that make people sigh, clutch it to their chest, breathe in its scent, or simply smile wistfully. Sometimes, it even draws tears. For me, seeing that embroidered handkerchief brought a sigh of relief. I pressed it in my palm and whispered softly, Thank You, Lord.
I remember that summers day vividly. Up at seven, a jog in Hyde Park, then rushing off to do errands. By noon, I’d criss-crossed London visiting three places, stopped by to see my grandmother in hospital, and still had enough energy for a bustling market sale. I wandered row by row, drawn to the cotton nightdresses from Manchester, the embroidered towels, and the quirky kitchen aprons. There was a certain satisfaction in browsing, in the act of looking, trying things on and comparing prices. Among the linen napkins, my eyes caught a beautiful, embroidered handkerchief.
Thats the last one, love. They’ve gone quickly. You could take it to the theatreimagine how lovely, the woman at the stall remarked.
I reached for my purse and couldnt help explaining, Actually, its perfect for my wedding dress.
Youre getting married? she beamed.
Yes, the excitement etched across my face. I felt like I was glowing.
Congratulations! Wishing you all the happiness.
Yes, yes, yesIm getting married, dear people, wonderful souls!
I wanted to embrace the world, to shout that it would happen in just three weeks!
All the toughest parts were behind us: the dress bought, the restaurant booked, guests invited, master of ceremonies found, wedding candles and icons purchased.
Just little things remained, like phone calls from Tom: You wanted cream roses, right? They’ve only got pink at the moment, not sure if cream will be available for our date. Maybe ring them yourself? And if Aunt Susan and her niece come over from Birmingham, well need to arrange their stay. Every morning, I woke and looked thankfully at the Christ icon hanging opposite my bed.
Lord, thank you! I am so happy!
Two days later, Tom showed up one evening, visibly shakendifferent from usual. No, this isnt wedding nerves, I thought, heart tightening.
Eliza, somethings happened Anna was in a car accident. The car lost control and crossed into oncoming traffic Her friend was drivingdied on the spot. Annas in hospital now, called me, I visited her yesterday and today
AnnaToms ex; they had parted just a year ago, and it was hard going, as I understood. Anna initiated the split, and after much back and forth, the final break came. They both breathed out, finally strangers to each other, only a lingering habit remained.
Tom kept talking but his words faded. Inside, I was boiling, wanting to cry out, Yes, Anna was in an accident, but what does it have to do with us? Why did she call you? Shes not alone, is she? She has family, friendsTom is her past. Hes about to get married, should be thinking about our wedding!
Tom seemed to read my thoughts.
She needs surgery, Eliza. Her legs in piecesseveral procedures ahead. Her mums out of her mind, just sits and cries Her dad passed away, they need help He looked at me, guilt written all over his face.
My feelings must have shown. I exhaled slowly and tried to speak gently.
But Tom, Anna has other friends. Thank God shes alive.
Yes, I just happened to be first to react, helped sort the pins for her leg, went and paid. No, they have the money, dont worry.
What pins? Tom, you shouldnt be thinking about that now! I couldnt hold back. Theyre just taking advantage of you because you never refuse anyone! Surely one of her other friends owns a car, not just you?
Eliza, his face turned to stone, Someones in trouble, and I was asked for help. If you dont understand, thats your problem
That night, we argued. I broke down, sobbed, and locked myself in my bathroom. Tom left. The next day he arrived with flowers; we made up, and swallowing my hurt, I decided to visit Anna in hospital with him. Let her see: heres his fiancée. I tried to convince myself: you cant piece together smashed pottery, what they had is over, you cant step into the same river twicetheyre just friends now. Yet jealousy gnawed at me.
When I saw Anna, unexpectedly, I calmed downher pitiful state made me feel stronger. Her hair was shaved with bandages covering her head, bruises on her arms, and endless wrappings She only inspired pity. We didnt stay long; Tom updated her on the surgery and medications. On Annas bedside table stood two bouquetsroses and lilies.
The roses wilted quick, but look, your lilies are blooming, she whispered.
A flash of heat burned in me again. Come on, Eliza, he simply brought flowers to a girl in hospital, I scolded myself, fighting to hold back emotion.
Twelve days until the wedding, when Tom burst into my flatunrecognizable, and with a strange voice announced we needed to postpone.
What? Are you mad?! The guests, the restaurant booking? You cant postpone! Whats wrong with you?!
I had a meltdown. I knew: if he wouldnt agree now, something dreadful was coming something awful. I couldnt let it happen! Lord, what will people say? My family, my friends, everyone?
Years later, I still shudder at what could have happened if Tom had caved in, if he hadnt found the courage to stand firm.
Tom was stubborn.
We postponed the wedding. I knew it was the end. The wedding would never happen.
Three days later, we agreed to meet in a cafénot at mine, he refused.
I dont know how to tell you, so Ill just say it straightbest to be honest. Im confused. Anna always meant so much to me. I thought even the strongest love fades, and we broke up, yes But Annas changed, Ive understood things, and so has she.
Shes using you! And you believe her?!
My hysteria returned I dont remember how I got home, how my parents soothed me with tea and calming tablets.
My best friend sold the wedding dress online. Relatives were told everything. I was the innocent victim, but Id have lived easier if my parents had explained we simply parted ways. Just parted, not that he jilted me before the wedding! How could he?!
I remember those days: I wanted to do something to myself. No, Id never attempt suicidetoo cowardly, such things are sins. I simply wanted to vanishdisappear, so everyone would forget me. I thought of stuffing my clothes in a bag, flying off to America, becoming a waitress in some diner where nobody knew me, and nobody asked any questions
I had a breakdown, depression, even saw a psychiatrist. I barely spoke to parents, sister, or friends. Only once did I cry out everything to my best mate, but it didn’t help. I was angry at fate and God. I numbly swallowed my prescribed antidepressants, living by inertia. Slowly, it eased. My parents suggested a bus tour of Europeto relax, find myself again. I agreed, mostly to disappear for three weeks out of view, away from neighbours pitying stares. It’s not that I adored the trip, it was simply a changea way for nobody to touch me, to stare and sigh: Poor thing, dumped right at the altar.
On the trip, I noticed a fellow, Andrew, took special carealways with a smile, asking questions, offering, Let me take your photo, searching for me at breakfast, polite and attentive in every waycourteous yet never overbearing.
We were in Venice, and one day, suddenly, I felt hopeless, stayed in the hotel instead of touring. Andrew gently asked if I was alright or needed a doctor. I thanked him and declined.
Next morning, as we left Venice, I found on my bus seat a small bouquet of white flowers (I never learned their name, but they were delightful) and a package with a bright, beautiful pendant on a cord.
When I got the chance, I approached Andrew and thanked him.
Especially for the pendant. You really know my taste.
Its Venetian glass. Thought it might go well with your summer dress.
I returned to London a different person, wanting to live again. Six months later, I married Andrew. Not only I, but my parents and closest friends were amazed at how well we suitedtwo halves of one whole. With Tom, it was always different, always conflict. All couples have rough edges; you just have to smooth them, I used to tell myself. With Andrew, I finally understood true understanding.
Weve been married four years now, our daughter is three. I heard through mutual friends that Tom married Anna. Recently, I found their profile online. Had to see their photos. Wellwould you believe itthey also have a daughter! And smiling, happy faces.
I place the wedding handkerchief in the dresser. On Saturday, Andrew and I are going to the theatre. I think Ill take the handkerchief with me.
