Standing right by the front door, Claire took a deep breath and blurted out, Theres a surprise waiting for you. She forced a smile. If you dont like itjust say youre nipping to the shop. Ben barely managed a puzzled eyebrow before Claire swung the door open to her flat. A surprise? If you dont like it…? They’d been seeing each other for four months, and this was his first invite over. Honestly, the invitation alone could pretty much smooth over any rough edges hed imagined.
But the rough edge didnt leave him waiting. It sprang out into the hallway, shouting, Mum! Mum! and then froze, gawping at Ben with wide eyes. Ben stared back. It was a little boy, perhaps seven or eight. Her boy.
Of course Ben came in (he couldnt very well bolt back out into the stairwell, could he?), although romance was undeniably off the table now. Claire bustled around awkwardly, avoiding his eyes, their chat tripping over itself. Ben asked all the classic polite questions. Name? Alfie. Seven and a half. Yes, goes to school. Year 3. Doesnt much care for lessonsfootball is more his thing.
I baked a cake yesterday. Lets go have some tea, Claire announced, getting to her feet.
Oh, I ate all the cake, Alfie declared, his eyes wide again.
It was now or never.
Ill just pop to the shop then, pick up something to go with the tea.
Ben would never forget the look Claire gave him after that sentence. On the threshold, both of them stood before him, peering up at him with identical eyes, silent as owlets. To his credit, Ben made his exit swiftly.
No accusations, no acid glances at Claire, no sighs of regretnothing. Ben knew a clean break was bettera little pain now than a lingering mess.
Outside, Londons autumn rain was coming down in sheets. Wind slapped his face. Why hadnt she told him about all this sooner? A child isnt a secret kitten! They were adultshe couldve handled it. He resented Claire for keeping it from him, for letting him fall for her, for putting him through this pantomime.
It wasnt even so much having a childit was her not trusting him, not thinking him good enough to know. What did she expect? That hed sweep the boy into a bear hug and start a game of footie right there? Ben splashed through puddles, fuming and secretly wishing shed ring and ask him to come back.
More than anything, he wanted to be with this woman. Hed even planneddown to the last detailthe most brilliant, original proposal. No clichés. Hed thought they were perfect together. Hed believed shed been sent to him by the powers that be, and that his whole life had been just thatpreparing him to finally meet her.
But now he was stomping through puddles facing his own unpreparedness and fear. He met his own selfishness head-on, took his wounded pride under his arm and left. Well, what a surprise that was.
Mum, was that my dad? asked Alfie.
Dad? Whatever gave you that idea, love?
Um Come on, Ive got to show you something.
Alfie dragged her off to his room. In the middle stood their fake Christmas tree, clumsily decorated, sparkling with fairy lights.
How did you get that out? Howd you set it up? Why, Alfie?
I climbed on a chair! Its not heavy. I asked Father Christmas for a dad.
Claire hugged him, slumped onto the sofa, pressing his little head to her chest and cried quietly. Whats worse than realising you and your child arent wanted by anyone? Whats worse than sitting, rejected and helpless, before your own child and whatever gods may be? Whats worse than knowing that no one on earth truly cares how your lifes going, never mind hoping for your happiness?
It seemed even more awful now than those days with her ex-husband, when she could kid herself she was happy. Back then, shed convinced herself that he was just that sort of mannot one for lunch breaks together, not one for dinners out, not much for laughter, play, or affection. A serious, workaholic sort. At least, back then, it felt possible to believe it was just who he was, and that somehow she still might be happy.
Now she didnt even have that.
She wanted to ring Ben more than anything, to tell him just how tough it is being a mother, that looking for love stopped being a priority ages ago, that any man would now need to be not just a partner, but a dad, too. What could she doit was Ben in whom she saw the whole package. When theyd met, Claire knew it was a bad idea to parade boyfriends anywhere near her son; that both needed time, that she especially shouldnt introduce Alfie to every potential suitorthere might be more than one, after all. You need shared interests, a shared life vision.
You see, sweetheart, everything happens in its own time. You cant just wish for a miracle and expect Father Christmas to pop by and make it all happen overnight. Even the tree has its season, and wishes their own moment, she tried.
It does happen! Alfie insisted, sticking to his theory with the stubbornness only a child can muster. Claire had no choice but to agree and distract him with something else. Grabbing his favourite storybook, they cosied up together on the sofa. Life carries on. Only this particular chapter was overa chapter that couldve been something wonderful, but wasnt. No room for self-pity.
The front door bangedapparently, theyd never shut it after Ben left.
Blimey! What a downpour! What a gale! Nearly froze scouting out the best biscuits! called Ben from the hall, grinning, soaked through, clutching a carrier bag of sweeties.
I told you so! Alfie whispered under his breath.
Claire practically launched herself at Ben in a flood of happy tears.
Oh, come now, my wide-eyed pair! I just popped to the shopthats all, just the shop!He knelt to Alfies level, an awkward knight with a packet of chocolate digestives instead of a sword. Care to share a dunking contest and show me the proper way to trim a Christmas tree? he ventured.
Alfie, face splitting into the biggest grin Claire had ever seen, grabbed Bens hand and dragged him toward the living room, already explaining about the lights and his favorite ornament. Claire hovered on the edgethe mundane miracle unfolding before her disbelieving eyesher heart light for the first time in years.
Later, as fairy lights reflected in all three pairs of eyes, Claire clutched her mug, watching Alfie chattering to Ben, whose laughter warmed the little flat like a fire. Maybe wishes dont come packaged the way you imagine; maybe they arrive rain-soaked, breathless, trailing apologies and chocolate biscuits.
Whatever the case, Claire thought, gathering Alfie against her side and meeting Bens steady gaze across the glow, tonight even the old tinsel looked golden. And for the first time in a long, long while, hopeunexpected, un-asked, and absolutely dazzlinghung brighter than any star atop their tree.
