Delicate Happiness
So, what balloon would you like, Ellie? This one? Or maybe that one? Dad moved his hand between the bunches, colourful balloons bobbing wildly in the wind. Strings tangled, plastic rustledit was as if the breeze itself was in on the fun, teasing everything and everyone.
I always thought, being a balloon seller must be the best job you could ever have. Imaginebright colours, laughter, endless summer days!
This one, Dad! The one with the horse, Ellie finally decided, her finger pointing and her eyes shining up at her father. He stood so tall he blocked out the sun, and she liked peering up like that, squinting as if he had a halojust like the saints in those old pictures at Grans house. Gran June always said they were holy, those people with sad, shining faces. Maybe Dad was like thema little sad, a little kind, worn at the edges
But no, he wasn’t a saint. Not after everything. He left Mum and Ellie, after all
How can a man just leave his wife and daughter behind! Useless waste of space! Gran June used to say, always spitting her words out like sour wine. Hes not a real man! Never was!
Mum and Gran never held back their feelings about Alan in front of Ellie. Best she knows whos good and whos not, theyd say.
At first, it seemed normal enough. Jane was happy, in good spirits, treating Alan to special meals and little surprises, fussing around like a warm cat. Then, after changing jobs, nothing seemed to satisfy her. Not the money, not the space, not even the holidays Alan organised every summernothing. We live like paupers, shed moan. I work my socks off; Ellies in nursery, and you just plod along. Other families, wellthe blokes work hard, the wives manage everything, and thats how it should be!
Alan wasnt exactly climbing the ladders. Sure, he went in, did his shifts, but he took orders rather than giving them, never rose up, never cut corners to bring things home like the husbands some of Janes workmates had. Not that they called it stealingjust being clever with the numbers.
My Tim sorted us out, the women said at work. Well be putting up a new patio at the weekend, out of the extra he managed to blag for us! Thered be sniggers all round, a nod to got to provide for the family! Jane would just sit there, tight-lipped and frowning.
The grumbling grew and grew until it blew up. Jane let fly, saying she regretted marrying Alan at all, wished she hadnt rushed in all those years ago. But she was so scared nobody else would pick her. How wrong I was. Oh, how wrong
Alan just stood there, silent, his fists balled tighter and tighternot to hit, just to hold himself together.
And then Jane mentioned her mumher teeth needed fixing at some fancy private clinic, and Alan wouldnt cough up for itwell, that broke him.
How much is enough? Tell me, and Ill sell a kidney for you! he yelled, jumping up and pacing the kitchen.
Jane flinched, thinking hed lose control, then, realising he wouldnt, muttered, Youre a failure, Alan. Youve never amounted to anything and its about time you went. Seriouslystop winding me up!
Yes, Alan annoyed her. Ate too loudly, snored at night, made a beeline for Ellie when he got home but barely greeted Jane, filled the house with his silly matchstick castles and modelsthere was a whole shelf of them! A right nutter.
He even made a two-storey house out of matches, dreaming aloud that one day, hed build something like it for his girls. But all there was were matchsticksnothing more.
Out of spite, Jane swept all the models to the floor and smashed them underfoot. Greedy, was she? Well, take that, Alan!
So Alan left. Jane stood there, mouth ajar at the slam of the door. Was it really that simple? Just walk out and not even try to fix things?
Mum! Hes gone! He just leftwalked out after I shouted a bit. I didnt mean it! What now, Mum? Jane sobbed, clutching her head, but Gran June just waved her off, Dont stress, love, or youll have wrinkles and a migraine.
Ill move in for a bit, help out. Well get rid of Alan, dont worry. Write to the council, say hes left, youre alone with a child, no support. Get it sorted. Ill start packing.
So Gran June turned up pretty quickly and took over Ellies room.
Gran snored like a freight train, Ellie hid under her duvet to muffle the sound, but if Gran caught her, off would come the coversYou need fresh air, its good for you!and, window wide, Ellie would sneak to her mums bed for warmth, but Jane liked her own space and Ellie was often pushed out.
Before, if Ellie cried at night, it was Alan whod tiptoe in, stroke her hair, sing stories. Jane always laughed at thatsaid he was turning soft. Now, it was Gran tasked with calming her, not that she enjoyed it. Shed bark at Ellie, whip off the blanket, and tell her to hush up and toughen up.
Miserable again, El? Gran would say at breakfast, shoving a bowl of porridge towards her. And you feel hot dont tell me youre ill. Has your mum got to take time off again? We need the money, love. Alans off and gone, and bills dont pay themselves! Jane, get up, Ellies caught something again!
Jane and Gran would fuss over her, poking thermometers, forcing medicine down, then Jane would still send her off to nurseryTry not to sneeze too much, El, or theyll send you home. Heres a handkerchiefGran would sit with you, but Ive paid for a trip, cant back out now!
In nursery, Ellie would sit as quietly as a sparrow fluffed up against the coldfalling asleep at naptime straight away while the others whispered and giggled.
So the Clark girls unwell again? the nursery staff gossiped. What can you expect, really. Dads gone, Mums juggling everything, Gran sleeps here, poor mites.
And who picks her up nowadays? Does she ever see her dad?
Not a peepsince the split, really. His loss. Youll hardly ever see the maintenance payments either
The key workers would nod knowingly. Theyd seen it all before.
Alan never picked up Ellie from nursery again. Jane wouldnt let him. Shes my child now, she declared, Alan can only see her if I say so.
Come off it, Jane. You dont love me, fine, but Ellies my daughter too! Alan insisted over the phone, sometimes calling in the evenings, desperate for a chance.
Dont pretend to be Dad of the Year, Alan. Its pathetic! Jane would snap, then go for a cigarette.
Gran June would slide the ashtray closer and repeat, Theres plenty more blokes out there, Jane. Alans not the be-all and end-all.
Soon, Jane was on the prowl. She needed a new shoulder, new arms to wrap around her. Enter Mikewide-shouldered, shifty, tattoos on his fingers.
Jane told him to settle in, cook for him, fluttered around. Mike eyed up the kitcheneyes gleaming, the look of a builder before a renovation. He eyed up Jane too, thin dressing gown clinging.
She caught his gazepredatory, dangerous. That was what she wanted, Jane thoughtstrong and demanding. A real man. He gets what he wants, makes you respect him. Anyone opposing, gone in a flash.
Jane found comfort in being overpowered. Mike dragging her by her hair was just a sign of his masculinity, she decided. When he moved in and asked Gran to clear out, Jane didnt bat an eyelid.
Hes right, Mum! Its our family now. Dont get in the wayI love Mike. Understand? Jane packed her mothers things, even called her a cab. Wait, forgot your toothbrush! HereMike wanted you to have thissome cash, see how thoughtful he is?
Of course, love, of course, Gran June nodded, pocketing the notes. If youre happy, thats all that matters. Those lucky charms did their job, after all!
Love, Jane, Gran would say, is like a big fairgroundyou can find something worthwhile if youre patient. Shed hurried her own marriage too, but at least got rid of Janes dad in timehed drunk himself to death five years ago. Not a soul in the family turned up to the funeral.
Mike was loud, big and, honestly, smelt awful. Ellie feared himso much she wouldnt go to Jane at night, even if she was terrified. Once, she wet the bed after a nightmare; Mike mocked her, Jane laughed. Oh, Mikes always making jokes, El, dont take it to heart! Jane would saynever mind how Ellie sobbed.
Filthy kid! Takes after her dad, does she? Get outyou stink! Mike thundered, thumping a fist on the table as Ellie scurried out, then pulled Jane into his lap, snogging her. Lets have a baby of our own. Ill look after you, promise, he whispered, pawing and squeezing; Jane practically melted. Mike was her tiger, and she was his prey. Tigers bite and roarits only natural.
Jane got pregnant; she was tired all the time, sickly, and Ellie just kept getting under her feet.
Get out! Go to your roomnow! Jane screeched, rushing to be sick again. Ellie would listen to her mum choking behind the bathroom door, hug herself tightly and hide under the table.
If only the weekend would come, and Dad could take her away. Dads place was always silent, sunny, safeGran was wrong: Dad was good. Hed built her a whole village out of matches, gave her toy animals to play withhe never, ever hit her.
Mike would come home, grope Jane, his smoky breath making her wilt. He didnt seem like a proud tiger anymore, just a cold, greedy brute.
Mum, I cant do this. Hes never satisfiedIm exhausted, Im pregnant, hes wearing me down! Jane would sob down the phone to her mum, who barely listened. Mike had shipped her off to a posh retirement home somewheresaid she deserved a break.
Youve got to put up with it, darlingeverything was fine at first! I cant hear you, the lines gone funny Ill ring when I get there! Gran June hung up, tired of Janes whinging. Pregnancy was normal; what was she complaining about?
Today, at last, Alan was allowed to take Ellie out. Jane said it was more convenient. They spent two hours at the zoo, watching monkeys, searching for the elephantfinally, they found it, drenched from the trunks spray, and laughed together. Then they shared hot donuts dusted with sugar. Ellies hands were sticky-sweet, so Alan took her to clean up.
Time for a souvenir. The horse balloon really was beautiful. Alan paid the mantwenty quid for one balloon! The string passed into Ellies fists, and she dashed ahead, her new shoes clacking on the pavement. Dad bought her the best balloon ever and everyone watched, envious.
It felt like Ellies birthday: a new dress, new socks, new cherry-buckle shoes, ribbons, and this perfect balloon.
She strode ahead, glowing. Ill show Mumshes sad a lot now. Maybe the balloon will cheer her up? she told Dad.
Why is Mum sad?
I dont know. Maybe because Mikes mean to her sometimes. Shes also got someone in her tummy. Mike said he made her pregnant. Whats that mean, Dad?
Alans face clouded. He knew about Mike, but not the baby.
So, Dad, whats it mean? Ellie tugged his sleeve.
Its a rude way of saying shes having a baby. Soon youll have a brother or sister. Come on, lets check out the eagles.
They stood, gazing at the giant birds, before Ellie grew tired. Jane had said, bring her back by five.
As if Ellie were some object on loan, to be returned at five sharp. Jane decided when Dad played with her. Mums rules.
Alan helped Ellie into the car, nestled the balloon by her side. She fell asleep on the journey back.
Ellie, wake up, lovewere home. Mind the balloon! Alan stroked her cheek, unclipped her seatbelt, and helped her out.
Alan didnt have a key anymoreunthinkable. He rang the bell for ages. Jane finally opened the door.
She was pale, thin, dark eyes sunken, her hair sticking up everywhereshe used to be so prim.
Youre back, are you? Mike, Ellies here! Go on, get your shoes off and get to your room, she ordered.
Mum, look what Dad got me! Ellie chirped, thrusting the balloon into Janes face. I chose it, Dad bought it, the man untied it, and I held on so tight. Theres a horse! Isnt it pretty?
Jane shoved the balloon aside. I see. Put it away. Stop sticking it in my face! She tried to swat the balloon but missed and smacked Ellies head instead.
Ellie burst out crying.
Jane, what are you doing? The balloon was for you! Ellie just wanted to make you happy! Alan shielded Ellie.
Jane didnt listencrying, stamping, yelling for everyone to leave, saying she hated the balloon, it stank of rubber and rubbish, everything and everyone stank, Alan should just clear off.
Mike appeared in the hallway, shorts half-on, scowling. He strode over and, in a single movement, crushed the blue balloonBANG! Bits flew everywhere.
Ellie screamed, clutching Alans trousers.
Who do you think you are, you animal! Alan shouted, practically shaking with ragehed never hit anyone in his life but nearly forgot himself now. Say sorry to Ellie, right now!
Mike raised a fist, but stoppedstartled. Ellie stood between them, trembling in her little dress, wide-eyed, arms out, whispering she wouldnt let anyone hurt her dad.
Mike scoffed, spat on the floor. Get out, both of you. Jane, go warm up dinner. Im starving. Tomorrow, youre getting rid of that kidlet her dad deal with her! Mike jabbed a finger at Alan.
Jane just sobbed, clutching her hands. How can I get rid of her? Shes my daughter.
I said what I saidif you dont like it, leave. Its my flat, I say who lives here! Mike growled and disappeared.
Jane stood frozen, hands twisting. Alan, I signed the flat over to him, do you see? He convinced me, said hed take care of us if it was in his name. Please, take Ellie, Alan. Please, before he
Ellie was registered at Grans, so had no claim to the flat. Mike had covered every angle.
Jane, what were you thinking? Call the police, kick him outhes harming your child and you do nothing! Hes nothing to you! Alan grabbed her shoulders.
We married two months ago and Im expecting his baby. Just take Ellie for now. Maybe things will settle down Jane handed them a bag.
Ellie was silent, terrified. Mum had thrown her out. First Dad, now her.
Since then, it was Alan who walked Ellie to nursery. The workers nodded to him, told him what a smart, well-behaved little girl he had. They never asked about her mumbest not to pry.
At home, Ellie and Alan made crafts for nurserya zoo of matchstick animals, carefully built together.
Alans whole life seemed made of matchsticksone careless flame, and everything could burn, turn to ash. Hed built so much, tried so hard, and then Jane destroyed it all. Well, now he and Ellie had a new life, not perfect, still unfinished, battered, but Alan was doing his best, and it seemed to be working.
But fire it can strike again. Jane could try to take Ellie back, or Alan could lose his job and theyd have nothing, or Ellie could fall ill, or just stop loving her dadlike Jane stopped loving him in the end. And there was no dome to protect them. All you can do is carry on, cherishing what you have.
Jane would sometimes visit, bringing little gifts for Ellie, hanging about the hallway awkwardly until Alan invited her to dinner. Janes sickness had passed now, and she ate with gusto. Alan cooked so simply, but everything tasted wonderful.
Its nice here, Jane would sigh, hanging around until evening.
She always expected Alan to ask her to stay, hoped, evenbut he never did.
Shed get up, rubbing her huge belly, and Alan would help her into her shoes and coat, walk her down to the taxi.
Dont you get it, Alan? Arent you going to save me? Youre supposed to! Any real man would! Isnt that what you want, an apology? Sorry, alright? Im sorry. Take me back. I want to live with you and Ellie. You ought to! Jane clung to him, pressing her bump into him as if a kiss would melt his heart, as it always had beforebut
I dont owe you anything, Jane. Youre a grown woman. So am I. Youre leaving Ellie with me, then? She doesnt fit your new family. Give my regards to Gran. Sorry, Ellies waitinggot to dash!
Alan helped Jane into the taxi, waved, and walked away. He and Jane had separate lives nowlike two different matchstick houses.
When Jane left hospital with her new baby, Alan ended up collecting her. He fussed around, steadying her steps.
Mike couldnt make it.
Will you stay, Alan? Jane asked as they arrived home. Gran swooped in for the newborn, cooing.
Alan felt sorry for her, that was allhe hadnt loved her for a long time. Now, waiting for him at home, were Ellie and RitaMargaret Evans. Hed met her at the local theatre, where she worked on the box office and Alan was, as usual, dithering over tickets for Ellie.
Try ‘Cinderella’lovely show. My niece adored it, Rita said kindly.
How did you know I had a daughter? Alan smiled.
Youve got dance shoes and glittery clips there. Ballroom or gymnastics? Rita grinned.
Dancing, Alan admitted. The shoes didnt fit, thats why Im swapping them. So, ‘Cinderella’ for the fifth? Its her birthday.
That birthday was special: cake, games, sparklers. Jane called, sent her love, but couldnt visitno one to mind her son. Mike was rarely home these dayssaid Jane annoyed him and he needed space. Gran June was back at her retirement homeMike found her a really nice one, all inclusiveand was renting out her flat, always hustling.
But trouble brewedthere was an investigation.” Police came to see Jane, asking about Mike. She just shrugged; hadnt seen him for ages, but at least hed left some money.
Janes new matchstick house was already ablaze, with nowhere to run. She seemed to have it all, but really, nothing leftjust little Ollie. Maybe, for her, that was a start.
