Love in Spite of Circumstance
– And remember, Ellie, no one will ever love you the way your mother does. No one! No one else needs younot really. Only me! I gave birth to you, I raised you, and I got you on your feet!
– But what about Tom, Mum? I turned around in the mirror, smoothing out my new dress.
– Oh, Tom? Hes just a bloke, darling! Sure, now he fawns over you, wont let you out of his sight. But when youve had a baby and life gets tougher? You think hell still look at you the same way? Of course not! Men never do, my love.
Mum, Maureen, adjusted my dress and stepped back, clicking her tongue approvingly. I had to admit, shed managed wellId grown up a proper girl. She always said she made the right choice, picking my dad, David, instead of Martin, who, although very besotted, didnt have much going for him. Dad was charming, good-lookingeveryone fancied him. The drinking started only after the wedding, but Maureen never tolerated it, and before long we were on our own. So what, really? Single mums are everywhere these days. In the end, she reckoned, Id turned out all the better for ittall, clever, and with a thick plait of golden hair shed fussed over since childhood. She used to forbid me from washing it myself even after I finished school. She made herbal rinses and admired the way the hair streamed through her fingers as she combed it. Id beg her to let me cut it, but shed always refuse, telling me Id be thankful one day.
And, as it turned out, I was. My hair was what caught Toms eye when we met at university. He literally followed me round campus that first day. Later, giggling, I told Mum:
– He didnt even ask my name! Just came right over and asked if he could touch my braid! Is that normal, Mum?
Surprisingly, he was perfectly normal. His familys lovely and they arent exactly strapped for cash. And they have their own flat!
Mum and I had our own place as well, but it was tinynot even big enough to consider splitting, and there was no money for anything better. She always did whatever she could to dress me well and get me into a decent university. I worked hard, but we also needed a tutor, and that cost plenty. Luckily, we found a decent one, unlike some you read abouttake your money for nothing.
I got in, and now here I was, about to get married. Its a bit scary, but what can you do? Im over twenty, its about time Toms a good man, even if Mum grumbles about him. Thats just how mums are, especially future mothers-in-law.
When the doorbell rang, I nearly jumped out of my skin. I glanced nervously at Mum:
– Theyre here
– What are you so jumpy about? Youve met them before! Theres nothing to be scared of.
– No, Mum, you just dont get it. Its different this time…
Honestly, my insides were twisted up tight. Its one thing, popping round to Toms parents for tea, and another entirely to have them come round to talk marriage. His mother, Judith, seems stricta woman who has run her own department for years and raised her boy single-handed. Im a bit scared of her, but I respect her, too. His nan, Dorothy, though, is a sweetheart. She always calls me Ellie-love. We just click.
They arrived with bouquets, chocolates and cakeso English!and the grilling began. Tom and I exchanged glances half the time, and I just wanted to disappear. It was almost like the old days at the market: Youve got the goods; were the buyers! They discussed everything imaginablethe family, my dad, my distant relatives with huge families. Mostly, Judith led the way, while Dorothy nodded along.
I had to stifle a giggle and covered it with a cough so no one would notice. They really used to choose brides like this, didnt they? At least they werent sending me to the village pump! Still, they asked about my health and all my habits.
– Dorothy, how did you end up raising Tom alone?
Mums question was cuttingI could tell she was up to something.
All I knew about Toms dad was that he was a well-known engineer who designed planes or something, but Id never got the full story.
– Toms father died when he was seven. An accident.
Toms mum stared into her tea, darkening with memory.
Mum noticed and changed the subject. We could get to the rest later; there was plenty to be done.
The wedding was just as we wantedquiet, no fuss. We signed at the register office, then had dinner at a little restaurant with just a few close friends and family. Kicking off my shoes under the table, I leaned against Toms shoulder and dreamed of tomorrowthe day Id see the sea for the very first time.
Our family holidays were always at the allotment. Who needed holidays abroad when you had your own little patch of land outside Reading, roses and currant bushes, and two wild apple trees stretching over our little cabin? She hung a hammock between them and would say,
– This is for resting. Weve had enough hard work in town. I dont want you turning out like meback broken in grandmas garden. Enjoy life while you can, Ellie!
Id spend the summer running to the lake with local kids, singing songs by the campfire, and poking baked potatoes in the ashes. I felt free, like Mum wanted.
But classmates told tales of blue seas and high mountains just a days train ride away, and Id dream. Mum would never let me go to a summer camp, let alone the coast. Her answer was always the same:
– And whos going to pay for that, love?
It stung. Thats why I started working as soon as I could, proudly showing off cash to Mum, just to hear,
– Good job! Make sure you stay independent, Ellie. Never rely on anyone else. Then no one will have power over you!
– What does that mean, Mum?
– Youll understand when youre older! shed snap, shaking her head.
I stopped asking and filed her words away for later, imagining them stored in a secret chest Id one day open when the time was right.
Now, finally, Id get to see the sea Id always dreamed about.
The two weeks Tom and I spent on the Cornish coast were a revelation to me. I could gaze for hours at the horizon or splash about in the warm surf. Tom teased me about it, but would sit beside me, holding my hand.
– What else do you dream of? he asked.
It was only months later that I told him my deepest wish, blushing furiously. Tom was floored, but all he managed was,
– Boy or girl?
– How should I know, you daft thing! The doctor cant even say yet.
News of a grandchild was met with excitement on both sides of the family. Mum was over the moon, hugging us both and insisting he be named after her father. Judith just pecked my cheeks and immediately started calling round to get me in with her friend, Dr. Maryone of the best at the local maternity hospital.
– Ill entrust you to Mary. Shes a real professional, and youll be in the best of hands.
I remembered my mothers words: Never let the mother-in-law have control! and tried to object:
– I already have a great doctor, and Im happy.
– That one might see you but wont be there when you give birth. Mary will take care of you all the way through. Its the best maternity unit in the county.
– Why all the fuss? Do you think my baby will be poorly?
– Of course not! I simply believe its better to be prepared. Just think it over and let me know.
After thinking it through, I agreed she had a point.
– Oh, Ellie! Why are you always such a soft touch? Mum was in my kitchen, noisily stirring her tea and clinking the spoon with relish.
– Mum, stopplease. Ive got a killer headache! I was pale as a sheet, nibbling a dry cracker and avoiding the buttercream cake she broughtshe always loved those heavy cakes, which made me queasy. I planned to toss it as soon as she left.
– Headache? At your age? I was as healthy as a horse at twenty-five! All you lot do is moan, honestly. Why did you agree to all this? Now your mother-in-law will know your every health hiccup! Best to keep her in the darkwhat she doesnt know wont hurt her or you. I teach and teach, and nothing sticks!
I didnt dare argue. She might be maddening, but shes still my Mum. Besides, now it was too late and, in truth, Dr. Mary was wonderful: a cheerful, round woman whod gently prod my belly and murmur to both me and the baby:
– All right, my darlings, lets see you grow strong, little one! And you, Ellie, need to look after yourself. I dont like your pulse, and your bloods arent great, but well sort it all out. You ring me for any reasonor no reason. Even if youre just lonely, hear? Anytime. Dont bottle things up! Weve got just one goalyou bringing this precious little mystery safely into the world! Do you want a boy or a girl?
– I really dont mind…
– Sensible girl. Well just hope for a healthy one. If you want another, we can talk about thatlater, not now.
Dennis arrived right on time, though not without drama. An emergency C-section was needed. Still groggy, I demanded to see him and asked the nurse, making all the other mums smile,
– Has he got all his fingers and toes?
After getting homefamily gone, just usI made for the shower, desperate for a moments peace, but Dennis had other ideas. His delicate whimpers became a full-on wail, and as I rocked him I laughed,
– Crikey, youve got a proper pair of lungs!
But as the weeks went on, I repeated it with less and less humour. Dennis cried constantly, never letting me rest. The only respite was outside, walking endlessly with the pram through the park.
Tom, now promoted, was sent on business trips more and more.
– Why not ring Mum for help?
Obvious, really, but I kept quiet. Truth was, I already had, and the answer was never what I hoped for.
– What are you fussing about? I raised you on my own! No grannies, no nannies, and I managed fine. Youre young and strong, whats the problem? Dont become a wrecklook at the state of the place! When did you last clean? The dust is an inch thick! I didnt bring you up to depend on me. Ive got my own life nowtime to get the garden in shape again. When Dennis is older, bring him round. He can run about outside.
– Mum, hes not running anywhere yet. Im shattered. All I dream of is sleep. Please, just for a couple hours a week?
– Ellie, shame on you! Ive got my job, and you cant cope with one baby? Wheres Tom anyway? Whys he not helping?
– Hes working. Its a big job, Mum, he needs to prove himself. Its our future.
– Yes, but stillhe should have some sense of responsibility. Hes a dad now! And youwhy cant you tell him you need help? I didnt bring you up to be this helpless. You should have thought it through before getting pregnant!
– But you always said you wanted grandkids while you were still young!
– And I do! But Ill get involved when theyre older. Youre his motheryoure responsible for Dennis now. I used up all my nerves on you.
– I see. I hurried back to my crying son.
– And dont you dare invite Judith round, got it? Youll never get rid of her! Once you ask for help, shell never let you forget it, and youll end up her slave.
– Why do you say that, Mum?
– Because the first thing shell do is tell you what a useless mother you are, struggling with just one baby.
The words hammered in my head every time my hand hovered over the phone, on the edge of calling for help.
Dennis only became fussier. I took him from doctor to doctor, but every test said he was healthy. As a last resort, I called Dr. Mary.
– Oh, my dear child, but how are you, honestly?
– Not well…
– There you go. He feels your distress. Youre exhausted and wound up, and hes picking up on it. Forget everything elsejust lie down and sleep while he does.
– I cant.
– Why?
– How am I supposed to keep the house in order, cook, and keep up my freelance work? I dont want to lose my job, and I need the experience.
– Ellie, love, youre not a robot. At this rate youll end up with postnatal depression, God forbid. Your son needs a sane mum, not a bundle of nerves. You keep pushing yourself and hell wear you downsoon youll start withdrawing from him. One day, he wont be a baby anymore; hell be into everything, asking a thousand questions a day. How will you cope then?
– I dont want to be a bundle of nerves…
– Then listen to me. You have to look after yourself, too.
I tried to take her advice, but the neighbours started renovationsnow I couldnt even get Dennis to nap at home for the racket. I took us out for long walks, running errands, just to get him some rest.
Then it happeneda day that shook everything I thought I knew about people, especially my mother-in-law.
That morning the neighbours were drilling by seven. Dennis howled, and I swore out loudsomething I never did.
– Hang on, my darling, well go for a stroll soon, just hold on.
Bundling us up, I pushed the pram through the relentless drizzle to the park. Even the little café I liked was closed.
– Thats just my luck…
I sighed, jammed my hands in my gloves and wandered, barely awake. Tom was away again, and the day ahead loomed: doctors appointment, work report due, something to cook I glanced at sleeping Dennis and patted the pram:
– My little man.
Several circuits around the park later, I decided to head back. Amazingly, the flat was quiet. I settled Dennis, threw together the beginnings of soup, and dove into work, clock-watching all the while. The noise started up again just as I finishedproof, at least, that today wasnt destined for complete disaster.
The day flew past. Once Dennis bath was ready, I knelt by the tub, watching him happily splashing.
– Not cold? Lets get the temp just right…
I leant my head to the tubs edge, palm still in the water, and suddenly everything went dark. The room spun, and I lost consciousness.
I woke to someone slapping my cheeks.
– Ellie, wake up, darling! Come on! Oh, where the devil are those ambulance people?
Judith, usually so composed, was shaking me by the shoulders, soaked and frantic, Dennis wailing in the background.
– There we arethank goodness! Hold on, love, helps here.
– What help? What happened? The terror shot through me. Dennis!
– Shush, hes fine! Judith gripped my shoulder and eased me back down. Can you hear him? Hes all right
With a gasp, I clenched the edge of the blanket.
– I could have lost my son.
– Indeed, you could have.
Judiths voice was startlingly calm. I opened my eyes, bracing myself.
– Youre not going to shout at me?
– Why would I shout?
– My mother would.
– I am not your mother, Ellie. And though I want to shout, its not at you.
– At whom, then?
– Why didnt you tell me you were struggling? Why refuse help when you need it? Did you think I was the kind of evil mother-in-law whod torment you just for the fun of it? Is that it?
Slowly, I nodded.
– I see. Thats my fault too, then.
– Yours? I blinked, baffled.
– I should have told you my story, Ellie. Maybe then youd have seen things differently and none of this would have happened.
– Tell me please.
– Now?
– Now. Only, can you bring Dennis to me? Hell settle if hes close.
Judith fetched my son, and as I snuggled him close, she asked,
– Feeling better?
– I think so. What happened? I dont remember much.
– You fainted in the bathroom.
– But how did you get in?
– Ive got a key, love. Didnt you know?
– No. You never just drop in.
– Uninvited? She smiled. I try to respect my sons space. Maybe because no one respected mine, once I learned plenty from my own mother and mother-in-lawmuch of it the hard way. But thats a story for another time. Today, I rang, knocked, calledno answer. But I heard Dennis crying, so I let myself in.
– He could have
– Drowned? I doubt it. That clever little bath of yours has a stand, and he was bellowing so fiercely my ears are still ringing. Hes got a set of pipes, your boy!
– He really does.
– You frightened me, Ellie. I tried for ages to wake you. Even the smelling salts didnt work right away. You simply switched off. You cant go on like this! Youre not aloneyoure not an orphan, living in the middle of nowhere! Why didnt you ask for help? Why must I hear about this from Mary? It makes me feel like a monster. I should have noticedI did nothing
– You dont need to feel guilty. Im the one who wanted to manage alone.
– Stereotypes, Ellie, are dangerous things. Who decided mothers-in-law have to be like wicked witches the moment their sons marry? I went through hell with mine.
– Why?
– Im still not sure. She never really explainedjust barely tolerated me and never missed a chance to criticise. Shed let herself into our home when we were out, while I was looking after her own mother-in-law. That old dear became my closest friend and, when she passed, left me her flat. That didnt endear me to my husbands relatives. By then my marriage was faltering Mums meddling, my mother-in-laws, it was a mess. I had Tom and felt like the worlds worst mother. People told me so often, I started believing it. I was scared to hold my own child in case I dropped him.
She paused, gathering herself.
– Then Dr. Mary came along. A pure accidentshe whacked me on the head with the communal door, and I whacked her right back. Mary has this way of getting through to people, you know? Shes one of lifes listeners, and she forced me to face my fears. I told my mother and mother-in-law to back off. Seven happy years followed before I lost Toms dad in a stupid accident. After that, his mother blamed me for everything and tried to turn Tom against me. I cut all contact but Dorothy, our neighbour, whos been more family than blood ever was. Dorothys the one who helped me raise Tom, watched him while I worked. He calls her Nan, and shes closer to me than my own mother ever was.
She looked out of the window and nodded.
– Ambulance is here. And youll do exactly as they say. If they tell you you need the hospital, youre goingunderstood?
– No, please! What about Dennis?
– Dennis has a grandma. Its time I started being one properly. If you trust me, Ill prove it.
– I do
In the end, they didnt keep me in. The passing spell was put down to exhaustion and the grind of new motherhood. Dr. Mary came over that evening, filled half a notebook with instructions and wagged her finger sternly.
Tom, just back from yet another trip, whispered, watching his mum soothe Dennis:
– I thought you didnt want Mum involved?
– I was being silly.
Six years on, and at the familys old allotment, the whole clan is gathered. Wiping strawberry stains off my daughters face, Ill wag my finger at Dennis:
– Dennis! The cats tail isnt a bell ropeleave her in peace! Go find your grandmothers and ask when youre all off to the lake.
– What about you, Mum?
– Ill be in the hammock, reading, hoping for just a sliver of peace before someones bouncing on my head begging for the moon. Deal?
– Deal! Dennis races off. Grannies! Where are you? I dont want the moon anymoreI just want to go swimming! Ill ask for the moon later. I cant see it now anyway!
