17 March
Mum, Im hungry! Little Molly tugged at my old t-shirt, her eyes wide with need as I rummaged through the kitchen cupboards, shifting around empty bread bags.
I fought back a sigh. The fridge had one lonely pint of milk and three yoghurts. For three children.
Well sort something, darling, I murmured, brushing Mollys hair back out of her face, trying not to let worry show. How about some sandwiches?
But you promised cheese on toast! Mollys pout wobbled.
Like clockwork, Sam and Lizzie wandered in.
Mum, when are we having tea? Lizzie clung to my leg.
I stared into the cupboard: half a loaf left, just a smear of butter, a tin with some salt. There were a few pasta spirals, but nothing to top them with. The children would rather chew on the table than eat plain pasta.
The front door thudded. Andrew.
Evening, he muttered into the hallway, eyes on his shoes.
The children dashed to greet him, but he veered off, disappearing into the loo. He only emerged at supper, sat silently at the table, ate his two sandwiches in total silence, and washed them down with tap water.
We need more food in, I ventured gently, holding out a list. Just the essentials
Andrew barely glanced at the scruffy paper. A flicker of shame in his eyes; gone in a heartbeat.
Fine, he grunted, then shut himself away in the bedroom.
I stood frozen, still holding the list. This was how every day looked, for the last two weeks.
Will Dad get cheese? Sam peered up at me.
Of course, I forced a smile.
My mobile buzzed in my pocket.
Love, how are you all doing? Mum’s voice was tight with worry.
I retreated to the hallway:
Mum, I I dont know what to do. Weve run out of everything. And Andrew he barely seems here at all.
Ill pop over, she said; quiet but unyielding.
No, dont put yourself to trouble, he
Im just passing by. Ill leave something at the door.
An hour later, a carrier bag changed everything. From its side pocket, an envelope with enough cash tucked inside for us to get by.
That night, I woke to the sound of the floorboards creaking. In the kitchen, Andrew slumped over the table, his wallet empty and phone screen dead.
An affair? my mind whispered, but it didnt add up no strange aftershave, no mysterious calls. Just that awful emptiness behind his eyes.
Not long ago, wed planned seaside holidays and hed come home with sweets for the children, wildflowers for me. Then something cracked.
Andrews mobile lit up. He flinched, grabbed it, but didnt answer; just stared until the ringing faded, then pressed his forehead to his hands.
I crept back to bed, panic tightening in my throat. The calls kept coming. What on earth is happening to my husband? And how will I feed the children tomorrow?
In the kitchen, the air was full of the smell of chicken soup Mums rescue parcel meant at least one decent meal. I ladled out bowls while watching the kids. Molly was at the table scribbling pictures, Lizzie and Sam made a pillow fort under the window.
Mum, will Dad be home soon? Molly barely looked up from her drawing.
Same as always, this evening, I answered, but my hand shook over the loaf.
Yesterday, Id noticed something: Andrews boots were impossibly clean. Not a splash of mud, as though he never goes anywhere at all. But then why leave the house every day?
Molly, watch your brother and sister for me, would you? Im nipping to the shop.
On the street, drizzle soaked my coat. I caught sight of Andrew in the distance, walking without much purpose. Keeping a safe distance, I followed.
He didnt head for the bus stop or the station just wandered, pausing now and then by shop windows.
After twenty minutes, he drifted into a small park and dropped onto a bench. I stopped behind a nearby tree, watching him check his phone, his face heavy and grey.
He sat for nearly an hour, unmoving. Eventually he trudged away.
I returned home with a stone in my stomach. I knew now: something awful was happening. Something had to give.
That evening, Andrew arrived from work and had his soup, even complimented it, then wrestled on the floor with Sam for a few minutes. For a second, I glimpsed the old Andrew but the light in his eyes never reached me.
When the children had gone up for bed, I summoned my courage. My heart thundered in my chest.
Andrew, wait a second Where do you actually go all day?
He stopped at the door, didnt turn around.
I go to work. Whats with the questioning?
I saw you in Maple Grove this afternoon. In the park.
He turned slowly, a strange mix of fear and relief on his face.
I I didnt want you to worry, he suddenly blew up, punching the wall so hard I jumped. Damn it! I couldnt just say it!
Say what, Andrew?! I pressed in, my voice cracking.
Ive no job! Havent had one for two months! it burst out. Redundancies whole team gone
My knees gave out for a second. Two months. A lifetime.
Why did you keep it from me?
What was I supposed to say? Hi, love, Im nobody now? Ive been searching! Every day! Everyone turns me down!
But you kept leaving
Because I couldnt bear to watch you open an empty fridge! he screamed, voice breaking. Im supposed to be a provider. Our children are hungry, and I cant do anything! I put all our savings into that blasted project
I took a shaky step closer.
We could have figured things out together
I thought Id sort it quickly, Andrew all but collapsed onto the bed, hands covering his face. They promised theyd help me find something. Stopped answering my calls after a week.
And the last of our money?
Tried investing Lost the lot. Applied everywhere. Been to interviews. No one wants a manager my age, and too terrified Ill run off if I try for something junior.
He lifted red rimmed eyes.
I couldnt face telling you that Id let you all down.
And the phone calls?
Debt collectors his voice trembled. Had to borrow. Thought itd just be for a month or two
The room spun. Not just broke we were in debt. All this time, hed been playing the part while we scrimped and starved.
Why not trust me? My lips quivered.
Because Im a failure, he exhaled, so full of pain my heart squeezed. I promised you everything, and I cant even manage bread and milk.
Well cope, I whispered, barely believing myself.
How?! Andrew lunged to his feet, wild-eyed. Were skirting disaster! I cant even feed my own children!
His shout set Lizzie off. A thin wail drifted from the kids bedroom.
Brilliant, I said through my teeth, leaving the room.
I held Lizzie until her hiccuping tears faded, stomach a knot of anger and fear. Back with Andrew, he sat hunched over on the edge of the bed.
We need to talk, properly no drama, I said, taking a deep breath.
He met my gaze, defeated.
Whats there to say? That Im a useless layabout? That Ive failed the lot of you?
That you havent trusted me, Andrew, I said, my voice shaking for the first time. You pretended for two months while the kids kept asking if youd bring anything home for tea.
At least Mum saw to it that we never actually went to bed hungry.
He looked wounded.
Im your wife. We swore to be together for better or worse. Remember?
I wanted to protect you all, he muttered.
From what, the truth? I shook my head. You didnt protect us. You left us guessing. I thought youd stopped loving us, or found someone else
Andrew flinched.
Never, he managed.
Now I know. But Id rather hurt from the truth than from suspicion.
Silence hung in the air. The childrens bedroom was finally quiet.
So what now? he asked, hollow.
Now, we find a way together, I reached for his hand. How much do we owe?
He told me, voice small. It was a large sum, but not impossible.
All right. Well ring my parents in the morning. Theyll help with the first payment.
No! Andrew snatched his hand away. I wont go begging from your folks.
But youll borrow from loan sharks? I glared at him. You can keep playing the proud man and see us sink, or accept that sometimes you need help. Which is it?
He stared at me as if he barely recognised me.
I dont want to be a burden.
Youre only a burden if you stop trying, I shot back. Are you ready to fight?
Of course, a little flame flickered in his eyes. Ill take any job. No one will have me.
Any job? I stared him down. Really, Andrew?
He looked caught.
Not construction or heavy lifting you know my back
I havent forgotten. Im thinking deliveries. Remember Paul, Kates brother-in-law? Said theyre desperate for couriers.
Couriering? With my degree? My experience?
With all that, were still skint and hungry, I cut in. You can do deliveries for a while, or keep up this lie until were on the street.
I left for the kitchen, anger and heartache twisting inside me as my hands shook pouring water into a glass.
The next days were drawn out and silent, Andrew lost in thought for hours, me running from school run to nappy change to counting coins for bread. Mums cash thinned each day, and the future loomed dark and shapeless.
On the fourth day, Andrew rose before dawn, dressed in a clean shirt, and met my eye at the door.
Im off. Ill find something, I promise.
He pecked me on the forehead the first time in weeks then hugged the children each in turn. Mollys face was alight:
Dads home again!
His own eyes shimmered.
I didnt ask where he was headed, just watched the door close and felt a strange mix of relief and fear.
The day dragged until, finally, as I started to despair, the front door clicked. Andrew stood in the hall, worn out and splattered with rain, but his eyes shone with new hope.
Started at the delivery firm, he said, pulling rumpled notes from his coat pocket. Not much yet, but its a start.
He offered up the money.
For tea and groceries.
He paused in the hallway, looking like a sheepish boy.
Im so sorry, Anna. Please forgive me.
I was silent a long time. Inside, I was boiling with anger, worry even, I had to admit, love. At last I managed:
I love you. But I need time. Lets try, lets actually try to make things better.
Andrew nodded, a single tear spilling down his cheek. At once, the children surged from their room, tumbling about his legs.
Dad, have you brought pasta? Sams eyes sparkled with hope.
Ill bring it tomorrow, promise and loads more, Andrew replied, crouching down. Lizzie clung to his neck, Molly danced round them.
Will you draw me a princess, like you used to? Molly begged.
Ill draw you the best princess yet, and he smiled a real, true one for the first time in months.
He caught my eye over their heads. I saw it all: regret, gratitude, and determination.
For the first time in so long, warmth flickered in the house again. The problems debts, temp work, shaken trust hadnt vanished, but we were a family again.
Later, after the kids fell asleep, Andrew and I sat at the kitchen table as equals, charting our rescue mission. We wrote a list of debts, a plan for payments, and discussed involving my parents strictly as a temporary measure with terms for payback.
Andrew recounted his first day:
Hard graft and hardly glamourous, but everyones in the same boat. Met a chap today who used to be a finance director. Hes been doing this for half a year. Says, at least the kids dont go hungry.
Youll manage, I squeezed his hand. We will.
I could see how every new delivery hurt his pride, but he insisted.
Andrews phone now buzzed a different tune notifications for new orders. This not banking, not business was our new reality. For now.
Just know this, I whispered at bedtime, what matters is honesty and that were truly together. No more pretending.
For the first time in sorely too long, we slept with our hands entwined. Life would be hard, trials lay ahead. But we were a family again facing it all side by side.
