Beloved

Sweetheart

Love, Mum seems to be feeling better now. How about we go home? Let her get some rest.

Helen seemed to be asking a question, but it didnt sound like one. And is this how Ill be living forever… really, forever?

Helen, I told you Id stay the night at my parents. Why are you here, then? Keeping an eye on me?

Helen must have picked up on something in my voice. Something unfamiliar, like the shrill warning of a smoke alarm. The whole situation was just… off.

Tom, pass me the screwdriver! I shouted down from the stepladder.

We were fixing the lights at the primary school. My workmate, Michael, was supposed to be waiting at the bottom, spotting me and handing up tools as needed.

Here you are, said Michael, but it was a womans voice, and suddenly a screwdriver was pressed into my hand.

The shock nearly sent me tumbling down.

I screwed the fitting in hurriedly and climbed down as fast as I could. I was in luckthe owner of that clear, bell-like voice hadnt left yet. Michael was nowhere to be seen.

Wheres Michael got to? I asked the woman.

She smiled mysteriously. I asked him if he could fix a plug socket in my classroom.

Hell be for it, I said, faking sternness. He really shouldnt have left the ladder.

Im Zoe. she held out her hand. And you?

Her confidence caught me off guard, but I collected myself quickly. Alex.

I was going to ask if well, if I could have your number. Do you take private jobs?

Our firm was replacing the electrics at St. Georges Primary, under a council contract. Zoes question stumped me slightly, perhaps because I found her rather attractive, and instead of getting my head around what she was asking, I just stared. More than thatI couldnt take my eyes off her.

She looked at me, clearly expecting something. Ah! Rightan answer.

What do you mean by private jobs?

Electrical repairs in peoples homes, Alex. Zoe smiled, a twinkle in her eye. Like for a flat, say.

I mumbled something about the manager, contracts, methods of payment. Just then, Michael reappeared.

Your plug sockets sorted, Miss Willoughby. Would you like to check it?

Zoe, having patiently listened to my nervous rambling, turned to Michael and nodded briskly.

Come along then. I’ll take a look.

Off they went. Typical! Looks like somethings starting there. Thats always how things begin for sparks: with a repaired socket.

Michael was always single. He could use someone like Zoe. Whereas me, I had a fiancée alreadyHelen. Though my mum insisted I was making a mistake.

Why a mistake? I just didnt get it.

Helen is very practical. Quite controlling. Shell manage you your whole life, plan everything out. Why couldnt you find someone a bit softer… youre such a kind soul.

Truth be told, nobody in my family fancied Helen. Mum actively disliked her, Dad just quietly agreed. Even my matesif I turned up anywhere with her, Id rarely be invited back, or Id hear, Turn up on your own next time, yeah? And as almost every spare moment was spent with her, my social life suffered.

Michael and I finished up and loaded the tools and supplies into the van.

Whyd you leave me hanging today? I asked suddenly. You know, I couldve bloody well fallen. Kids were running about everywhereit couldve been a nightmare. If youd fancied the teacher, you could have just said. As long as I wasnt thirty feet in the air at the time.

Michael looked at me as if Id lost it. You think she fancied me? She wanted you! She called me over, asked me to look at the socket, promised shed watch you in case you needed anything.

Seriously?

Alex, the only thing wrong with that socket was a loose screw.

Blast! So thats why she was going on about private work… And I stood there boring her with business procedures.

I was quiet for a moment, then said, Shes lovely, yes. But Im marrying Helen.

Michael just shook his head. Might as well have called me an idiot.

That night, as I slept beside Helen, I dreamed of Zoe. In my dream, she stood at the front with a pointer, looking altogether differentlike a rather flirtatious schoolmistress. Tapping the desk, she called out:

Mr Parker, to the board!

Up I went, muttering about contracts and client protocols. Zoe gave me a stern look and cut me off:

Enough, Parker! Sit down. Youve failed to learn your lesson. Ill need to keep you back after school.

And what will we do in detention? I asked glumly.

Zoe leaned in, and all I could see was her elegant figure.

Change the lightbulbs! she shouted, and I jerked awake.

Alex, what are you shouting for? I have work tomorrow! Helen groaned. First you insist on watching horrors at night, then you yell your head off in your sleep!

Apparently, I hadnt just flinchedId yelled. Helen grumbled on, half asleep, saying when we were married wed watch proper romantic films like any normal couple. I suddenly felt hollow. Mums words echoed inside me: Shell plan your whole life. Helen had already mapped out our entire viewing schedule.

Next day at lunch, instead of eating like any sane person, I dashed over to St. Georges. The caretaker barely recognised me.

Left my tools. Need to collect them, urgent.

He reached for the phoneprotocol meant someone from management had to fetch me inside and decide if I could go in. Looked like my plan was going nowhere. Then I heard that unmistakable melodic voiceso much clearer than in my dream.

Barry, let him through. Ill take responsibility. And Ill bring him back.

Right you are, Miss Willoughby. The caretaker put the phone down.

We walked up to her classroom. Biology charts hung from the wallscells, fabric patterns, nature, evolution. I read random facts off the posters, wondering why Id bothered coming.

Alex, was there something you wanted to say? asked Zoe, searching my face.

I looked down, slightly ashamed. At least I could see for certain now: Zoe, in real life, and Zoe the dream-mistress, were two separate people. She looked ordinary, yet she radiated warmth and gentleness. I swallowed hard.

Is the socket working? I asked.

That and every light you fixed. Thank you. Zoe gave me a smile.

Michael said you liked me.

At that moment, I didnt just feel in a classroomI felt neck deep in icy water, floundering.

Well… I hoped you might work it out. Zoe sighed.

So its true…

We fell silent.

So what needs doing at your place? I asked.

You can be honest now. Zoe took my hand. Dont drag it out.

Im getting married soon. I admitted.

I see It happens. There’s even a song about it: Black and White.

Dont think I know it…

Im sure you do. Its from an old film. Thatll Be The Day.

Suddenly, I understood. It was my mums favourite film. She used to sing along. It was about choiceslife was about choices. I was ashamed to realise Id never watched it begin to end.

No. Id have chosen differently, with you…

But youre getting married. She grabbed her bag. Ive nothing more after lunch. Time to go.

I can give you a lift. I croaked.

Zoe lived just a few doors from the school. She could easily have declined my offera lift round the corner!but she didnt. We sat together in my car, saying nothing. And I felt wonderful just sitting there in silence, close to her. But time pressed on, I had to get back to work.

I should go.

She turned to me. Thank you.

Thats nothing… its just a lift.

No. Thank you. she repeated. For being honest.

And she left. For the first time, I truly regretted ever planning to get married.

That evening, I rang Mum and asked her to cover for me if Helen called to check up, telling Helen that Mum was feeling poorly and I needed to spend the night there. And off I went… to Mums.

Whats brought this on? Mum asked, feeling my forehead. Youre not coming down with something?

Just need to think, Mum. Mind if I use my old room tonight?

As far as Im concerned, you could move back in for good!

I kissed her on the temple and hugged her.

Sorry, Mum, for exploiting your health. Stay well, yeah?

Oh, I understand! Otherwise youll never shake her off…

Thats true. Mum never did take to Helen.

I lay there on the old sofa, staring at the ceiling. Why does life take us down such mazy paths? All through my teens, Id been shy around girls. Then I met Helenshe swept me up. Well, why not? I didnt drink much, I worked hardsparkies can always earn a crust. In fact, Id just been promoted to assistant manager. Not so bad a catch.

And in turn, I thought Id lucked out with Helen: pretty, hard-working, reliable. Yes, strong-willed enough to lead a small army, but what of it? Most mates I knew were under their wives thumbs and didnt seem to mind, if the wife was a good one. Helen wasnt the dramatic type. Shed shown her true colours long before the weddingor had she?

No, this story isnt about her. Its about the moment you think youre on a straight road, when suddenly, youre lost in a tangle. Its about meeting someone who makes silent company feel wonderful. And what do you do about that? Pretend it never happened? Or risk everything youve built for a fleeting moment of perfect calm?

Mum popped her head round the door, asked if I wanted supper. I had no appetite at all. She paused by the door. Want to tell me whats on your mind?

Not now, Mum

Maybe I could help?

Mum!

Im leaving, Im leaving, she laughed.

Then the doorbell rang. I heard Helens voice, fussing about medicine, groceries, and doctors. Inside, my anger blazed. This wasnt a mazethis was a trap.

I walked out to the lounge.

Love, I reckon Mums better now. Shall we head home? Let her rest.

Helen pretended to ask, but it wasnt a real question. And it hit meif I go through with this, itll always be this way.

Helen, I told you, Im staying here tonight. Why did you come? Checking up on me?

She mustve heard something new in my voice, a note of warning. She froze, just for a heartbeat. I took advantage, ducked past into the hall, putting on my shoes.

Are you going to let me think, for one day?

And I left.

Mum afterwards said she had the devils own job getting Helen out the door. Helen kept trying to find out what was wrong, what on earth I was thinking, and what could have changed so quickly.

Helen, love, best if you head home. I need some peace, Im not well.

But Im not in the way. Ill just sit here in case you need me.

Even Mum started to feel sorry for Helenshe didnt know what had happened. I told no one.

I drove to Zoes house, the same place Id dropped her earlier. Wed never even swapped numbers, and I didnt know which flat was hers. Luckily, the block was small, and I remembered her entrance. In only three flats I was turned awaysuspicious neighbours wouldnt say which one belonged to the teacher, Miss Willoughby. One older lady even threatened to ring the police. I was about to give up, mourning the reputation of poor Zoe, when the next door opened and Zoe herself stood there.

Thank goodness! I cried. One more neighbour and Id have lost my nerve.

Zoe ushered me in. She sniffed at me suspiciously.

I dont drink! I protested. Im perfectly sober.

I can see that. Whats happened?

Are you alone?

No.

No? Sorry…

Im not alone. Im with you, she smiled. I was alone; now youve arrived, I have company.

We kissed for a long time, first by the door, then in her room, then on the bed. It was all wordless. There was nothing to say; there was only feeling.

Tell me I said.

Tell you what?

What did you think, the first time you saw me?

Zoe rolled onto her side, looking me in the eyes.

Are you awfully vain?

Im an electrician. You’re a teacher.

What a grand mismatch! Zoe gasped.

We cracked up laughing.

And then she told me. How she saw me and her heart had raced, as though it was trying to drop her a hint. Who, if not a teacher, knows about hints? How shed waved Michael over, whispering so I wouldnt hear, sent him to fix her socket. How he guessed straight away, his winking clumsy but genuine, and that made it not at all awkward. And how Id completely missed it, explaining at length how to book jobs through our company.

Then we were silent again. And that quiet between usthat stillnessfelt real and lasting, not fleeting. Just right: talking, or not talking. Falling asleep together, waking by each others side.

I broke up with Helen the next day. Fair play to hershe didnt make a scene. Just said she despised me, and Id ruined her life.

I never meant to. Sorry, I muttered.

Hmm. she replied, shutting the door in my face.

Mum warned me not to get too comfortable. Someone like Helen doesnt give up so easily.

Just wait, shell be lurking, with a bottle of bleach for Zoe Mum fretted.

Zoe, on the other hand, Mum loved. So did all my mates.

Six months later, Zoe and I marriedan electrician and a schoolteacher. Were genuinely happy. And contrary to Mums worries, Im not always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe Im just a happy fool, or maybe Helen was a better person than most thought. Good, but not my good. And Zoeshe is mine. My one and only. My love.

And if Ive learnt anything, its this: life has a way of guiding you to those youre meant to be with, if only youre honest enough to listen to your own heart. Happiness isnt found in following the plans of others. Sometimes, the right silence, shared with the right person, speaks louder than all the worlds promises.