Dear Diary,
What are you up to? Im asking youwhere have you gotten yourself into?
My brother Maxs sudden, angry shout ripped me out of a morning daze. I propped myself on my elbows in the narrow guestroom bed, straining to hear what was happening beyond the thin plaster wall. For the past fortnight Id been staying with Max in his flat in Manchester while I hunted for a job and a place of my own. The move had been a struggle, but there was no other optionback home in my little hometown there were no prospects.
A sharp wail of a baby shattered the quiet. Fourmonthold Tommy had woken up after his parents argument. I winced and slipped my robe tighter around me.
Ive got an interview, Lena, Maxs wife, murmured weakly from the kitchen.
An interview? Are you out of your mind? Max roared. Youve got a newborn! What work could you possibly think of? Your place is at home, with the child!
I waited for Lenas response, but the flat fell silent apart from Tommys continued cries. Then the front door slammed shut. Lena was gone.
I padded into the kitchen, where Max stood in the centre, awkwardly rocking the squalling infant. His face was a mix of fury and helplessness.
Thats how it always goes, he muttered when he saw me. She abandons the baby and runs off to her own affairs.
Without a word I took Tommy from Maxs arms. The little one gradually steadied, burying his cheek against my shoulder. Max sank heavily onto a chair, rubbing his face with both hands.
Lenas lost her mind, he kept on, staring at nothing. How can she leave a child and think about a job? At least my holiday has started, so I can look after Tommy.
I rocked the baby gently, chewing over his words.
Max, maybe you should have a calm chat with Lena, I suggested softly. No shouting. Perhaps shes dealing with somethingpostnatal depression is common. She might need professional help.
He waved me off as if Id been a nuisance.
Depression? No, Lenas always been a freespirit, a careerchaser. I hoped that after the baby shed settle down, become a proper mother. She doesnt seem keen on changing. She doesnt care about the child!
I wanted to argue, but I stayed quiet. Finally Tommy fell asleep, and I carefully placed him in his cot.
Lena only returned at dusk. I was putting Tommy to bed when I heard the lock click. She slipped past the nursery without looking inside. I stepped into the hallway and saw her silently preparing a dinner for herself in the kitchen. Max, deliberately, kept his distance, perched on the sofa with the telly on.
The atmosphere grew unbearable. I hurried back to my room and dialed mum.
Mum, you wont believe whats happening here, I whispered, recounting the days events.
Mum sighed heavily on the other end.
Olivia, Lenas been like that since the baby arrived. Max has complained to me many times. It seems her motherly instincts never woke up. Poor boy, it must be terrible for him. And a baby with a live motherwell, I cant even imagine what he feels
After that call I lay in bed for ages, trying to make sense of it all. Lena, before she was pregnant, had been a sweet, caring woman. Max was head over heels for her. And now she was cold toward her own child, toward her husband. Something was deeply wrong.
Lena started disappearing for whole days, leaving Max alone with the infant. He took Tommy to the shops, on walks, trying to juggle the baby with the household chores. I helped where I could, but I knew this couldnt go on forever.
A week later Lena came back, eyes bright for the first time Id seen them. She actually smiled.
Ive got a job, she announced at dinner.
Max froze, spoon halfway to his mouth, his face turning a shade of panic.
Youre joking, arent you? he snapped. Youve got a fourmonthold! You should be looking after him, not running around offices!
She replied coldly, Its my life.
He leapt up, shouting, Youre selfish! All you think about is yourself! Thats not right! Youre a mother; your place is by the child!
Lena shut herself off, retreated to the bedroom without a word. We never saw her again that night.
The next morning Max and I took Tommy for a stroll in the park. Max pushed the pram, still grumbling.
Look at how she treats him. Our own son, and shes indifferent, he said, watching the sleeping baby. She never picks him up, never kisses, never hugs. What kind of mother is that? Not a mother at allmore like a cuckoo!
I stayed silent, unsure what to say. I felt sorry for Max, but something inside told me the story was far more tangled than it seemed.
When we got back home a couple of hours later, the flat was oddly quiet. I flicked on the hallway light.
Lena? Are you home? I called.
No answer. I walked through the roomsempty kitchen, vacant living room. Max, clutching Tommy, headed toward the bedroom. I heard him gulp sharply and rushed after him.
He stood before the open wardrobe, half the shelves empty. Lenas things were gone.
Shes left Max croaked, his voice hoarse.
He slumped onto the bed, still holding the baby, his shoulders trembling.
Ungrateful! After everything I gave herthis flat, love, marriage, a child! he wailed. She just walked away!
I sat beside him, trying to calm him, while a cold dread settled over me.
Max, what really drove her to this? Tell me honestly what happened between you two.
His eyes flashed red, then he fell silent, gathering his thoughts.
The pregnancy was a surprise, he finally admitted. Lena didnt want a child. She said she wasnt ready, that she wanted to focus on her career. I pushed her, said we were both thirtysomething now, time to settle down, have a family. She agreed, but after the birth she never loved him. I hoped motherhood would change that, that shed bond with the baby. It didnt. She just pulled away more.
The picture Id built of Lena crumbled instantly. Id thought she was merely difficult, but the truth was harsher: shed been forced into motherhood she never wanted.
Max I could barely get a word out.
A few days later Maxs holiday ended. He returned to work, dumping the care of Tommy onto me. I didnt protestafter all, the little one was innocent in all this.
A week passed. One morning Max burst in, waving some papers.
Shes filing for divorce! he shouted. She wants to give up parental rights to Tommy! She said on the phone that if I wanted the child, I should look after him myselfshes got a job, a flat, she can manage. She doesnt need this!
I kept rocking the baby, listening to his tirade, and each day I understood Lena a little more.
The following week I was almost alone with the infant. Max came home exhausted, ate dinner, and collapsed onto the bed. Weekends he slept or watched telly. All the rest fell on my shoulders. I began to see why Lena had fledMax did nothing around the house, never helped, only demanded.
Then finally good news arrived for me: Id landed a job. I found a modest onebedroom flat near the office. I was ready to move out of that chaotic house. Max didnt like the news.
Youre abandoning us too! What about Tommy? Who will look after him? How can you just leave? he demanded.
I met his stare calmly. I repeated what Lena had said to me:
You wanted the child, Max. Then you look after him yourself. Dont shift the responsibility onto others.
Now, in my new flat, Im arranging my belongings. The quiet here soothes the echo of weeks filled with baby cries and Maxs outbursts. I pulled out an old photo of Max and me as children, both grinning, and ran my finger over it, thinking how even the people we idolise can disappoint. My brother, once my hero, turned out to be selfish, breaking his wifes life. Lena, once judged by everyone, was merely protecting herself.
I placed the photograph on the shelf and turned away. A fresh start lies aheadmy own life to live.
Lesson learned: we must not let others dictate our worth or our responsibilities; true responsibility lies in facing reality, not in blaming or abandoning.
