Stepmother
I just dont get it! Shes got food, clothes, a roof over her headeverything! So why does she act like that? Why the attitude? Jane tossed the half-ironed shirt onto the sofa, perched beside her husband, and grabbed his hand. Oliver, you need to do something. I cant split myself in two. Ive got Andy, and all the time I waste dealing with Poppys shenanigans could be spent with him! Please, help me!
Help you how? What am I supposed to do? I barely see the kids as it is. I cant just change my shiftsyou know that. Only way is to quit, but then, until I find another job, Andy won’t get what he needs.
No! Thats not an option! You know perfectly well if you stop now, everything goes tits up. What would be the point of those three years of effort? Everything resets. Were so closejust a bit more and hell be almost… normal.
He is normal! Oliver exploded, shaking off her hand and standing up. And I dont want to hear otherwise!
Yes, yes, sorry! Jane buried her face in his shirt and finally broke down in tears.
Come on, dont cry. Oliver hauled her upright and hugged her. Ill have a chat with Poppy. But you have to promise me something as well.
What?
Dont be so hard on her. I know shes not your own, but youve raised her for years. Surely you feel some attachment? Youve done a good job, honestly. Shes a decent girlall things considered. Maybe its just her age. People say all teenagers are a bit off their trolleys. Maybe she just needs time.
Ill be the one going round the bend, if we give her time Oliver, Im trying, but Im running on empty.
I get it
Poppy could hear her parents talking in the lounge, but couldnt make out the words. Silently, she pieced together bits of Lego for her brother and mulled over the fact that Jane was whining about her to Dad again. Which meant no nice catch-up chat about her weekshed just sit through another lecture about behaviour and responsibility. Dad would be upset, then off on the road again, and she still wouldnt get to tell him about Matthew. About being walked home by him, and how the girls had had a go because of it. Poppy sighed. Dad would have given proper advice. He always understood. Hed been the only one she could really talk to ever since Chloe left. She had no other friends besides Chloe. She smirked, remembering how theyd first met.
Who do you think you are, Queen of the school or something?
Obviously!
Forget it. You just lost your spot.
Lost your slippers as well, did you?
The whole class witnessed it. Poppy hadnt understood at first why the new girl threw down the gauntlet like that, but Chloe explained lateronly room for one stunner at school, and you either fight or become friends. They chose the latter.
Poppy really was a striking girlshe got her looks from her mother. Shed stare at photos of Mum and imagine how theyd look together now, almost like sisters, if only But Mum had died just after Poppys third birthday. Far too soon, far too little time, hardly any memories at all. That irked her mostwhenever she tried to recall something about Mum, all she could hear was Janes voiceher tone, her mannerisms, nothing of her real mother.
Jane had raised her since Poppy turned four. Dad met Janea young, pretty nurse at the local surgeryjust half a year after Mums passing, and by accident really. Jane had come to see the feverish little girl at the doctors request.
Theres a dad doing his best with a girl, but hes on his own. Needs help. Gave her some jabs, lets hope she recovers before it turns into something nasty.
Jane came, stayed the night while Poppys temperature spiked, and never left.
Poppy slid the Lego instructions closer and handed Andy a piece shed hidden behind her textbook. Here, take this!
Andy looked up, his brown eyes just like Dads, all bitter chocolate and mischief. Why are you looking so glum?
Oh, nothing, just in a rubbish mood.
Whatll make it better? Want me to sing for you?
Heavens, no! Poppy blurted a laugh.
Andy, bless him, couldnt carry a tune in a bucket. Some very large, rather clumsy bears mustve stepped all over him the day he was bornat least, thats the only explanation. Singing was his greatest passion, but Poppy had suffered through enough of his concerts when he was youngermercifully, Andy twigged that no one enjoyed his singing quite like he did, so the performances had fizzled out. Now he only offered to serenade Poppy if she seemed low, just to tease.
Missing Chloe?
Yeah. And not just that.
Mum had a go at you again?
Andy!
What? I overheard, thats all.
Why werent you asleep?
I was, but you were being loud. What was it this time?
Nothing.
Poppy turned away, blinking back bitter tears. Why did things have to be so awful? She hadnt done anything wrong! Shed just told Jane she had a physics test tomorrow and needed to revisethat the dishes could wait. Hardly a crimecreating a storm in a teacup over something so silly! Okay, maybe shed snapped at Jane, but Jane could be a piece of work herself. Andy was treated like her own, but her Poppy bit her lip. Why was she the odd one out? Why did Mum have to leave her so soon? If Andy had been Mums child, shed never have made the distinction. How could anyone split kids into favourite and not-so-favourite? Then again, even Chloe had explained that to her.
Forget about it! Parents play favourites with their own kids all the time. My mum dotes on my baby sister, and Im just there. Doesnt mean Im crying into my cornflakes, does it? You overthink things, Im telling you. At least you understand your situationyou’re the healthy one, your brothers the poorly one. Of course he gets more fuss, and youre expected to cope.
Well, doesnt mean I dont need any attention, Poppy huffed, glaring at her friend, who frankly should have understood.
Of course you do. But Jane is only human. Shes got enough on her plate dealing with Andy; you cant expect her to start dancing round you as well. And lets be realshes not exactly the wicked stepmother sending you into the woods every day for snowdrops, is she?
No
Well then, stop moaning! So what if you have to walk Andy or pop round the corner for a loaf?
Youre missing the point entirely! Poppy fumed.
I get you, I do. You want sympathy? Thats what Im for. Jane well, Poppyshe doesnt owe you love, if you get me. Not everyone can accept someone elses child as their own, especially not if theyve got a sick one.
You think she resents me for being healthy? Poppy said, airing the fear shed kept buried for ages.
No idea. Maybe, maybe not. I cant read her mind. But I can tell you one thing for certainshes not the worst you could have ended up with.
Why dyou say that?
Chloe gave a theatrical tap to Poppys brand new gold earrings.
Theyd been a birthday present from Dad and Jane. Poppy had wanted them for ages but never mentioned itknew full well how pricey they were. Just once, trailing past a jewellery counter at the shopping centre, shed stopped and stared.
Like them? Jane, pushing Andys pram, had doubled back to ask.
No! Poppy snapped, marching off, but Jane just shook her head, amused.
She found the red heart-shaped box on her pillow on her birthday morning. She sat a long while, turning it over, unable to open it. Everyone was still asleep, apart from Andy, wriggling and muttering in his dreams. Then he woke, rolled towards her.
Seen it yet? he squinted suspiciously.
Not yet.
So open it! Im awake now.
That earnest logic made her grin. She lifted the lid and gasped. The very same earrings shed adored.
The dancing oneswith those little stones, whatre they called
Diamonds.
Yeah! Like them? Andy pulled himself up, sitting tall.
Love them Suddenly her throat tightened.
Oi! No tearsnot today! Its your birthday! Andy lunged to hug her but collapsed back on his pillow, thwarted. Mum and I worked hard, you know.
No, Im not crying! Wouldnt dream of it! Here, Ill try them on and you tell me if they suit.
Poppy never did find out where Dad and Jane dug up the money for such an expensive present, but there they were: tiny, sparkling stones glinting by her face. So, Chloe had a point.
Poppy jumped as her dad poked his head into the room.
Pops, could I have a word?
Andy looked up and grabbed her hand. Youre not gonna cry, are you?
Poppy shook her head, following Dad from the room.
In the kitchen, they sat in silence, watching the steam curl up from their teacups. Normally, the kitchen felt like sanctuary, but tonight Poppy just wanted to boltno words, no chat, just, please, let her disappear.
Pops Oliver started then faltered. For a split second, he imagined it was Marinaher motheropposite him, teacup trembling in her slender hands. When had she got so grown up? And why hadnt he noticed before how much shed come to resemble her mum?
His time with Marina had been shorta whirlwind courtship, half a year, marriage, and then Poppys birth. Marina followed him to his town, leaving behind her own mum and gran.
Youre my family now, shed said.
A short family life, a new baby girl and, suddenly, Marina was goneso sudden, so unfair. For months, Oliver saw the world in slow-motion, haunted by the day a mate from the depot had flagged him down.
Oi, whats up with your radio?
No idea, mate, playing up again.
You need to head home. Brought you a relief driver. Good thing you werent miles away
Then Oliver was sat on the bench outside their flat, cradling his babypassed to him by a kindly neighbourmurmuring over and over, She never complained about her heart
Little Polly squinted sleepily, blissfully ignorant that her life had just been split in two.
Pops, he said, reaching out to hold his daughters hand.
What, Dad? You gonna tell me off?
No. Strangehe realised he simply didnt have the energy for that. Just wanted to ask
What? Poppy narrowed her eyes.
Hows things going in general?
As he watched the tears streaming down his very grown-up daughters face, Oliver felt sure hed start blubbing too in a moment. He was cluelessdidnt know how to talk to her, or what to say, let alone fix anything. But he knew one thing: there was no way he could choose between his wife and his daughter. Hed have to figure out a truce between them somehow.
Dad Poppy finally dried her eyes and looked up. Sorry. Ill try!
Alrighty then. Now tell mehows school? And Chloe? Does she write? Hows her nan? Any better yet? Whens your mate coming back?
Not for ages. Things are grim, Dad. Looks like Chloes stuck up there for the long haul. Her mum says her nans her cross to bear. Raised her, now Chloe has to see her through.
And Chloes alright?
Shes greatway better than me. Manages to study and look after her nan. She moans, but mostly for effect. Misses us, though
How about you?
I miss her too Dad, why is it? Why does everyone I love leave me?
He clenched his hand round the mug so hard it hurt.
Pops! Thats not true!
Isnt it? Mum, Chloe Whos next?
No one. Were here. All of us. Dont even let that cross your mind, dyou hear?
Poppy nodded, but Oliver could tell the dark clouds were going nowhere. Desperate to lighten the mood, he glanced round and asked in a stage whisper, So, whats this about whats his name Matthew?
Poppy flushed crimsonOliver grinned. At last, a safe topic. Seeing her do the old familiar eye-roll, he sagged back in his chair, relieved. Go on thenspill the beans!
They sat there for hours, talking and laughing. Meanwhile, Jane, by now done with ironing, had settled Andy in bed and collapsed herself, knowing this was one conversation she absolutely mustnt interrupt. Lying in the dark, she replayed the week: the row with Poppy, the summons to school about her skipping classeswhich shed kept from Oliverand wondered if mentioning it now would help. No, she decided; Olivers talk should do the trick. If it didnt stricter measures would be in order. What sort, she hadnt a clue. If it was her own child, shed know. But Poppy wasnt, and that fact always gave Jane pause. No, she didnt pity Poppycontrary to what people whove never been in her shoes would imagine: you poor orphan, you got stuck with a wicked stepmother Not at all. Jane didnt pity Poppy because there was no need to pity a child who was alive and healthy and ought to live her own life, not be forever marked as the orphan. Who would know better than Jane herself? Shed grown up bouncing between foster homes until she met the only woman she ever called Mum.
Her mother had Jane in prison, a stupid drunken brawl ending a young life. Jane barely recalled, but after that disastrous New Years party, shed spent her childhood in childrens homes and foster families. She never saw her mother again.
First family took her at four, gave her back at sixthe foster mum had twins and couldnt cope with a third. Jane, baffled, watched her favourite doll taken away and was shipped back to the childrens home. Then came the second family. She stayed longer, until she was tenthen foster mum divorced and got ill, and Jane was returned again. After that, she stopped trusting anyone. She remembered the last words the woman said: Sorry, love, youre on your own now
It stuck with her all her lifeher motto, so to speak. After that, she didnt expect help. Fought so hard in care that people left her alone, calling her trouble.
When, six months later, Nadia appeared, Jane refused even to speak to her.
Then Ill do the talking and you listen, Nadia had said.
Nadia told tales of life in the country, the farm, the people, how her new siblings were keen to meet her.
Rubbish! Jane shook her head, Youll send me back, just like the others.
And if we do, at least youll have seen a different lifebetter than sitting here?
No!
The argument dragged on half a year, then another year before Jane dared call Nadia mum. She remembered clearly the animal terror shed felt, always wary Nadia would send her back or, worse, that something would happen to her. Once shed found a little religious icon on Nadias attica battered thing, hardly recognisableand shed squirreled it away in the barn, sneaking off in spare moments. She had no idea how to pray. Shed just put it in front of her and whisper over and over the line she had once heard somewhere:
Keep her safe, please! Keep her safe for me!
Whether or not anyone heard, Jane didnt know, but she desperately wanted to believe. Nadia died when Andy was two. Jane didnt yet know how much more life had in store for her, but she nursed her foster mum to the very end.
Now, love, dont cry. We all have to go. But its better this way. No pain… Im free
But why, Mum, why you?!
Its not about why me, Janenever ask why me? Always ask what for?
Jane asked herself that every time something happened with Poppy. What was she supposed to learn from this? Why this child, this responsibility on top of everything with Andy? Wasnt that enough alreadyto know your son would never walk Jane squeezed her eyes shut, banishing dark thoughts. If only there was hope something to cling to.
She crept into the kids room. Andy was sprawled across his little bed, usual chaos, duvet somewhere on the floor. Jane tucked him in and sat on the floor, thoughts sliding away, so lost she didnt even notice Poppy had come in.
Jane, come onyoull crick your neck. Its late!
Jane blinked, trying to recall how shed ended up there. Did I nod off? Whats the time?
Nearly three. Poppy was perched on the bed, nightlight softening her face. Can I ask you something?
Jane, in the act of tucking Andy in even tighter, paused for a moment, bracing herself, then turned to the girl. Of course.
Do you not love me?
Jane gripped the corner of the duvet, took a breath, and shook her head. I dont know. Nolet me not lie to you, youre grown up now, youll understand. I cant say I love you in the same way I love Andy. That wouldnt be true. But you arent a stranger to me, Poppy. And I worry about you just as much as I do about him, Jane nodded towards Andy. Maybe its a mothers thing, you know? Like a setting on the washing machine. Once the kids in your care, youre wired to worry, to protect, and worry againspecial mode. You cant switch it off. There isnt a button to disable it, just one that turns it on. Is it love? Im not sure Thats why Im telling you exactly how I feel.
Poppy listened, ramrod straight, feet tucked under, barely blinking.
If youre going to ask whether I get butterflies thinking about youno, I dont, and probably never will. I dont know how things will turn out between us. At the moment, its tough, for both of us. And its not about dirty dishesyou know that. But I do know that I care what happens to you. I want things to go well for you. I want you to grow up and make a life for yourself, and, whatever that takes, Ill do my best to help. Just, pleasedont ask me to be a fairy godmother. I dont have a magic wand Granny Nadia knew all the tricks, but I never learned.
Granny Nadia said you should never spoil children. They need love, but not so much that it turns them monstrous.
What? When did she tell you that?
When we visited her. And she also told me then that youre a good person. Cold, like the Snow Queen, but not your fault I dont really understand what she meant.
I do But why did she say spoiling makes monsters? Odd, really.
Oh, that was when Mrs Evans lad drowned the neighbours kittens. His mum praised him instead of telling him off, then had a go at us for not letting him on the swings. Thats when Granny Nadia said theres more than one kind of loveand blind loves the scariest.
Right Poppy
I know. Its alright, you dont have to say anything. I wont promise anything eitherI cant promise what I might not be able to keep. But Id like to try. To do better.
So be it. Lets give it a shot
Jane made for the door, then doubled back and, surprising herself, stepped over and cupped Poppys face in her hands: Well try.
In years to come, Poppy would say it hadnt been easy. She never grew wings, not then and not after. But she had her beloved brother and a still-tentative promise that needed keeping.
And ten years later, coming home heavily pregnant with her first, Poppy would hug Janenow roaring with laughter at Andy, who, still tone-deaf, would be crooning away over his new laptop that his sister had given him. And leaning in, so Dad and Andy couldnt hear, Poppy would whisper, Thank you.
For what? Jane would ask, startled.
For always telling me the truth. And Mum, that thing you said about the setting? Does it flick on after the baby comes? Im worried mine might be stuck.
If youre asking, the timers already ticking! Jane would laugh, pretending not to notice it was the first time Poppy had called her Mum.
