A Mothers Heart
Illustration by the author. Created with the help of the Kandinsky neural network.
– Good afternoon, Mrs. Smith! Mrs. Collins waved cheerily, all the while clutching the pram as her boisterous grandson carried on with shrieks sure to wake the whole neighbourhood.
– Afternoon! replied Margaret Smith politely, turning away just as quickly.
Why is it that some people have everything and others are left with nothing? How unfair life is! She, Margaret, could be proudly pushing a pram with a grandchild herself, if only her son had remembered his duty and finally settled down with a family of his own
Settled down What a dreadful phrase. Pigs or dogs get settled with, but a family thats the greatest happiness of all, having people close to you, sharing your life in spirit.
Yet Margaret hadnt had such people nearby for a long time
That familiar loneliness crept over her again, suffocating her in its heavy blanket as she kicked the stubborn front door, which simply refused to open.
– Maggie love, what are you up to? Whats the poor door done to you now? a voice chimed in at her back, bright and knowing, as a slender, manicured hand settled onto her shoulder, sending a shiver up Margarets spine.
Jean or more formally, Jean Cartwright. Once her closest friend, now her most bitter adversary.
– Ive been meaning to visit for a chat, but you know how it is too many errands! My Tessas married now, you know! Expecting her first! Can you imagine? What a joy for us! The anticipation! Boy or girl, who knows?
Jean fluttered her hands like a schoolgirl, striking a pose worthy of a Victorian painting. Margaret nearly laughed with distaste.
– Sorry, Jean, Im in a rush.
– In a rush, are you? Unless youre just off for a loaf of bread. No cats, no children, not even a grandchild Does Daniel write, or is he lost to the world now?
Margaret froze. Her heart skipped a beat, then another, before sinking with that old ache.
– He writes, Jean. Every other day. Works piling up, you know how it is. Hes highly valued, hes got a big role now. Hardly a moment to himself. And yes, I have a pupil in half an hour. I really must dash.
– A private student! Margaret, you must be run off your feet. Daniel not helping enough?
– What gives you that idea?
– Otherwise youd not be taking on work. Its obvious, love!
For a moment, anger flared, but Margaret caught herself. No, she mustnt give Jean the satisfaction shed long since ceased to be a friend.
And that scratched and picked at Margarets soul, laughter cold and mean in her thoughts. Go on, Margaret! Remember it all! Dont forgive! Theyre not worth your kindness!
Her front door shut with a final thud, and her heavy sigh ended her daily expedition to the shops.
Home at last. Safe. No one here to say a word against her or her son. Silent
And yet the quiet brought nothing but the urge to weep.
Margaret dropped her shopping bag on the floor and burst into tears.
How much more can she bear? Three years had passed since the events that drove her to solitude, yet she still lived shackled by their memory. That old wound refused to heal, stealing her sleep each night
How could she forget the hurt done to her child? The wound that forced them apart! Daniel hadnt left because life with his mother was a hardship. No! It was pain that drove him too the pain of lost hopes and a shattered dream hed cherished for so many years.
Margarets boy had always dreamt of love. Real love. The kind she told him about, inspired by English poetry shed adored as a girl. She hoped that one day hed know a love as beautiful and profound as her own first love.
That love, shed always said, was as pure as a Madonnas face, as clear as the song of a nightingale.
She met Daniels father at the National Gallery.
As a student, Margaret often wandered there, spending hours before Raphaels Madonna and Child, dreaming her joyless, threadbare world might one day be filled with love and family.
Her own father she could barely remember hed died when she was small. Her mother passed away the day she brought home her acceptance letter from Oxford. Shed come home full of good news, only to find her mother still in her chair by the window, white curtains billowing like sails in the evening breeze. For a fleeting second, Margaret fancied she saw a gentle figure parting the curtains from her mothers face, then fading into the soft dusk.
Odd as it felt, that vision gave her strength to survive the loss of her only family. Even as an adult, reconciling herself to the worlds hard truths, Margaret still believed her mother had sent one last sign: that beyond the unknown lay something more than just oblivion.
A heart attack took her mother suddenly, and Margaret convinced herself her mums heart was just too generous, too full of warmth to carry on. At the funeral, seeing the endless stream of her mothers pupils and friends, Margaret wondered if dying so missed and loved might not be the worst fate after all.
It was a bittersweet comfort. Yet now, shed have to learn to manage on her own.
There was no other choice. With no family left and no wish to lean on her mothers old friends their own families, children, grandchildren needed them Margaret resolved to carry her own burdens, knowing her mother would frown on her for it.
She recalled all her mothers lessons, though the practical knowledge was never enough. Forms to fill, bills to pay and money so scarce she sometimes went whole days skipping meals, keeping herself busy with cleaning.
Yet she always found just enough for a ticket to her beloved museum. There she never felt hunger or thirst. Wandering the halls, recalling her mums lectures shed been one of the best History teachers in London gave Margaret peace.
One day, standing before her favourite painting once again, she was approached by an odd-looking young man. Not especially tall, a bit stooped, shabbily dressed. Yet his deep, clear voice and easy conversation soon won her over. They spent more than an hour talking about everything and nothing, finally leaving together hand in hand, beginning their shared life.
Their happiness, short as it was, felt complete. Even as a widow, Margaret never truly felt alone. She had her memories and her son.
Her hope and comfort. Her golden boy.
If perfect children exist, she believed her Daniel was one. Not just in her eyes she saw plenty of other children and could see the difference herself.
– Mummy, can we keep him? Please! No one loves him at all!
The cat Daniel dragged home was pitiful: mangy, balding, infected, his eyes sore and swollen. He looked more like something out of a nightmare than a member of the feline family.
Still, in her sons pleading gaze, Margaret couldnt say no and having recently lost her mother, she needed distraction. So, the cat was made welcome, bringing with him an endless round of chores.
Daniel had found him by the bins.
Margaret, hed never let carry out the rubbish.
– Am I a man or not? Mum, thats my job!
He remembered his father never made a fuss about mens and womens work. Daniel recalled how his father always helped Margaret, never asking if she needed help, just doing what was needed.
– Son, women are amazing like ants, carrying loads far beyond their size. But that doesnt mean they should. Share the load, and youll see shell blossom like a rose, not trudge through life like a worn-down donkey, head bowed under a burden too heavy.
Daniel used to laugh at the image, but soon snatched the mop off his mother whenever she cleaned.
– Ill do it!
– You dont even know how!
– Show me! If Dad could, so can I!
Margaret let him, wiping her nose in secret with pride.
After his father passed, Daniel did his best to help her.
– Sorry, Mum Daniel watched as she cautiously cleaned the little cat, who sat meekly in a basin of warm water. Is he very dirty?
– What did you expect, darling? He lived on the street.
– Or worse, the tip!
– All the more reason! Just think of the things hes picked up along the way. Itll take time, but well manage. Because hes ours now, and that makes us responsible.
The cat sat so quietly under her hands, it almost seemed he understood every word. He let them bathe and feed him, and next day, Daniel dutifully took him to the vet.
– Are you sure you want to keep this cat? Youll need a lot of patience, and I cant promise well succeed hes in a dreadful state!
– Thats precisely what we need Margaret replied, scooping the cat up firmly. And what are you staring at? Lets get to work, shall we?
It took nearly a year for the bedraggled stray with the balding, ratlike tail to become a respectable, fluffy house cat, devoted to those whod rescued him.
He was no lap cat by nature. Perhaps his fiery temperament came from the grand name Daniel bestowed upon him: Admiral. While Margaret quickly started calling him Addy for short, the cat still showed odd piratical habits every now and then.
For instance, every visitor to Margarets flat was subjected to the most punishing scrutiny. If the cat disapproved, heaven help them! The ginger lightning bolt, claws at the ready, could put any trespasser to flight.
Addy sensed trouble more than once though Margaret and Daniel failed to see it at the time, when the cat suddenly launched himself at Daniels classmate, Tessa, shredding her new tights in a flash.
– Ow! the pretty creature with gentle blue eyes and golden curls flung the cat away with such force that Addy, hitting the wall, was dazed for a moment. Take him away! He bit me!
Daniel snatched the now struggling cat while Margaret apologised profusely.
– Its nothing! Tessa giggled sweetly. Mumll buy new ones. She wont mind! But could you please lock that monster away? Id like Daniel to walk me home. Daniel, not the cat.
Margaret stood in her doorway, holding the outraged Addy and watching as the charming girl led her son away, hand tightly gripping his.
So Tessa led Daniel, not just that afternoon, but all through school and university.
When asked why shed chosen her subject, Tessa just waved a hand:
– Mum, dont you get it? I dont have to do a thing! Daniel will do all the work!
– But, how?
– For both of us, of course! Thats what hes for, surely? Besides, its mostly men at that university why would I go to yours, all women? Not for me! Id never survive!
Daniel of course knew nothing of such talk. He was in love. Margaret understood this would happen, hoped for love for her son, but what she saw wasnt love it felt more like some strange dependency.
– Daniel, are you sure Tessas truly the one?
– Mum, after all these years? I have to marry her its the right thing to do! hed laugh, but Margaret could see the effort it cost him.
She couldnt explain it, but she marvelled at Tessas hold over her son.
Addy locked in the bedroom whenever Tessa visited would howl and scratch the door, then sulk for hours in Margarets arms, as she found consolation in his company.
– She doesnt love him, Addy, its plain to see. What are we to do? How can I protect our boy from heartbreak? Shell hurt him I can feel it! But if I voice my fears, hell resent it. Or not understand And even if he does, would it stop him?
Addy was no use, just swapped anger for comfort, pressing his nose into her palm and purring, trying to calm her.
It helped a little but not for long.
Matters came to a head just as Margaret made her peace with the idea of Tessa as a daughter-in-law. Daniel, degree in hand and a good job secured, finally proposed to Tessa and she agreed. Yet she insisted they postpone the wedding for several months.
– Why? Margaret stroked Addy, the tension in her hands betrayed her feelings.
– No idea, Mum. She just says shes not ready.
– At least shes honest
Margaret couldnt fathom it, but her heart ached with worry.
That evening the night she nearly lost her son Addy behaved so wildly that Margaret yelled at him, as he darted round the kitchen disrupting her cooking.
– Enough! Daniel and Tessa will be here soon, and Ive nothing ready! What is wrong with you? Youre under my feet constantly!
Still the cat wouldnt settle leaping onto the windowsill, staring into the night outside, uttering strange, deep cries, then tearing round the kitchen again.
Ready to lock Addy out, Margaret grabbed him just as he leapt once more at the window, scratching furiously at the glass.
– What on earth are you doing?! she scolded, only to see, outlined against the snowy rooftops, a lone figure on the neighbouring roof.
What made her fling open the window? How did she know disaster was at hand?
Without thinking, she dashed to the window, her cry echoing through the courtyard:
– Daniel! No! Stop!
She couldnt possibly know her son was on the roof; she could barely see a shadow, let alone recognise his face. But she didnt hesitate for a second in what she had to do.
The silhouette wavered Margaret gasped
A moment later, the roof was empty and still, as if no one had ever stood there.
Daniel came home at dawn. Margaret asked nothing, just held him tight, led him to his room, helped him out of his jumper, then tucked him in just as she had when he was a boy.
– Just like old times, Mum Thank you
Daniel wept bitterly and openly, like a child. The last time Margaret had seen him cry was the night Addy lay struggling for breath, surviving only because a little boy knelt beside him, begging him to hold on.
Now it was the cats turn to nudge Daniels cold hand, patiently waiting for a brief caress. Then, the hand would fall still and, not to be defeated, Addy would begin again, reminding him that love still existed in the world.
– Im sorry
– Dont, son. I understand.
– She lied to me. She had someone else all along
– It happens.
– But how do you lie when you love? Is that really possible, Mum?
– No. Love doesnt lie. If she deceived you, it wasnt love.
– You think so?
– I know.
– What do I do now, Mum?
– You grieve. Thats right and needed. Let go thats vital too, for you. Forgive not now, but later, perhaps. And one day, if you can wish her happiness, Ill know youve truly understood what it is to love.
– I cant.
– Cant what?
– Let go
– And everything else?
– Easy. I want her to be well
– Thats love, son.
They talked for hours, as they never had before and never would again. When the morning came, Margaret woke Daniel:
– Get up, son!
– Why?
– Because youre moving on.
– Where to, Mum?
– To build your own life, love. You only get one. Remember: you always have a home here, me, and Addy. Well be waiting
– Mum
– All will be well. Trust me, its right!
Daniel left. Not straight away, but once his affairs were settled and a good job found in another city.
Left behind, Margarets heart ached for him. Shed sit for hours in her armchair by the window, stroking Addy and praying her son would find happiness in his new home.
It took time, but her prayers were answered. Daniel found his feet, threw himself into work, and soon rose through the ranks. Colleagues marvelled at how he preserved honesty and kindness where others failed. His secret was simple: he remembered the snowy rooftop, the voice calling him back from despair, the trembling hands that tucked him in, and the certainty in his mothers voice:
– All will be well, son. I know it.
Her faith gave him strength. Her upbringing shone through all he did. And in time, life returned to order.
All he missed was someone to share it with.
Margaret, after a while, picked up her bag and smiled at the cat watching her.
– Well, Admiral? Not seen a womans hysterics in ages, have you? Had your laugh?
– Not really, Mum! Daniels voice rang out, and Margaret gasped, sliding to the floor. Mum! Oh God, are you all right? Im calling an ambulance!
– No need! she pulled him close, hugging him tight. When did you arrive? Why didnt you ring?
– Wanted it to be a surprise
– Well, it was!
– Mum, theres something else I dont know how to say this Daniel helped her to her feet, holding her close.
– No need Margarets voice was bright with happiness. I know already. Is it her?
– Its her, Mum
– Thank heaven for that! Margarets heart soared, letting go of all the old hurts and grievances. When do we meet?
– Ive come for you both! You and Addy! Mum, I want us to live together.
– Oh no, son! That wont do. Want to take away our independence, you and Addys too? Out of the question! Youre welcome for visits, and well come when called. But living together isnt whats right. Isnt that so, Addy? She looked steadily at Daniel, now smiling calmly. Shes
And, in less than a year, Margaret would be striding proudly through the close, pushing a pram with her new grandchild, nodding kindly to the neighbours.
– Good afternoon! How are you? Were just off for a walk
And on the window ledge, a big ginger cat would purr his quiet contentment, knowing that the one he loved was at last completely, utterly happy.
