True Love
Emily, what are you doing here? What are you hanging around for? asked Mrs. Nina Peters, eyeing the young girl lurking at the doorway of the registrars office.
And you? Where are you going? Emily stammered, pulling her passport out of her jacket pocket. Wewell, wed come to see you We need to file an application
We? Im off home, love. Thats it, the days over, said Mrs. Peters, buttoning her mac. The wind had picked up sharply outside, and that endless blue high sky, as Ninas mother would call it, though Nina herself never quite understood how the sky could be high or low, had grown suddenly heavy. Shed often crane her neck upwards, trying to judge whether it had lowered or not. Now the clouds hung ominously, surely about to break. Goosebumps prickled up under Mrs. Peters nylon stockings.
Emily, standing beside her, also shivered. Shed worn her very best dress, strappy sandals, and only a light jacket on top, and now the wind cut right through her, straight to the bone.
Your lips are blue, Em! Honestly, go home, put the kettle on, fry up some chips and a sausage, proper comfort food! Or read a book. But dont stand here wearing out your soles, Mrs. Peters chided, heading toward the bus stop. She suddenly turned back, face serious. Whats this application you were going to file, love? And who exactly is we?
We, well, me and George Robinson, Emily blushed. Were getting married. George said
George said! Mrs. Peters mimicked, squinting. George is all talk and no trousers, that one. Take it from me! Off you go home, Em. Count yourself lucky he didnt showspared yourself a ruined life! Find yourself a good man, proper, decent, cleverno rush! Therell be plenty of time for white veils, standing at the stove, and quiet tears when your husband ignores you. Wellforget that last part. Not everyone ends up like that!
Mrs. Peters looked away, afraid the girl might guess how dire things were at home. Not that it was dreadful, just nothing. That was the wordNOTHING. Her husband, Johnny, lay on the sofa all evening, silent, only shifting so the rusty old springs squeaked beneath him. He remembered Mrs. Peters existed only when it was time to lay the table. Is that really living? Theyd loved each other once, wildly, blazingly. They married, gazed endlessly into each others eyes. Their daughter was born, then a son Johnny strutted about, all manly pride, whisking Nina home from the hospital, presenting the nurses with flowers, chocolates, champagne. Spent the lot, then workmates chipped in a collection for the new baby. And that was thatthe required quota completeand then a hollow indifference. We only stuck it out for the children these past fifteen yearsand maybe for decencys sake Nina mused. Nowadays everyone rushes off for a divorce at the first argument. But back then you didnt swap men like gloves, and youd be too embarrassed to air your dirty laundry in public!
Mrs. Peters had married at twenty. Emily was nineteen it would be the same fate, she was sure. While you still loved passionately, no one else would dobut as time cooled, you only regretted rushing in.
What are you saying, Mrs. Peters? George is kind, gentle, Emily stamped her foot. Thunder boomed overhead, rain threatening. He said hed marry me, that wed file the application today. Hes just running late, probably held up at work!
Of course he is! At work Oh, Emily! If only I had your youthand you had my sense! Youre too late, anyway, scurry home. Storms cominghear that, from the west? A thunderstorm, in August! Feels biblical, Mrs. Peters crossed herself. Remember Mrs. Smith? Lived next door to you, a bit slow? She was struck by lightning through her brolly. Electric charge right down, every bone in her bodyshes never been quite right since. Well, Im off now. See you tomorrow, Emunless George changes his mind.
Emily watched Mrs. Peters figure disappear down the pavement, sighed, crushed her passport in her hand. Then the skies opened, drenching her in an instantdress, jacket, ribbon in her plait, all soaked and freezing.
She ran, dodging through the crowds hurrying for shelter. Maybe George had rung her work, tried to warn her hed be late and no one had told her. It was all just a misunderstanding! When she got home, shed ring him. Anything could have happeneda meeting, or heaven forbid, an accident.
Em? Is that you? At last! called her sister, Laura, peering into the hallway. Emily! Off to the bath, right nowyou look like a drowned hen! Dont catch a chill! Hang onwhy are you wearing my dress? And Mums borrowed pearls! Emily Jane! Who taught you to go rifling through other peoples drawers and wardrobes? Mum! Just look at this, Mum!
Laura ranted in the corridor, Emily, miserable and shivering, stripped off the dress, handed over the necklace, and went silently to run herself a scalding bath, locking the door behind her. No way would she ring George nowLaura would only eavesdrop and say even nastier things about him.
Laura, whats up with her? Wheres she been? Why are you at her? their mother, Mary Andrews, called from the kitchen. She just wanted to look niceyou never wear that dress, its tiny on you! Oh you are mean, Laura. Shame!
Mean? Let Emily sew herself something for once! Try it, just once, then well talk. Too small or not, its my dressand thats final! You always coddle Emily, paint her life like a filmwhile I get on with things myself. And Im not about to give over my own, you hear?
Laura stomped off to her room, slamming on the radio. Mary just sighed. Yes, Emily was a tender, gentle soul who needed shielding from anything badshed never cope, shed break. Always had. Emily couldnt stand nursery; even as a little thing she was bullied by a few. Shed cry non-stop, sleepless nights. So, her mum pulled her out, found a retired teacher, Miss Pauline Ford, paid her to mind Emilythe sort who made the perfect governess, at leastwhod take her to the park and read romantic novels, fastidiously tied white ribbons in her hair and wiped up any dribbled ice cream.
Laura had never lived that softly. She was packed off to nursery at dawn, then school, then college. Cry or not, unwell or tiredshe had to go. Parents both worked, and so she was toughened up, bold, even picking fights for Emilys sakea soft-hearted younger sister needed defending!
But Laura grew sick of it, began teasing Emily, calling her a jelly rather than a real person.
All your mollycoddling ruined her! she declared once, irritated by Emilys tears over some petty slight. Mary set aside the iron, frowning. Its true! Another girl would answer back, but Emily just sobs. You cant live in the world like that, Emily. You need self-respect, stand up for yourself, have some pride.
Whats to be proud of? Look at me, Emily suddenly burst out, gesturing at her awkward figure. Its easy for you, Laurapretty, clever, everything goes right! Me Im just a no-one.
You can be anything you like, Emily, Laura disagreed. I didnt just turn out like thisI had to make myself, over years. Nobody stuck me in a hothouse with Miss Fords. I grew up like everyone else, and thats how I made it. Mum, you did Emily no favours. Laura chuckled mirthlessly, leaving the room, and their mum just stroked Emilys hair. How could she not look after such a fragile, delicate thing? Emily had come late to the Andrews family, the youngest, their swan song. Its only natural to want to treasure her, keep her a child as long as possibletying bows, sewing frocks, delighting in her little recitals.
Their father, Charles Andrews, played little part in raising themalways at work, making deals, attending meetings, visiting sites. His main concern? That his princesses were fed, clothed, shodthe rest, Mary would handle; she knew better.
Emily sat in the bath for ages, then dressed in her thick towelling dressing gown and dialled the Robinsons landline.
Good evening she murmured when an energetic The Robinsons residence, nonot royalswhos calling please? replied. That was always Georges grandad, cheerful Mr. Gregory. Is George there?
George? Oh, theyve gone. Factory sent them all out to the country, helping pick vegpromised to bring us a sack of spuds. What we want with a sack of spuds, I ask you?
Waita sack of potatoes? The country? But we had planshe was supposed to, Emily faltered, hanging up before she finished.
Miss! Dont fret, hell be back! Promised! Gregory called after her, but only the dial tone answered.
How could this happen? Emily looked round, lost.
Em, come and eat, dont wait for your father, hes late. Laura! Will you hurry up, how long does it take? Mary clattered pans and chairs in the kitchen.
Just as they sat down, the phone rang. Emily jumped, but her mum caught her hand.
No more fussI’ll answer it, she said, crossing the hall. Hello? Oh, Nina? Hi, dear. What? No, I didnt know Quieter? Fine, Ill lower my voice
Emily flushed, closing her eyes in embarrassment.
Whats up with you? Laura asked, chewing a meat patty with utter indifference. Youre an odd one, Em.
Mary listened to her friend, returned to the table, hands on hips, stern.
Emily, is it true? What Nina told metrue?
Well, depends what she said, Mum. Your Nina is a gossip, its disgusting, Emily tucked a lock behind her ear.
Oh, listen to her! So innocent! Trying to make me out the fooland you, Laura, did you know? Mary turned on her eldest.
What? Mum, Im knackered, get to the point. Whats the little fairy been up to this time? Laura mopped her plate with brown breada bad habit, but she didnt care.
Emily was off to get married! Nina caught her outside the registry, thank goodness she didnt succeed Laura! Dont slurp your tea! Its rude! Mary rapped the table. Emily, explain yourself!
What, Mum?
All these antics! Laura, she planned to run off and marry some George! Nina said
Nina knows nothing! Emily shot up. Shes a jealous, spiteful old woman, thats all!
Who is George? Laura, do you know him? Emily was going to marry him! Mary fretted, ignoring Emilys protests.
Got it, Mum, no drama. Even if she had marriedso what? Whos the guy, Emily?
George. Hes lovely, cheerful. I feel so happy with him, and we are getting married. He promised! I trust himand I love him. I love him! Emily turned white, as Laura smirked at her.
Emily had met George by chance in the park. She didnt have enough for an ice-creamhe chipped in. They rode the carousel together, then wandered, laughing. What was so special? Emily never ponderedshe just knew she felt alive with him.
With George, she was happy. Hed thrown open a world of fun, silliness, joyful adventures.
Theyd danced in the rain, climbed up to rooftops. George Robinson, no royal lineage as Grandad Greg always quipped, once dared her to clamber into the dovecote and kiss the carrier pigeonshe could still recall the tickle of feathers.
So good Emily would croon, sharing a crusty bread roll with George in an attic, scattered crumbs on her dress. So good I could scream.
Whats scary? hed ask.
Im afraid itll end. That youll leave me
Hed never once actually said I love you. Thered been kisses, yes, but never the confession that would make parting hurt. Yet Emily always worried: youll leave
George hesitated, then felt such pity for Emily. She was so slight, so sad, not appreciated at home. She worked at the factorysimple, unassuming. Lauraa qualified specialistoutshone her in every way. Emily hadnt wanted university, chose to train and work straight away. No amount of pleading, from parents or family friends, could change her mind.
But, Em, your future, your career Mary would sigh. Dad, me, Laurawere all graduates. Em! Proper uni, real jobs! Why wont you?
Because! Emily would snap, kneading a tea towel. I dont want to be like you. Can I not have one thing to decide for myself? I have a passport now, Im an adult. Mum, leave me be!
Mary gave up arguing.
She just looks for the easy way, Nina Peters had concluded. Laura grafted through hardship; Emily well, never mind, I wont say another word, shed thrown up her handsthe conversation over.
Now here was Emily, passport hidden at home, sitting in a dusty attic, eating bread, dreaming of something magical.
Where do you think Id go, Em? Honestly! George pulled her close. He wanted a cigarette dreadfully but resistedEmily hated smoke. Lets get married! he suddenly blurted.
What?
Never mind. Tomorrow, registry office, five pm. Ill get off shift early, you do the same. Well file the paperwork! Bring your passport, yeah?
George! George! She flung her arms round his neck, blushing at her forwardness, then sat primly, hands in her lap. Yes
Of course you will! he laughed.
And a dress?
Definitely.
And rings?
And rings he said absently, distracted by a mouse skittering in the corner.
Gold? But, George, theyre expensive
Dont stress. Well manage, George kissed her tenderly. She melted in his arms; yestheyd sort it all out, later.
Did you talk to Dad? Mum? Who is this boy? Where will you live? Have you done anything? Mary raged.
Oh, Mum, nothing happenedEmilys not like that, Laura chipped in, raising her brow. Right, Em?
Emily said nothing, looking away. They just didnt get it! Shed live with whoever treated her rightwhat happened between them was no one elses business.
What about you and Mr. Brown, then? Hes older than Dad! Emily snapped at Laura.
Laura reddened, leapt up, fists clenched. Mary pursed her lipsnever did like Lauras suitor. He was, indeed, old, unattractive, dull. But he had his own flat and seemed to adore Laura
Thats different, Emily. Thats serious. Your Georgehes immature. I dont know how to explain
Then dont. And I wont mention Laura and her pensioner, all right?
Emily went to bed early, turned to the wall. She dreamed of a gold ring, bought through Georges efforts, of a white dress, a new suit for Georgeeven if hed look ridiculous. Hed be her husband, though, and Laura stuck with her dried-out Mr. Brown.
At least in one thing, Emily would get aheadreal happiness. She smiledlet clever Laura envy her, since shed never know true love herself!
* * *
After two fruitless days of trying to contact George, Emily, after her shift, headed to his workplace to see if the team had returned from the countryside.
Outside, his mate Michael stood smoking, skinny and pale, cheeks hollow.
Emily? You? Michael stubbed out his cigarette, smoothing his overalls. Hello.
Hi. Is George in? His grandad said youd all gone away Emily dropped her gaze, always a bit shy in Michaels kindly, pitying presence.
Back last night. Should I get George? Wait here!
He darted off to the factory entrance, vanished inside the blue-painted door that crashed closed behind him.
Five minutes later, blinking in the sunlight, scratching his head, George appeared. A stray tabby darted out from under some planks; George crouched, put down a dish, stroked its scrawny back.
Hes good-hearted, reallya softie, Emily thought, forgiving him for missing their appointment.
George! Georgie! she called, waving.
The security guard, old Mr. Zach, let her onto the site to chathe liked seeing young love, and thought George and Emily made a lovely, simple couple.
Hi, Em! Hows things? George grinned.
Okay But you didnt turn up that day, I rang and was told youd gone away and I waited But we can go today, cant we? she said, eyes pleading.
Go where? George spat to one side.
To the registry office! To file the application! You said you would! And the rings, the dressyou promised! You do want to marry me, dont you? Youre just shybut at the wedding, it wont matter. Im so happy! We love each other. Ive never felt like this before. Have you?
Emily went on, pouring out her dreams for their wedding, laughing over how surprised Mum would be, how Georges friends would get the limos, the party
Em, stop, George suddenly laughed. Youre joking, right? That dayyou believed me? Em, I was joking! What wedding? What party? With what money? What are you on about? Who loves who? Me love you? No! I dont want to marry you. Were friendsdont make something out of nothing. You made this all up! He said it loudly, looking right past her to a girl in a red scarfJane Brooks, new on the site.
Jane laughed aloud, her scarf slipped off, hitting the dusty tarmac. George lunged to pick it up for her, eager. Jane didnt seem bothered, just strode away. Jane! Your scarf! he called. Jane stopped, waited for him.
Thanks. So youre engaged, George? Congratulations. Your fiancée is lovelywill you invite us to the wedding? she teased.
George flamed red, turned back and snapped at Emily to leave him alone.
Emily burst into tears and fled for the gate. She wished herself anywhere else, far from curious eyes, somewhere dark and quiet where she could sob herself hoarse and forget everything, stop the hurt burning inside.
Mr. Zach snorted, Michael sighed, shaking his head.
Why would you do that, George? That was cruel.
She was all over me, making a scene She doesnt know how to take a joke, worseshes just a child. Ive had enough!
He only wanted Jane: Jane, proud, aloof, sharp-tongued, brave. Shed argue with foremen and take no cheek from the lads. She knew her worth and set George impossible challenges. It was excitingGeorge felt like a hunter. Emily made life dull; if hed married her, hed only have ended up bored or drinkingor carrying on with her, hollow as Mrs. Peters and her husband.
* * *
Emily love, wont you have supper? Mary pleaded outside her door, listening for a reply that never came. What is it? Tell me! Trouble at work? Is it that George?
Hes not mine, Mum! Hes not! Emily cried. Just leave me alone, please!
Would if you asked nicely Marys hands fell.
Laura came home, Charles too. Supper was awkward.
Laura, go on, talk to her. Take her tea, some chocolates. Dont bait her, justgo.
Laura obediently took a tray, paused outside Emilys door, hearing only faint sobbing.
She felt sorry for her, truly. Whatever Emily was like, she was familyher little sister! Shed cradled her as a baby, played, comforted, and now Emily was hurt.
Em! Emily, can I come in? Ill just sit; promise, Laura nudged open the door, letting light in.
Emily lay curled up, silent now but pale, only sighing and whimpering.
Wellwhats up? Laura snuggled beside her, stroked her back, lay with herjust as they had in childhood at the chilly cottage: Emily, frightened, would sneak under Lauras covers; Laura would grumble but snuggle her close.
I made it all up, didnt I? Hoped hed marry me, believed him He tricked me, Laura! I hate him! He shouted at me, everyone heard. Im so embarrassed, so ashamed Emily wept again, then sipped tea, nibbled a chocolatesweets always soothed her.
Never mind! Really, Em! He was probably scared too, you turning up to drag him to the registry in front of everyone! Men are terrified of those places till the last second, unless its real love. And youre both so youngGeorge is just a lad, really, off with the fairies. If its meant, hell come back.
If not? Emily sniffed, blew her nose.
Youll meet someone else. Please, lifes ahead of you! Laura giggled softly.
And you? Will you be with Mr. Brown? Emily ventured.
NoIve sent Mr. Brown packing! Thats that. Now, up you get, wash your face, drink your teadont eat all the chocs or I wont bring any more! Laura pretended to grumble, but squeezed Emilys hand. Em, I love you, and I promise youll be all right, do you hear?
Y Yes, Emily smiled, finally.
* * *
One hot, dry September day, Michael waited outside Emilys housesmart in a suit, shiny shoes, stylish haircut, a fat bunch of purple dahlias in his hand.
Emily, hi, he offered the bouquet with a bashful smile. Happy birthday for tomorrow. I got us cinema ticketswill you come?
Emily stood, stunned, just blinking.
She will, Michael. But you behave, all right? came Lauras voice from behind, half-joking. What did you say your name was?
Michael, he mumbled.
Nice to meet you. Emily, are you heading out or staying in? Have a walkMichael can keep you company, Laura pressed. You need fresh air.
Yyes, Id like that! Michael blushed.
They married two years later; Emily moved in with Michael, leaving her old room for Laura who wasnt in a hurry to settle downshe insisted she hadnt found her one and only. But Emily often saw men trailing after Laura, who shooed them away, proud and unbending.
Men like women like that, dont they, Mike? Emily asked her husband.
What sort?
The sort who turn their noses up. You blokes go mad for them.
I dont know, I just love you. Now, whats for tea? Im starving!
All ready, sit down. Mike, I do love you, she smiled. And it was true
Michael was his own man, but Emily was content.
Sometimes, shed wonder what life with George would have been like. Probably bickering. Thank goodness he hadnt shown up at the registry; she was grateful now.
Emilys ordinary lifewhat shed always wantedwas upended by the birth of their second child. Their tiny son, Adam, was kept in hospital for weeks. Emily delivered breastmilk each day, lingering beneath the ward windows, hoping for a glimpse.
Please let me in! Please! she begged the nurse at reception.
You cant, love, wait till the doctor says so. Dry your tearsthere are worse cases than yours. Pick yourself up and go home! Wilson, dont you have a husband, an elder child? Go homesmile for them. Itll help the baby, he feels everything. And dont bring us milk mixed with tears, you hear? Itll curdle! Adam wont touch it! scolded Auntie Fay in her white coat and thick eyeliner.
Fay felt for Emily and all the other mothers haunting the corridors but rules were rules.
Emily couldnt imagine how to smile when everything hurt so badly. In the stories Miss Ford had read her, heroines swooned, fainted, raved in fever, but staying strong? That wasnt in the script. Laura had figured it out; Emily just hadntuntil she had to.
One weary evening, as Emily sat at the kitchen table, gazing blankly as the porridge bubbled over, Michael lost patience.
Were all struggling, Em! Im worried toobut you cant go on like this. Weve got Anna and youve forgotten her. Go, read her a story, Ill do the washing up.
I cant. I just cant! Leave me alone! Im grieving, dont you get it? Grieving! Emily suddenly shouted, jumping up.
Oh, youre grieving? Emily, you dont know grief! When I was ten, my mum had a stillbornplanned the nursery, all the bits readythen she just went. Couldnt cope. Left us. And Anna, youre leaving her now. She feels it, you know! In life, terrible things happen, but you get through. You dodo you hear? But only together. Were with you, not against. Em, youve got to grow upyou cant just sit and cry, it solves nothing.
Let go! Emily pulled away, turning to the window. Michaels words stunghe was forcing her to changebut life had become harder than ever.
She was angry, at everyone, herself, the doctors. Then Anna stopped speaking. Three years old, and as if shed forgotten all her words. Her bed was wet each morning, tears constant.
Emily was shocked into actionAnna and baby Adam, tired Michaelshe was their entire world, and shed shut herself away.
Anna, Im sorryso sorry. Want a story, or a walk? Please, tell me? Emily stroked her daughters hair, wiping away their tears, hoping it wasnt too late.
It wasntshe found herself again, and them too.
Adam came home two weeks later. Emily bathed him, then sat on the sofa: Anna on one side, Michael with their son on the other. Her real family. She was, at last, truly grownand it was time to act it.
George, chasing Jane, changed himself too: evening courses, qualifications. Jane moulded him to her vision, and he loved her for it. He needed a challenge, a questEmily would have bored him, or worse.
Love isnt the same for everyone. But the secret is not to lose it; fight for those who matter, give yourself without holding back. Thats where meaning lies.
