Tanyas Guilt
Mum! Finally! This is the fifth time Ive tried to ring you! What did I say? Youre supposed to have your mobile with you all the time, thats why I gave it to you! It might be Michaels old one, but it works, doesnt it? Hed just dumped it in a drawer when he upgradedhad to have one of those fancy things, didnt he, always flashing the cashanyway, what does it cost, his new contraption Laura chattered away loudly into her phone, not in the least concerned by the other bus passengers. Why should she be? Yes, Laura was a devoted daughter. She always rang her mum, just to check in
What on earth she wanted to check, well, who knows? Point is, she made the effortand thats what matters. The tellys forever banging on about how young people have forgotten their parents, how this new generation is heartless and selfish
Rubbish! Laura is the perfect daughter. Just perfect.
So why are you being so quiet? All I can hear is you wheezing! Come on, well be there in ten, so make your way down. See you in a tick, Mum!
TanyaMrs Tanya Brown, to the rest of the worldnodded, closed her eyes and let the room spin like a dodgy fairground ride. She clung to the cold metal bars of her hospital bed, which jabbed at her thin hands, but at least convinced her she was actually conscious. Shed have to get up, of coursepull on her dressing gown, the cosy cream one with little pink posies on, a New Years present from her eldest, Irene, slip into her slippers and shuffle down to the ward entrance. Tanya despised those slippersthey smelled institutional, somehow, but
Theyre easier to clean, Michael! Laura had told her husband when hed packed his mother-in-laws hospital bag. You know, just in case. Shes not young anymoreaccidents happen! Laura had made a face at her husbands innocent questions, exasperated.
So, Michael had thrown in a pair of slippers, a size too big. No time to buy more now.
Sorry, Mumer, Tanya. Ill get you new ones later. Its all a fuss over nothing, really! Youll be out before you know it. Toss those slippers as soon as you can. And dont forget the tangerineswe brought loads, for vitamins! hed said, before taking his leave.
Laura would have told you the operation was extremely badly timed. Typical. Apparently, theyd found something. Heaven help us! Doctors, eh? Laura, for her part, was off on a lovely work trip to the seaside, and who exactly was she meant to leave little Katie with? Cant leave her with Michaelhed be on the phone every five minutes about what to feed her and whether she needed a coat. No, Grannys the answer! Dump her therelike putting money in a Swiss bank. Safe and absolutely free. Plus, mums got her pension!
Couldnt you you know, postpone this little drama? Laura pleaded one more time. Do it later?
But later wasnt an option. Tanya had some womens issueor so the doctor said. Needed a pile of tests and then straight to theatre.
Do you want to live? the GP had asked. Then come on. Chop-chop, no faffing!
And so Tanya rolled unsteadily onto her side, squeezing her eyes tighther stomach throbbed and the room swayedbut, no, she really ought to get up now.
Tanya, where are you off to? piped her neighbour on the next bed. Dont go keeling over somewhere!
Ill be fine. My daughters come and wants me downstairs. Honestly, its not a big deal. Doctor said to keep moving
She can come up herself, surely! Besides, visiting hours havent started.
Laura cant stand the smell of hospitals. She was always ill as a child and now Tanya trailed off, knowing full well no-one likes the smell of hospitals butwellwhat can you do?
She perched on the bed, winced, dragged on her gown. Cold sweat trickled down her back. Shed just have to hobble to the lift and hope for the best.
Laura stood downstairs, taking up a good chunk of the hospital foyer, with its iron chairs running round the edge and some half-dead pot plants in the middle. The patients were dotted about in pyjamas and battered tracksuits, with put-upon relatives lugging carrier bags of dubious contents. Every couple of minutes, someone wandered out of the lift clutching bags and bits of paper, the spoils of their discharge.
Laura squinted at the next trickle of people from the lift, tugging impatiently on Katies sleeve.
Will you stop fidgeting! And cover your nose, sweetheart, theres coughing everywhere. she ordered.
Katie dutifully yanked her prickly scarf over her nose, now gasping for breathmust have been thirty degrees in there, and all you could smell was boiled cabbage.
Where IS she? Surely its not that far from the third floor? Oh look, there she is! Go and help Granny! Quick! Laura propelled Katie forward as soon as she spotted the cream dressing gown festooned with pink flowers.
Katie hurled herself at Tanya, nearly knocking her off her feet.
Careful, my love, careful! Youll have me over! What are you doing here, anyway?
And who was I meant to leave her with, Mum? Honestly! Laura butted in, frogmarching her to a seat. Excuse mecan you shift your bags? Mums just had surgery, need to sit her down! she barked at a man in a criminally stripy pair of pyjamas. He quietly shuffled up, looking at his son, presumably, who was surrounded by bagsone presumesthe contents of mums fridge.
Go on, sit. Go on, it wont bite. Laura crowed, plonking Tanya down. She wincedhoping her stitches hadnt popped. Theres groceries. Chicken, pastaalthough Michael made WAY too much. Pasta! I said to himyoull have her constipated for a week!
Tanya felt the whole foyer suddenly go quiet and stare at her, wondering whod be suffering with constipation. She blushed. Laura, meanwhile, prattled on.
Juice too. This one was on offer. Cherry. You dont even like cherry. But you know what they say: beggars cant be choosers. Go on, Mum, take it.
Tanya struggled to edge the imitation-leather bag closer, realising shed never make it back up the stairs with it.
Thanks, darling. Katie, youll get all sweaty and then go out in the coldlet Granny undo your scarf But instantly Laura grabbed her mothers hand, tutting.
Shell catch something if you do that! You want her to get ill! This place is crawling with germs, Mum! I will NOT have her health ruined! Laura hissed, narrowing her eyes until she looked like a snake about to pounce.
Oh, its not that sort of ward Tanya floundered, And, really, why did you bring Katie here at all? Its hardly the place for children! she said, gently admonishing.
And where exactly should I have put her? Alone at home, and ended up fielding phone calls because shes set fire to the place or started choking on something! If you hadnt got yourself involved in all this medical nonsense, life would be a lot easier, for all of us. Anywayhopefully youll be discharged soon. What are the doctors saying?
They say I need to walk a bit more, Tanya shrugged. But it hurts. And I need a different support belt, apparently theres a good one in the shop here. Mines not the right kind.
Typical! The things theyll try and flog you. Michael paid through the nose for that one, and now they want more! Find a scarf and tie it round you, thatll do. Speaking of money, actually Lauras expression suddenly syrupy, voice sweet as treacle. Hand on Mums arm, giving it a little encouraging patpresumably making sure she wasnt about to faint.
What is it, love? Tanya asked, eyeing Katie. What a lovely girlso polite, so cleversitting still as a mouse, legs tucked away, watching the comings and goings with nervous fascination. Hospitals are NO place for children, Tanya thought firmly. Shouldnt have brought her she muttered again. So, what is it?
Laura had brought Katie on purpose. Guilt trip. Works like a charm.
Mum, its the council tax bill for your flat. And groceries. Plus the new support belt. Were not millionaires. Irene and Victor are always too busy, off doing their own thing. All of it lands on me because I live nearbytaken for granted. No, not this time! So, could you just write down your PIN for your bank card.
My what card? Tanya looked blank. She felt quite faint really. You mean?
Your bank card, Mum! Honestly! You think I print cash at home? Here, paper, pen. Katie, dont get up! Stay. Mum, just write it down. Lets do this nicelythen I can go home. I only brought the kid here for your sake!
Oh but is that safe? Tanya frowned.
Mum, do you think Im going to scam you? Im your daughter! Your long-suffering, put-upon, YOUNGEST daughter, its all your fault and you dont trust me?
Laura looked on the verge of tearslet anybody stare, let them all see what sort of mother she had.
Of course I trust you its just its on the news all the time, people getting conned, card details stolenlet me get the money out when Im home, Ill hand you every penny.
Youll just spend it on Katies shoes again! Laura grumbled, pen poised, eyeing her hopefully. If she got it, the friends nearly-new mink coat would soon be in Lauras wardrobe, so would that overpriced bag in the shop down the road. Mum could always save her money forwell, for her funeral couldnt she? Theres a government allowance now, maybe shed get that for free too! Laura prided herself on knowing all the loopholes.
I wouldnt recommend you tell anyone your PIN, interrupted the man in stripy pyjamas, bracing himself from Lauras death glare, adjusting his collar. His companion nodded.
Nobody asked you! Laura shrieked. Spying on us, are you? Typical! Thats how old people get ripped off! Mum, lets sit somewhere else. And write it down for goodness sake! I brought you food! I brought your granddaughter to this dump for you, and youre making a fuss! Fine, keep your money! You ruined my childhood, now you treat me like this! Katie, darling, lets go. Granny doesnt love us.
Laura made a performance of zipping her coat, loudly sniffling, checking if people were watching. They were. Good.
Laura, wait! Ill write it out. Dont be upset! I just wasnt sure called Tanya.
Let her go, shes a piece of work, muttered the man, tossing his own son a look as they heaved the bag onto the lift together. Come on, Romeo, well help your mum.
Romeo rolled his eyesanother parental drama.
They shuffled to the lift in silence. Tanya kept looking back, hoping Laura would turn, but shed stormed off.
What floor? her helper asked, Im Julian Smith, by the way. Gastroenterology. He gestured at the daisy slippers on his feet.
Third. Surgery. Tanya replied, distracted.
Nice houseplant in your corridor. A palm. Julian nodded, but Tanya hardly heard.
They stopped by a seat near their ward. Suddenly, Julian dropped the bag in indignation.
Why do you let her treat you like that? She wouldnt be walking about if it werent for you! Shes rude, manipulative! Hiding behind her daughter!
Children owe us nothing. They didnt ask to be born, Tanya replied flatly.
How can you say that? You gave her everything, and she Julian was fuming, but stopped as Tanyas face twisted, either with pain or sadness.
Ill just sit you go back to your ward, Tanya said weakly.
Im staying a minute, Julian replied, stretching his stockinged feet out in front. He smelt faintly of decent aftershave and fresh linen, a rare thing in hospital. Tanya found herself smiling. It was oddly comforting, having someone like that beside hereven in a stripy pair of pyjamas.
She actually felt she could nod off on his shoulder.
Tanya had been sleeping badly. Pain kept her awake; she always mixed up whether she had a high or low pain threshold, but whichever it was, it meant she lay staring at the ceiling most nights. Oddly, she found herself relaxing, finally.
Julian must have sensed ithe edged a little closer; she straightened up, glared at him, then, quite suddenly, said:
Dont judge Laura. You dont know us. Its my fault. I ruined her childhood. I have to make it right.
What do you mean? Julian frowned.
Shes the youngest. Then theres Irene and Victorbit older. I had Laura, and Tim, my husband, and mewe were thrilled. When Laura was three, I got sent on a work trip. I didnt want to go, but Tim said wed be fine. I left. What was I thinking?
But thats not so bad! My wife once flew off to Turkey on work, left me and my lad, Romeo, for a fortnight. Whats the problem?
Its not the sameits different for mums. While I was off working, Laura got ill. Pneumonia. Ended up in hospital, calling for me. I got back as soon as I could, but shes never forgot it.
What, and youre meant to feel guilty forever?
Tanya bit her lip. When she was about twelve, Laura started saying, I remember you werent there when I was illyou were off gallivanting, and I was always at the bottom of the pecking order.
I did love her. I just it all went so wrong. Afterwards, I tried making it up to her with money. Tim didnt approve, but Id sneak Laura notes for cinemas, shoved as many clothes at her as I could. She had the fanciest dress for prom
Her older daughter would beg for help with a deposit for a flat, but Tanya would always give in to Laura first.
Her friends rolled their eyes, told her to see a therapist, but all Tanya saw was that teary little girl standing, clutching the hospital window.
The guilt was endless.
Laura grew up, fell pregnant by a university classmate. Tanya and Tim managed to talk him into marrying Laura, after she threatened some melodramatic end. She left university, moved in with her husband, Michael, and started phoning her mother daily about how hard it all was, how her dodgy childhood health was to blame.
Doctors told her she was unlucky genetically. Who else could she blame for that?
So Laura drifted, never keeping a job, forever after her mother and Michael for cash, forever palming Katie off on Tanya so she could have a life and get her youth back. Michael travelled for work, was rarely home, but never held anything against Tanya. He handled family crises, respectfully buried Tanyas husband Tim when he died, even organised the funeral when the other siblings stood around helplessly. He promised Tim hed take care of Laura, and he kept that promise out of stubbornness or habit, or perhaps a bit of both.
So Tanya, sat in her daisy slippers, quietly told her story to Julian in the hospital corridor. Why? Frankly, she was bone-tired. Tim was dead, and this Julian well, he just reminded her of Tim. Steady, reliable, a bit gruff.
I love her so much. I just want to make amends. I ought to give her all my money. Its the right thing, Tanya sighed.
Julian drew in his breath, much as Tim used to when exasperated.
Youve created a monster. Shes draining you dry and you let her. Children do owe their parents something! They honestly do. If they love us at all, its only fair they care a bit. Its easy when lifes smooth. The test is when its not. Me and Romeowere not close. Im not his real dad, hes always resented me being strict. But when his mum got sickshe was dyingI fell apart, turned into a useless drunken mess. Romeo pulled me out of it. Poured cold water on me, yelled, fought methen told me he couldnt lose me too. Now, were not chatty, dont ring every day, but he cares. He really does.
So what am I supposed to do now? Tanya whispered.
Live for yourself, Julian shrugged. And stop feeling guilty. Its getting ridiculous! You only missed that time because you were working to feed them! Who put such a guilt trip on you anyway?
The neighbour, Tanya smiled suddenly. They babysat Laura for a while, told her things.
Women! Julian rolled his eyes, rubbing his forehead. As they saycherchez la femme.
That night, Tanya actually slept. In the morning, one of the young nurses brought her a bouquet.
Where did these come from? Tanya asked.
Instructions from ‘the gastrics’, the nurse smiled. Some Mr Smith. He insisted.
And soon, Tanya had a new pair of daisy slippers, and, when discharged, was driven home by Romeo. Julian sat in the passenger seat merrily nattering away, not quite brave enough to invite Tanya out.
You sure know how to move quickly for an old man, Romeo laughed after yet another rambling suggestion from his stepdad.
At our age, lad, one has to! Julian returned, grinning.
Laura kept ringing, indignant, but Tanya, at Julians urging, was often wonderfully busy and not always able to answer.
Mum! Seriously? Youve found yourself a bloke and just written me off? Just like before? Laura screeched, fists clenched and eyes like a vengeful lizard.
Tanya, for once, stood her ground.
I love you dearly, Laura. Ive only ever wanted the best for you. I went away because your father was laid off, and we needed the money. I am NOT to blame. Thats enough.
Behind her, Julian loomedsolid, reliable, mildly terrifying.
Laura stormed off, dragging poor Katie. Well! There was always Michael to guilt-trip next
Michael packed up Katie and took her to his own mothers in Ormskirk the following month. He worked remotely anyway. Katie loved visiting her other grandma.
And Mum? Katie asked as they left.
“Mum just needs a little rest, Michael replied, glancing at his sulking wife.
Laura turned away. Well, there was still Irene and Victor. Might as well try them for a few favoursBut that old guilt, so thick and sticky through the decades, was beginning to peel away. Tanya realized, as she closed her front door behind her one afternoonher slippers squeaking and a new plant (a palm, a secret joke from Julian) brightening her hallwaythat perhaps the most generous thing a mother could do was finally grant herself the same forgiveness and grace shed once poured endlessly into others.
On her kitchen counter lay an opened envelope, Lauras handwriting scrawled untidily across a pagemore complaints, more blame. Tanya read it, folded it, and placed it in the bin, a small, decisive act that felt far larger than she ever expected. Maybe she would answer Lauras next call, maybe not. For now, though, there was the sweet fizz of cherry juice in a glass, a patch of sun on her favourite chair, and the low rumble of Julians voice on her answering machine inviting her to the botanical gardens.
She pressed play again, just to hear the warmth.
Guilt, she finally understood, could be shed, if only she was willing to step, barefoot, into a new chapter. Like daisy slippers, soft enough for the journeyforward, and just for her.
She smiled, and let herself blossom.
