I suspected him of infidelity, yet never could prove it.
Jealousy? Are you serious? John chuckled. Mary! Arent you tired?
Tired? Tired of what? Mary replied, her tone wounded.
Well, if you love me as much as you did on the first day of our marriage, then alright, John laughed again, but weve lived together for so many years now, jealous fits seem rather pointless, dont you think?
I just dont believe department meetings ever go on until midnight! declared Mary.
John stopped laughing, his expression darkening, irritation creeping in.
Fine! He nodded deliberately, slow and stern. Why dont you check up? Ring up Thompson! We left the university together! Or better yet, call Mr. Baker! Hes still there, working through the night. And notice, his wife doesnt give him these sorts of scenes!
Thats because your Mr. Baker is seventy, Mary snapped. Hes not much use anywhere except your department!
So, Im useful, am I? John grinned slyly. Mary, my love eternal! Wont you escort your husband into the bedroom? Lets relive the old days!
Youll fall apart, Mary grumbled.
Shall we see? His grin grew slyer still.
Or have you spent yourself on your young female students? Mary dodged his arms.
Mary! he barked. Honestly! How much longer? Weve been married thirty-three years!
And for thirty-three years youve suspected me of cheating not once could you prove a thing!
Just because I couldnt prove it, doesnt mean nothing happened! Mary shot back. Youre good at hiding the evidence!
Mary, I had one single romance with a student. One! John stated emphatically. And then I married that student. You, Mary!
You took the familiar path, just without the weddings after, Mary replied. A leopard never changes its spots! You act just like you did back then, every word, every gesturealways flirting!
Politeness! John protested. Just pure, ordinary politeness! Women appreciate it when theyre treated politely! And the department, the studentsalmost entirely women! Its just us three men holding the fort!
Three dogs in a flower garden, Mary turned away.
Its flattering, but a bit hurtful too, replied John. Were all respectable family men! Work and home, nothing else. I could swear on my doctorate!
Youd say anything to paint yourself in a good light! I know your lotall the same! gestured Mary.
Perhaps, but Im not the same. Anyone in the department would vouch for me. Everyone might be, but not me!
Lucky you, eh? John smiled broadly. Youve got such a fine husband! He burst out laughing again.
Chatterbox! Mary snapped. Youll spin tales tall as the sky just to save yourself! And Im sure
Mary, enough! John shouted. Dont drive me to sin! Our children have their own families, weve grandchildren now, and youre still jealous!
Romances between lecturer and student had long become common nothing shocking about it now. The reasons were many, and varied.
Good grades, deeper understanding of the subject, the teachers authorityall played a part. Sometimes, a student sought a paternal figure, solid and wise. Older lecturers liked to feel invigorated, a surge of energy in their veins.
It could be amusing, sometimes foolish. Not all, not always, had affairssometimes desire sparked only on one side. Then came the trouble.
John and Maryin many ways, fortune smiled on them.
They met just as John was beginning his teaching career. Only his third year at the front of the lecture hall. Mary had transferred from a regional branch to the main campus.
The age gap was perfectly respectable, enough for romance to kindle.
And not only could itit did! And what a one it was!
John was criticized, scrutinized, even threatened with the sack. Back then, the old guard still ran things, unable to accept that the country had changed.
But John wasnt dismissed for one simple reason. At a meeting, he was grilled, and nearly torn apart. Then he blurted out:
Yes, I love her! Is that so hard to understand?
His outburst received an answer:
If you love hermarry her!
How about accommodation? Im not taking my young wife to a bedsit! John argued.
When you wed, Ill sign the order and hand you the keys to a flat! The head of the university challenged him.
Not a problem! John answered.
The whole university celebrated the birth of the young family. The head kept his promise, granting them a two-bedroom flat from somewhere in his reserves. Thus, a spontaneous romance became the start of a new family.
It all looked almost idyllic. For every affair to end in marriage was rare, more an exception.
Jealous chatter filled the corridors:
Just look! He married a student, got a flat, and has a reputation for being a man of his word. Good old Johnny! Young, but hell go far! If only we could do the samebut without wedding bells and wives finding out!
Marys first suspicions of Johns faithlessness surfaced near the end of her first pregnancy.
John once used to come home straight after work. Now, he lingereddepartment meetings, conferences, symposiums, tutorials, grading, retakes.
It seemed as though he was the only one who worked at the university!
Marys hormones made keeping quiet impossible.
So John recounted what happened, in detailwhat was discussed, how it ended, his take and opinions. It sounded convincing, sprinkled with facts, but Mary still doubted.
Some of it, yes! But not allIm sure, not all!
She tried to catch him out on mistakes, but John always wriggled free. Mary started to doubt herself:
Maybe hes telling the truth? Or just remembers exactly what he told me?
After the birth, she could have relaxed. John was delighted with their firstborn, involved from the start. He was home more, just as warm and tender as ever.
But friends, especially close ones, had other ideas.
Are you going to finish your degree, or stick to being a housewife? asked Susan.
Ill finish maternity leave, then John and I will decide, Mary replied.
Hmm, Susan considered. I bet hell tell you people manage without degrees, and you dont need one!
Why? Mary was surprised.
Why would your lovely husband want his wife among his students? Susan laughed. A wifes place is at homechildren and cooking! No need for her to see how he instructs young minds!
What are you getting at? Mary grew wary.
Youre stagnating at home! Susan said. How did John become your husband? Had an affair with a student! Do you think marriage stopped him enjoying that?
Mary froze.
These days, no one cares who he has affairs with! As long as no complaints or frowns, everyone turns a blind eye! And no one forces him to marry again! Everyone wants high grades, easy credits!
Susan stirred fear in Marys heart. Real worry. If John had affairs, that was bad enough.
But worsehe might leave her and their son for some young student. Mary didnt even have a degree to get a job!
Her return to university was postponed by another maternity leave. The suspicions multiplied, though always without proof.
Marys classmates had graduatedshe had no eyes and ears at university to shed light on her doubts. She had no choice but to carry on, hoping for the best.
After the second maternity leave, Mary suggested she resume her studies, but John simply gave her new program notes and materials.
Go on!
Six years passed. So much had changed, so much was new, Mary could start first year all over. Many new subjects, laws. At homea husband, two children, and endless chores.
John graciously let Mary stay focused on children and home, while he provided for the family.
Mary knew she was vulnerable, but couldnt see how to change it. Any rash action might only make things worse.
Yet, truth be told, life was good! Only one thing upset herher suspicions. Unproven doubts. They gnawed at her soul.
Books, films, series, friends stories, the internetall hammered the idea that lecturers had affairs with students, who brought illegitimate children to their wives, or sought money and inheritance.
As if there are no other topics! Mary grumbled.
The psychologist she visited explained:
Thats your greatest fear. It echoes in your heart, so you notice and react more. It appears just as often as other topics.
So, Im working myself up? Mary asked.
More or less, the psychologist agreed. If you have no proof, maybe its time to let go?
You mean, wait for proof?
Rather, keep your finger on the pulse, replied the psychologist. Be attentive: let your husband know you wont tolerate infidelity.
You can even test the waters, so he stays wary, knowing youre watching. Hell think twice before straying, for fear of being caught!
Theory and practice are worlds apart. What works in books and guides often fails in real life.
In practice, Marys psychologists advice became endless suspicions. And periodic cross-examinationswas he really at a meeting?
But John always wriggled outnot with excuses, but clever evasions. He made Mary seem the jealous one, convinced her there was no cause for suspicion.
Time passed. Thirty-three years of marriagetheyd celebrated, raised their children, enjoyed their grandchildren. Yet Marys doubts never left her.
John, no longer young, nor was Marybut she didnt want to be a deceived wife. So she grilled him whenever he was late, and tried to catch him in a lie if he travelled.
John wriggled through, as always. Hed made it a habit. Mary accused, he deftly made her doubt herself.
But it became tiresome. Not youngsters anymore, to be always drowning in jealousy. It was time to settle down.
***
Yes! Mary began, her voice trembling. Weve lived a whole life together, raised our childrenand Im left only dreaming of your faithfulness!
Mmm, John grunted. Lets try logic, though youre not usually given to that! All your suspicions are worth nothinglet me prove it!
Well? Mary replied.
When do men stray? When everything at home is wrong! He starts looking for something better. If homes miserable, he wont stayhell leave!
Weweve been together thirty-three years! Even with your constant pettiness, I never thought of leaving. I love you, our children, our home! What infidelity could there be?
Mary fell silent, shamed.
Im still working hard! Just a few years till retirement. I want to earn a promotion, my old age title. To help our children, to support our grandchildren!
So I work like mad, and you accuse me of nonsense! Oh, Mary
He went off to bed. Mary sat thinking for ages. Maybe shed been wrong, suspecting him all these years? In all those decades, not one shred of proof.
He did work hard, did care. Friends talked, acquaintances hintedbut they never had evidence. Only spiteful remarks.
John was always a good husband, devoted father, respected lecturerawarded, promoted.
Perhaps I was wrong, Mary whispered as dawn neared. He must have felt hurt by my doubts. Though he never showed it! Without proof, what was I thinking wrong, so wrong.
With a peaceful heart, Mary went to bed. But it was nearly her last peaceful night. For evidenceswift, relentlesswas on its way, ready to burst through her door.
